As always BIG TRIGGER WARNING PEEPS. If you have thoughts of self-harm and suicide please read with caution.
What if you can’t stay positive?
What if in times of stress you can’t see the good that is around you?
What if you feel alone even when surrounded by people?
What if those you love, who usually make you the brightest person on the planet, seem so distant that they are basically echoes?
What if no matter how hard you try to feel something you don’t, and when you do feel it is either deep sadness, overwhelming anxiety, emptiness, loneliness, or all of those feelings combined?
What if you are scared by the above notion that some people do not have a choice in those feelings? That thoughts aren’t the key to solving these problems, because the thoughts themselves cannot be changed. It’s hard to accept never mind understand, but none the less there is no choice provided to you. You have these thoughts and feelings and they are rigid no matter what is said or done.
I’d say I’m a fighter. I’ve been here long enough and gone through enough to know that I am one who will always keep trying. “I’m still here.” has become my comfort and reassurance to people. I’ve battled severe depression and anxiety for a while now and managed to keep myself alive, even with all the suicidal thoughts constantly there for however many years it has been. It’s hard to get a grasp on when things happened in my life with all the medication and mental illness clouding my mind but I think it has been around three years now. I did a rough calculation and found that over the past three years I have been depressed/suicidal for over a thousand days.
A thousand days which is rather daunting. I believe I’m allowed to say that it’s a fucking testament to my strength that I am still here, even though admittedly it has taken its toll on me. I do sometimes feel a bit like the Wolverine of mental health, no lie though. Not to glorify it at all but you know. I’m proud of myself for being here.
Here’s a confession. I haven’t felt joy or whatever happiness is for around a month. I mean the belief that we should all be happy all the time is bullshit anyway and happiness I do believe is more akin to a drug rather than an actual state of being. 100% happy people please do correct me if I’m wrong…
The moment of joy was this brief shining one that lasted for the entirety of one day. Before that I was up and down constantly. Mostly down and even when I was happy, the numb emptiness and suicidal thought track is always in the back of my mind during and then prominent after. That’s the difference between myself and someone without a mental illness. Stability doesn’t exist to me.
I recently got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s kind of a mental illness cocktail with depression anxiety and a whole other bunch of stuff thrown in to the mix.
and I also have hyper sensitivity and Crohn’s.
I’ve kind of realised through talking about it that I’ve probably always had the disorder in my life. I exhibit most, if not at times all, of the symptoms along with some others that aren’t in that link. Its effected my relationships, my social life in a lot of miniscule and also huge ways. I do and have done things that don’t seem to have reason to even myself and that’s not in the typical ‘twat about whilst you are young’ way either… These were things that really fucked up my life when there was no reason to fuck it up. I worry about everything I do or say or think and how others perceive me and it has gradually worn me down. I am by nature contradictory, one minute I will have one stance the next another. Fundamentally I know I try to be kind however, in terms of personal wants and needs I am very flippant. There are honestly so many symptoms and things my brain goes through all whilst trying to get through day to day life (each day feels like a week) and live as well as possible.
Can you see why it may be hard for me to communicate what is going on with me?
If you have clicked on that link for BPD then you will see the intense emotions that vary throughout the day bit. So, it’s got to the point where I don’t have that anymore really because I am just gone. It was beyond horrible when it was like that and I think my brain had to cope with it by just shutting off all emotion as it has done before. Sounds lucky I know but… I only feel bad things or emptiness now which is a barrel of laughs.
My point of this entire post though is this.
We as a society can sometimes expect those with mental health issues to fix their problems by simply thinking positively. There is a lot of pressure to always be happy, always stay level headed. I was the same before I was around it. Don’t get me wrong positivity helps. Definitely helps. But with my condition, most of the time I cannot think positively. Try to see it as me saying I can’t physically lift something. If you gave me a car and told me to lift it I wouldn’t be able to because I am a skinny little shit.
“I can’t mentally do it” should be a new saying.
Again just because someone can’t mentally do something it doesn’t mean they aren’t trying. It doesn’t mean they have given up. You have to give people credit for trying right?
Me being positive is not self-harming, me being positive is not giving in to the suicidal thoughts, me being positive is identifying what is real and what isn’t. Are they talking about me? Are they thinking I’m a piece of shit? Did I offend that person? Do I have feelings for that person who I’ve already established I don’t have feelings for ect ect ect ect on a daily basis. A daily fucking basis haha.
You’ve got to laugh or you’ll cry for real.
Here’s the thing I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, I literally just want you to understand. I just want to be understood because a lot of the time I can’t be understood. I’m lucky enough that people around me always try to understand. I know though that there are others who aren’t in that situation. I guess this next bit is for famiies or friendship groups who have a loved one that’s struggling to deal with shit.
Please try to understand that sometimes there isn’t a choice and sometimes there isn’t really a thing that can make it better with some people. That doesn’t mean don’t try to make it better it just means maybe listen instead. You’ll never know how far just listening and hugging or smiling and saying you are there can do for someone. Tell them it will get better though they can’t see it but understand that they cannot see it. Just try not to put pressure on that person to think positive to change their mental illness.
“You’ve just got to stay positive.” Is not something that can always help. Try and judge the situation. Believe me I know how hard it is because I’ve been around people suffering from mental health issues since I was sixteen and I didn’t know how to handle it at first. If you say that to someone close to you then watch their reaction. The little sideways glance as they think ‘but I can’t mentally do that, there’s a block’. The silence because they feel pressured to not let you know that they can’t think positive, no matter how hard they try they just can’t see the other side, even though it very much exists.
Its very easy for us to feel like we are wrong or broken because of these thoughts.
You may not understand and that is fair enough because honestly, we don’t fully either. Me and a close friend of mine call ourselves octopus’ because we are unstable in every way. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
Like I said you have to laugh or you’ll cry. When crying takes up most of your time it’s always nice to laugh every now and then.
I just want to be understood. Most people do. I have BPD, I’m a mental Samurai Master, I’m an Octopus and I’m also human just like you.
I have found that it doesn’t take much to try.
Peace peeps, stay safe xoxo