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JB's Guide To Insanity

We Are All Flawed

The Octopus Who Tried to Stay Positive

As always BIG TRIGGER WARNING PEEPS. If you have thoughts of self-harm and suicide please read with caution.

borderline-personality-disorder

What if you can’t stay positive?

What if in times of stress you can’t see the good that is around you?

What if you feel alone even when surrounded by people?

What if those you love, who usually make you the brightest person on the planet, seem so distant that they are basically echoes?

 What if no matter how hard you try to feel something you don’t, and when you do feel it is either deep sadness, overwhelming anxiety, emptiness, loneliness, or all of those feelings combined?

What if you are scared by the above notion that some people do not have a choice in those feelings? That thoughts aren’t the key to solving these problems, because the thoughts themselves cannot be changed. It’s hard to accept never mind understand, but none the less there is no choice provided to you. You have these thoughts and feelings and they are rigid no matter what is said or done.

I’d say I’m a fighter. I’ve been here long enough and gone through enough to know that I am one who will always keep trying. “I’m still here.” has become my comfort and reassurance to people. I’ve battled severe depression and anxiety for a while now and managed to keep myself alive, even with all the suicidal thoughts constantly there for however many years it has been. It’s hard to get a grasp on when things happened in my life with all the medication and mental illness clouding my mind but I think it has been around three years now. I did a rough calculation and found that over the past three years I have been depressed/suicidal for over a thousand days.

A thousand days which is rather daunting. I believe I’m allowed to say that it’s a fucking testament to my strength that I am still here, even though admittedly it has taken its toll on me. I do sometimes feel a bit like the Wolverine of mental health, no lie though. Not to glorify it at all but you know. I’m proud of myself for being here.

wolvey
Big up my fellow nerds xoxo

 Here’s a confession. I haven’t felt joy or whatever happiness is for around a month. I mean the belief that we should all be happy all the time is bullshit anyway and happiness I do believe is more akin to a drug rather than an actual state of being. 100% happy people please do correct me if I’m wrong…

The moment of joy was this brief shining one that lasted for the entirety of one day. Before that I was up and down constantly. Mostly down and even when I was happy, the numb emptiness and suicidal thought track is always in the back of my mind during and then prominent after. That’s the difference between myself and someone without a mental illness. Stability doesn’t exist to me.

I recently got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s kind of a mental illness cocktail with depression anxiety and a whole other bunch of stuff thrown in to the mix.

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/#.WQQmWIjyvIU

and I also have hyper sensitivity and Crohn’s.

FUN! Lol.

I’ve kind of realised through talking about it that I’ve probably always had the disorder in my life. I exhibit most, if not at times all, of the symptoms along with some others that aren’t in that link. Its effected my relationships, my social life in a lot of miniscule and also huge ways. I do and have done things that don’t seem to have reason to even myself and that’s not in the typical ‘twat about whilst you are young’ way either… These were things that really fucked up my life when there was no reason to fuck it up. I worry about everything I do or say or think and how others perceive me and it has gradually worn me down. I am by nature contradictory, one minute I will have one stance the next another. Fundamentally I know I try to be kind however, in terms of personal wants and needs I am very flippant. There are honestly so many symptoms and things my brain goes through all whilst trying to get through day to day life (each day feels like a week) and live as well as possible.

Can you see why it may be hard for me to communicate what is going on with me?

If you have clicked on that link for BPD then you will see the intense emotions that vary throughout the day bit. So, it’s got to the point where I don’t have that anymore really because I am just gone. It was beyond horrible when it was like that and I think my brain had to cope with it by just shutting off all emotion as it has done before. Sounds lucky I know but… I only feel bad things or emptiness now which is a barrel of laughs.

My point of this entire post though is this.

We as a society can sometimes expect those with mental health issues to fix their problems by simply thinking positively. There is a lot of pressure to always be happy, always stay level headed. I was the same before I was around it. Don’t get me wrong positivity helps. Definitely helps. But with my condition, most of the time I cannot think positively. Try to see it as me saying I can’t physically lift something. If you gave me a car and told me to lift it I wouldn’t be able to because I am a skinny little shit.

“I can’t mentally do it” should be a new saying.

Again just because someone can’t mentally do something it doesn’t mean they aren’t trying. It doesn’t mean they have given up. You have to give people credit for trying right?

shrug
Right?

 Me being positive is not self-harming, me being positive is not giving in to the suicidal thoughts, me being positive is identifying what is real and what isn’t. Are they talking about me? Are they thinking I’m a piece of shit? Did I offend that person? Do I have feelings for that person who I’ve already established I don’t have feelings for ect ect ect ect on a daily basis. A daily fucking basis haha.

You’ve got to laugh or you’ll cry for real.

Here’s the thing I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, I literally just want you to understand. I just want to be understood because a lot of the time I can’t be understood. I’m lucky enough that people around me always try to understand. I know though that there are others who aren’t in that situation. I guess this next bit is for famiies or friendship groups who have a loved one that’s struggling to deal with shit.

Please try to understand that sometimes there isn’t a choice and sometimes there isn’t really a thing that can make it better with some people. That doesn’t mean don’t try to make it better it just means maybe listen instead. You’ll never know how far just listening and hugging or smiling and saying you are there can do for someone. Tell them it will get better though they can’t see it but understand that they cannot see it. Just try not to put pressure on that person to think positive to change their mental illness.

“You’ve just got to stay positive.” Is not something that can always help. Try and judge the situation. Believe me I know how hard it is because I’ve been around people suffering from mental health issues since I was sixteen and I didn’t know how to handle it at first. If you say that to someone close to you then watch their reaction. The little sideways glance as they think ‘but I can’t mentally do that, there’s a block’. The silence because they feel pressured to not let you know that they can’t think positive, no matter how hard they try they just can’t see the other side, even though it very much exists.

Its very easy for us to feel like we are wrong or broken because of these thoughts.

You may not understand and that is fair enough because honestly, we don’t fully either. Me and a close friend of mine call ourselves octopus’ because we are unstable in every way. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

octo
Look at this fabulous mother fucker tho ❤

Like I said you have to laugh or you’ll cry. When crying takes up most of your time it’s always nice to laugh every now and then.

I just want to be understood. Most people do. I have BPD, I’m a mental Samurai Master, I’m an Octopus and I’m also human just like you.

I have found that it doesn’t take much to try.

Peace peeps, stay safe xoxo

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Stuff

WARNING: MAY CAUSE TRIGGERS FOR PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION/SELF HARM/BULLYING ISSUES. Read with caution please.

This is going to be hard for me to write down but I need to do it because I am almost constantly in danger of myself now. If you are reading this then please excuse any errors in my writing.

It may come as a surprise to some of you but I was bullied from the age of about 8 to 16.

8 was when I sort of remember it starting and 16 was when I met my first girlfriend (and now one of my best friends) who in a way saved me from it.

Every single part of my physical appearance was repeatedly criticized and broken down in excruciating detail. Im talking my clothes, my hair, my nose, my eyes, my teeth, my skin colour, my body even my voice- everything was mocked on what id say was an almost daily basis whilst I was at school. And thats not to mention my personality which was completely deconstructed and torn apart repeatedly over those formative years. My love of comics and games, my sensitivity, my base nature was just beaten again and again and again until I learnt to hide it. It wasnt all of those things every day but I remember it being at least one thing that I was criticized for daily by different people. I had no one to tell me It was wrong so quickly i accepted it for who i was. I couldnt talk to my family because i was scared and by the time i befriended people my age who couldve gotten me out of it (as i said i didnt get out until i met my first girlfriend) it was too late and I hid my suffering from them too. It was rare that I got through a day unscathed without feeling self concious and I dreaded going to school or out with people. Granted it wasnt all terrible and I had some good times, but good times dont scar you like bad times do they.

 It didnt go away though after I changed who I am, no. See even after Id morphed in to a different person, warped my personality and buried it, becoming a loud mouthed popular twat in the process to try and make people like me, it still happened. Constantly. I got put down so much and so often that I now have a heap of mental and physical issues. Crohns can develop through great stress and this bullying amongst other things contributed. So I have that to deal with too.

 I was pretty popular in school and amongst the shit bags I did have a couple of amazing friends who I am still lucky enough to be best friends with today. I got popular because I could make people laugh. But secretly I was being put down by a sociopath who was supposed to be my best friend, who would join in whenever others laughed at me and would threaten me with his friendship if I didnt do what he said. Looking back I should have told him to do one but I thought I was worthless what else was I going to do.
Yano what the worst thing was? People calling me stupid, ugly and a freak that would never get a girlfriend became my beliefs. Ive hated myself, not believed in what I could do since I was 11. And i remember so many moments in crisp detail when someone said these things to me. When its drilled so long in to you that you are nothing you become nothing and you block out the positive people’s compliments and thoughts on you. You become a shell that you fill up with other peoples emotions and responses to distract you from the sadness. 

Its like this horrible poison inside of me that slows me down. There is a voice in my head that constantly hurts me and it isnt mine, it belongs to them. It belongs to those ten or twelve people who broke me slowly over the years. I think what is worst is that it was normal to me because a few of those people were supposed to be my best friends… 

I can imagine a lot of those “friends” would put it down to “banter” yeah. But see I have new best friends now who can joke around and have “banter” whilst adoring every part of me and what makes me who I am. Im lucky to say my old nerdy personality shines through now and they love me for it (the three or four friends i still have from school love me for it too and did back then but theyve only mainly seen it over the last three years due to me hiding it). They have never criticized a thing about me and they would do anything for me and I them. My old friends or friend rather would have spit on me if it would make someone outside of our group laugh. Since leaving school and getting away from these people Ive become kinder, smarter, more tolerant, more understanding, more my own person despite the many problems I have and the fact that i struggle to believe any of those things i just said i was if it wasnt for the many people around me who reinforce it every day to try and help me.

 But still that voice I mentioned halts me from accepting love because I dont love myself. I cut myself because of my depression. My depression is caused by lots of things and this voice does not help it one bit. It stops me from enjoying the now because my thoughts are constantly plagued by the past.

 It makes me have breakdown after breakdown every day whether its internal or ones people see. I need to kind of talk about this now because I dont know how else to deal with it anymore. I need to write this down so that its there and so that I can clarify it happened. At some point every day I want to kill myself and it has been like this for the past 2 years (im on a lot of medication, strong anti depressants included, so my time line is completely fucked due to memory fog) I think with very brief moments of joyous clear mindedness. There are multiple reasons for my suicidal thoughts, reasons caused by actual events and the ones created by the false reality that depression forms… however, one of things that tortures me most is that I was bullied. And it feels weird saying that because I dont talk about it and most people didnt see it because I wore one hell of a confident mask in school and even now most days at work. It was only a few months ago that I accepted it was actually bullying that happened to me. I used to just say i got treated like shit but no. I was bullied. And recently it has overwhelmed me and it hurts so fucking much. I am exhausted. I am tired and angry and sick of having it in my system. I torture myself on every little thing about me. It goes beyond anxiety it is self hatred in its purest form, so strong that I cant sleep, that I have to force myself to not cut my arms again every night, that I feel like dying at some point every day, that I cant take even the slightest hint of aggression towards me without freezing up and mentally breaking down. I see a counsellor every week and i cant let it go. It just wont get out no matter what i do.

But I keep going because of the people I have now and my hopes for my creative future.

A few months ago the main culprit for my self torture messaged me and asked me to tell him why I had blocked him on most forms of social media except the one he messaged me on which I had forgot to do. I said why and politely told him i didnt want to talk about it in major detail to which he went on a self pitying explanatiom about how guilty he was and how he shouldnt have done this or that to me. 

Whoopdyfuckingdo.

I was as calm and kind as possible and I told him it wouldnt make a difference but he should let it go and try and move on to find peace as we have all changed since school (including myself). I didnt tell him the effect it had on me because I didnt think he was worthy of hearing it and also I dont want someone else’s self torture on my concience. After he continued with the paragraphs I did however, tell him to apologize to a few people dear to me that he had also upset in the past. Then when he argued saying he couldnt apologize to everyone he decided that he would have the balls to say that I was treating him like a bad person which wasnt very fair of me.

Bless.

I left it at that to stop myself raging at this deluded self righteous piece of human shit and telling him to go kill himself like I should have done given the years of psychogical Hell that has been inflicted upon me by parasites like him. 

And if he is reading this then here’s a message for him.

Fuck you and Im glad you feel guilty you piece of shit. And even though I would probably feel sick inside and want to die if I ever had to have the mispleasure of bumping in to you again, and even with all the horrible shit I have to go through daily I want you to know that the many, many people I have in my life these days are each worth a billion of you. Also a heads up if you see me out with them Id advise not coming near us to try and talk to me because… as soon as I point out who you are, they’ll probably tear you to pieces.

That sounds like im angry or bitter or callous and i honestly try not to be because it doesnt solve anything and neither does demonizing someone… But you try going through it every day without being a bit spiteful. I think all things considered I could be a lot harsher.

A positive is that I am now a good person because I know thats what i am from the love I have and the people who lift me up and show me who I really am inside and outside. The people who have gone through Hell with me and have held me when I have had panic attack after panic attack (and in some cases vice versa). Yeah I might have just done stupid shit in school but you know what, I didnt and still to this day dont insult people because of who they are and how they look. And the rare occasion I did was from that particular “friend’s” pressure/influence and I apologized and beat myself up for it mercilessly. Believe me I know Im not a saint and its no excuse if I ever hurt anyone because at the end of the day my choices are my own even if I was weak and semi forced in to doing the wrong thing. But I have and most likely will never forgive myself for even the slightest mistake I make/have made. 

Maybe I should but I cant because of what has happened to me. Most days the mask is on but cracked deeply and now everyone sees through in to that damaged sad person who feels sick whilst looking in a mirror.

I suppose a point of this would be to be kind. You dont know who you hurt or how much effect you have on people with your words. But in all honesty this doesnt have a point. Because by the time youve finished reading this i will be back fighting off suicide and trying to keep pushing through. These words dont do what I go through justice in even the slightest way. Im not looking for pity or sympathy I just needed to write this down because Im tired. Which again is an understatement.

THE TEA HOUSE IV

Part Four:

DREAMING OF NIGHTMARES


We stand side by side against the trench as they instruct us to. The rain pounding upon mine and my friends helmets and faces. I think of her laying in the white silk dress against those black bed sheets. The black skies let no light through. The only illumination is the flash of gunfire and bombs from over no man’s land.

The man to my right pisses himself from fear. The Captain is barking orders at us but we dont listen. Not that we could listen with the amount of earth shaking noise happening. And also why should we listen? We know what plan is. We stand still our eyes fixed upon the edge of the trench. The rickety ladders trembling with every bomb blast. Allied planes fly above our heads rattling bullets in to the enemy. So much noise. So much death.

“Charge!” My ears tune to the Captain’s roars and my heart almost stops. My gut is churning and my brain is telling me to stop. But my body is moving forward at rapid speed. I cannot stop. This is the war. I climb the ladder. This is the day of reckoning. I reach the top. This is the time of-

It is destruction on a biblical scale. The bullets whizz past my head and i scream. 

REASONS TO BE ANGRY

Some of you dont seem to be grasping why the people who voted remain are still angry and terrified. Heres a list to explain so you stop telling us to suck it up and get on with it. Another thing i hate is the “ooh everyones a politician all of a sudden”. So are we as a society not allowed to voice a basic or even well informed opinion on current events especially when they effect us so deeply? Is that so ridiculous to you? Also you are most likely smarter than a politician dont lower your self worth. 

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/eu-referendum-facts-brexit-immigration-trade-economy-fishing-leave-remain-what-will-happen-a7095046.html

That link may come in handy.

Whilst reading this please remember the definition of the word SOME. It is very different to the word ALL:

Ill start with the most personal reason to me…

RACISM

No. Not everyone who voted leave is racist. But we are (especially me being someone of ethnic descent with dark skin) terrified by the large amount of racist views and opinions voiced by a lot of people during the last few weeks. An awful lot of people showed how ignorant they were and its heartbreaking. But what also scares us, is that some of our friends and family members are voicing opinions that sound similair and voting alongside these people. When you say “take our country back” you may be saying it regarding politicians ect. But the lines get blurred when there are other people abusing hard working immigrants that they are “taking their country back” from them and that “they should prepare to go home”. It may not be scary to some of you and as race cardy as this may seem that is because a lot of white people do not have this fear here. Put yourself in our shoes. We get attacked because the colour of our skin or where we come from, we now have reason to be scared just to walk through a main city incase someone physically attacks us based on our skin. These idiots dont know that i was born here or that i am half English. They just see my skin. Thats the reality that has been presented to us. Many times I have experienced racism which is one of the most bewildering and horrifying things to go through. Some randomer hating you and calling you names just because of your colour? It is idiocy at its purest. We have a right to be scared by this and voice our fear that some people we know voted alongside these people for reasons that sound on surface similair. When you are saying “take our country back” all in unison with these people it gives right wing political leaders (across the world now) power even if you dont mean it to. And worst of all the media plays on our fears and prejudices, focuses them and turns them in to more fears and prejudices. Even my old neighbour was going off about immigrants saying they needed to get out and get their own jobs. He was saying this to my mother casually who he somehow didnt realize is an immigrant and is the only reason i am here in the first place. Shes one of the nicest and hardest working people i know. Im also now semi afraid to even post my views now incase i get attacked for them. Which is horrible. Like mental health issues, Its alright saying just get on with racism when its not you its happening to 🙂

NAME CALLING

Why a lot of us are calling left voters idiots. Aside from the above reasoning this is mainly because a lot of people who voted either were racist, didnt listen to our advice and the truth, they didnt know what they were doing or they just listened to false propaganda set up by bigots such as Farage who has already admitted he lied (as he and a lot of the leave front have done NUMEROUS times in the past). And a lot of people are now apologizing for voting leave and are saying they had wished they had voted differently. This is why we are angry. Because it shows stupidity. We warned them again and again and again that things would go bad, we showed them facts and figures again and again. But they didnt listen and now things are already falling. You would do the same to your friend or a family member if they didnt listen to logical advise and made a bad decision, yes? But this isnt like one of those times. This isnt small scale. This is a change in history its not something we get over easily. You wouldnt apologize to someone after setting them on fire would you. You just dont set them on fire in the first place. Also a lot of people in my life who were asked why they were voting leave gave nonsensical answers some that would make you laugh.

People have been saying the likes of we dont like being told what to do, we need to make britian great again, im a patriot, we need the empire back, eu forces laws on us, we need to blah blah blah which in all honesty is false. Any law the eu has made has been incredibly beneficial to us as a people. Why did you think we are slowly becoming a greener more recyclable society among other things such as workers rights? Britain was doing oryte. Its now wrong. Another thing is some leave voters literally only voted because of immigration without even thinking or acknowledging the devestating problems that would happen to our politics, nhs, economy, farmers, businesses, travel (even though they go to benidorm every year without fail or hassle that they will now face) and education funding. Also their opinions on immigration were ill informed as per the link at the top of the page. They didnt think. What do you call someone who doesnt think? An idiot. May i add Its also annoying how a lot of people are blindly refusing to accept their mistake. Just accept it that things may not have turned out how you wanted.

OLD PEOPLE:

So this is a tricky one, but it boils down to this. The majority of voters for leave were old. This is blame on both sides as a lot of young people didnt vote to counter this. But the reason we are angry at some old people is that one) they will die soon so should have thought harder than just making a major decision based on false propoganda. Two) a lot of them only made a decision based on false propoganda. This is the truth. Whether your grandparents did it for a sounder reason it doesnt mean that others did too. Ive spoken to old people, seen videos, heard them out and about speaking about this. They dont all have good reasons. Its all very positive thinking “ooh well they cant all have done it just because immigrants” but that doesnt make it easier to swallow. Some grandparents in this country will have old values. I will admit that, as much as i love and miss her, if my grandma was still alive she could probably have voted leave too based solely on immigration even though her daughter-in-law was an immigrant… Hence why we are upset and mad.

PATRIOTS

This kinda links to name calling but it is a seperate issue. I am proud of my family and friends. I am proud of their achievements. I have never been proud of this country that thinks it is better than other countries. That mentality is what causes xenophobia. No matter what you say xenophobia was kind of at the front of this. Its what more than a few people who voted had. Hatred of other countries/people is pathetic and if you have it then you need to know that you are a weak moron with no brain cells. Just because someone may have voted for political reasons there was a lot, whether you like it or not who voted because of xenophobia. Which will burn this world if you let it. We need to be united do they not see that? Some comments i have seen are just bizarre and horrifying. It churns my stomach. What are people proud of? They didnt earn this country. We got lucky being born here. Pure dumb luck. Thats why other people want to come here and we should let them as long as they are willing to work and take the jobs most people here arent in because they cant be arsed to be and are on benefits. They think that we are going to take back the Empire. This is so stupid its funny. The Empire didnt work and you are ridiculously mistaken if you think it could ever work again. There are countries that could wipe this petulant child of an island off the face of the Earth if they wanted to and we should respect and know that. There is no possible way of us getting that much power back ever. The Empire in the first place never worked thats why it failed. Look it up. If you try to control the world with one leader it breaks because its impossible. Hitler wanted to do the same thing. He failed. Look back through history i implore you. Its not ancient history. We made the eu to make things better after ww2. Now we are out and what for? Because some donkey brained maniac with no job hates people different to them.

THE WORLD

This planet seems to have an endless supply of problems all stemming from humans. We as a people are stunted by wars our economy and constant hatred. We were meant for more than this..we are the smartest creatures on this planet. We got lucky to even evolve in to this. Our minds are capable of so much, except us clear minded people who have a peaceful unified vision of our species constantly see it fail whether it be in our media, values or lack of enthusiasm for unity. The species will die if we dont not remain a united world. It will perish. Ask yourself how hatred can be good for the future? This world had so many problems and it has just been added another close on our own doorstep. You want peace? Think about your decisions in the future, if we have one that is.

And finally…

THE DOOM AND GLOOM

A lot of you are mad about the negativity. But unfortunately this negativity is deserved. I have been breaking down so much because of the reasons above. There are many reasons to keep going still and many reasons to stay living here. But the subjects above terrify me and rightly so. Its harder and harder to just get on with it when every day something bad is revealed to us. Something horrible and sad. If this doesnt effect you then good for you. But allow us to voice our sadness and allow us to be rightly scared. Like ive said before  you can deny the facts but it doesnt make your denial the truth. This is possibly going to lead in to one of the most conflicting times our country has faced before.

I want to reiterate that the majority of people who voted leave did not vote for wrong reasons and a lot of them are not scum. They had reasonable arguments for why they wanted to leave and we should obviously try and remain peaceful as this is a democracy. But there is no hiding or denying that a percentage of that amount are horrible people and to me and many of my friends they are terrifying. We arent being over dramatic by crying or breaking down about this. Its a big change. Realise that.

For those on my level stay strong and remember what ever happens we have each other. That is the main thing. You have a right to be scared but its important not to let it consume you. There are your loved ones still around you and as hard as it may seem we can always move from this country if things get too bad. Still brightness in this world and I do think through unity we will be okay. Stay safe people all the love through this. Xoxo

NORTHERN PUNK III

RECAP: Our delightfully damaged heroine beat up some scum bags who were threatening an old man. Unfortunately one of the scum called Cole, got away and whilst Ivy was chilling, he came back with a small army of more scum! Ooh also Ivy has a lovely Alsatian called Ash who is most likely having a nap whilst Ivy does all the hard work…

ACT ONE
Bad Taste In The Mouth

PART THREE
Bloodied Bat

The leader of the army and Cole’s uncle, Jonjo grunted. “Well. Did you threaten my nephew?!”

“Did i threaten him?” Ivy asked back casually swaying left to right. “Yes. Threatened i did and i probably killed a couple of his friends too. I put their bodies in the bins out back if you were looking for them.” She directed past Jonjo to Cole at the back who instantly hid his face. Ivy then took a step closer to Jonjo so she was inches away from him. “Just between me and you pal…” She whispered and winked. “Im going to kill your nephew first”.

Jonjo snorted and grinned showing blackened rotting teeth. “You do realize we are gonna come in there and kill you for what you’ve done dont you?”

“No. You are going to come in here and get beaten either half to death or fully to death depending on how i feel in the moment. I have had a really long day so i mean we have to factor in whether or not i can be bothered to cave your heads in. This is Banana by the way.” She grinned at the men, waving the weapon up and down jovially. “Pretty ain’t she?”

“You’re very funny.” Jonjo clapped and rubbed his hands together, clinking the knuckle dusters on them. “We will see how funny you can be when we are finished with you. You know you aint that bad lookin’ so i might let the boys have fun with you before i throttle you to death.”

“Ooh lucky me! You are such a charming individual i bet your mum is so proud. Well come on in then boys.” Ivy said walking in to the living room, followed by the men.

image

Ivy stood with her back to the balcony windows and rested her baseball bat on her shoulder. Jonjo let the others run at her first, all swinging their knives, planks and bats wildly at her. Ivy dodged each attack with unnatural grace, weaving and ducking her way through them until she reached Jonjo at the other end of the room who she caught by surprise and punched in the testicles. Jonjo fell to the ground in agony as Ivy leap frogged over another thug charging at her and flipped her way to Cole who was cowering at the back again. She finally swung her baseball bat in to his throat, cracking his neck as it impacted.

image

Cole fell to the floor gripping at his crushed windpipe and gasping for air. Ivy then turned to the shocked thirteen men crammed in to her living room and let out a sigh. A single twizzled pink hair strand dangling in front of her eyes. She huffed it away and then lowered her bat to Jonjo who was gazing up at Ivy as if he was captivated by the pain she had put him in.

“One thing i hate more than chavs Mr Jonjo… Are rapists. It wont end well for you.” Ivy spat through gritted teeth with a mad glaze in her eyes. She then breathed in deeply pushed her hair back slightly out of her face and ran at the men. Hopping over Jonjo she battered repeatedly the face of the first man to come at her causing his face to cave in. The second third and fourth charged and she spun around them knee capping one and moving on the next.

Grunts and screams of the men as they swung their weapons and had their bodies broken by Ivy were all that could be heard from the flat. Other residents poked their heads out peering from their doors in to Ivy’s open one. Occasionally a pink blur would dart past in the living room followed by a splatter of blood and a crashing of glass or other items that had become collateral. Jonjo finally got to his feet as Ivy broke the spine of the last remaining goon and then drop kicked him through the windows and over the balcony.

She was covered in sweat and blood splats and the still groaning men were writhing like worms in dirt upon her floor. Breathing heavily, mouth hung open slightly and hair completely in her eyes, Ivy turned her attention to the bewildered Jonjo who could hardly believe what had happened.

Jonjo shuddered and stepped backwards trying to ready himself. Ivy remained stationary waiting for him to make his move, her chest raising up and down rythmically. “You stupid fuckin’ bitch!” Jonjo roared in a broken voice having possibly lost his mind from watching his nephew and almost all of his gang die. He clenched his fists and in a fit of rage ran at her swinging left and right, cursing louder and louder with every move.

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Ivy with ease stepped out of the way again and again until Jonjo exhausted himself. He stumbled tired and disorientated and Ivy took Banana and swung it under arm in to his genitals. Jonjo fell back in to the glass table shattering it and stabbing his own back. Ivy then stood in front of the bleeding crippled man and with all her force brought the bat down on his genitals again and again until there was nothing left but blood.

Jonjo had passed out by the fifth swing and Ivy dragged him over to the balcony where she threw him off down to the grotty courtyard below. One by one she threw the men to their deaths, ignoring their pleas for mercy. They had attacked her. Threatened her. It was their choice she kept telling herself. Their choice. After finishing her work, Ivy stood in her destroyed living room and dropped Banana to the floor. Her hands were trembling. There was nothing here now, she had to move on before the police came. The residents didnt have her name and the apartment block owner owed her a rather huge favour which is why she had been provided with the accomodation in the first place. Also in all fairness she had caused worst body counts and carnage up and down the country and not been caught yet and its not like the police would believe a young woman singlehandedly beat up thirteen men or so. By this time tomorrow Ivy would be out of the county and on her way.

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She looked over to her room where Ash was and started towards it before suddenly feeling overwhelmingly dizzy. Ivy wobbled as her legs turned to jelly and her heart beated so fast it echoed in her head. “Oh.. oh shit.” She said falling to the floor and passing out.

End of part three…

Dying Bravely: Episode Two

Jacob’s bug eyes were jolting from person to person. He broke in to a sprint and turned every corner heading towards the smoke. Chaos. ‘No sirens, why aren’t there any sirens?’ He carried on all the way in to town, only having to break two or three times to catch his breath. Still no sirens. Many other people had caught on to this too and were running full pelt all around him. Jacob drowned out the voices all shouting at one another. All noise. The group of two hundred or more came to their first blockade. An entire four story office building collapsed on it’s side, which was large enough to block up the roads. People were hanging from the windows, some were scattered across the pavement and tarmac, dismembered or worst. Blood and fire was everywhere. Jacob helped where he could, dragging people from the rubble, trying to put out fires, comforting the dying.

It didnt seem real to him. This was not him. He didnt do this. This wasnt reality, this was, must have been a nightmare. This was false. Hours passed. There were still people trapped in the rubble. No authorities came. No sirens. As a few left to help in other areas or find loved ones, another few left to bring vans and tools to help at the scene. Twenty men, lead by a former fire fighter had driven to the fire station where they had found it abandonned. Returning with three fire engines they helped put out the numerous fires and used the ladders to reach people high up.

Eventually after four hours they believed they had rescued anyone still alive to rescue and most of the crowd, including Jacob moved on through and over collapsed alleys, demolished houses, a caved in sewer and a dozen or more shops that had been brought to rubble.

Corpses and limbs littered the streets.

The day went on. The dead far outweighed the living as the crowd got closer and closer to the crash site. Soon enough questions of “how could this happen?” Or “where are the authorities?” Became a thing of the past. Soon enough there weren’t many injured people lying amongst the army of bodies… No one left to save.

The darkened skies were now turning to dusk and what little sunlight they had was now replaced by torches and head flash lights. They had to abandon the fire engines when another road block stopped them from being brought around the wreckage and in to places of use. The former fireman who’s name Jacob believed was Oliver was a grizzled, towering, gruff man in his mid sixties, who had a rough face that time had not been kind to. As the journey went on Oliver had become the defacto leader due to his experience in fire and rescue, his medical training also helped too on more than one occasion.

Jacob was the first to set sights on the crash sight. A thick dry coat of dust and blood covering his body and his clothes. There was fire spread around the remnants of the black plane that had broken in half and folded like paper, the tail at a 90 degree angle poking from a meteoric dig in the ground facing the men and women.

“That cant have been any normal plane.” Oliver grumbled nearby Jacob. “To make an impact like this?”

The front end of the plane was on the other side of the giant blast zone shredded and ablaze. To the left and right of the blast zone emmerged the other groups of people who had been helping their way through the chaos. They silently nodded at eachother before looking down in to the pit of plane wreckage. “What do you reckon was in there then?” A man asked Jacob who was staring gormlessly in to the fire.

“I erm- im not sure.” Jacob replied caught off guard.

The man looked over at Oliver. “Its a military plane right, Oliver?”

Oliver nodded and walked over. It was at this point Jacob noticed that the leader of the group had been wearing what appeared to be a well fitted white shirt, black suit pants and smart shoes that were all now filthy and torn up.

“Aye it is.” Oliver snorted. “It’s a Boeing C-17 Globemaster III. Or was. Painted all black though… bit odd.”

“Maybe its some secret government black site thing like in America area 56 or whatever its called.” The man droned making Jacob think he was a simpleton.

A few others also walked over and gave their opinions. Jacob switched off and took a step towards the edge looking deep in to the chasm. There in the middle of the plane crash was a set of cargo containers which appeared to be ripped open with large claw marks in them.

Before Jacob could say anything a crackling came over on Oliver’s walkie talkie.

“Craven. It’s Alan. We’ve just been to the edge of town it’s not good.”

“What is it?” Oliver replied looking around at the others.

“We are being quarantined…” Alan sighed exasperated. “They are closing all exits to the town off. We are on our own.”

Jacob looked back in to the pit and clenched his fists until they turned white.

THE TEA HOUSE III

Part Three:
BITTER
TO THE CORE

“Don’t wake up Penn. Stay with me.”
Her words ringing in my head are not useful right now. Right now I need to focus

Outside the Tea House we both stand. Mao is confused. He rarely is so I feel accomplished at making the lanky yet confident man anxious. I can tell by the look on his face that he is unsure of the situation at hand. He smirks at me after some amount of silence has gone by.

I don’t smirk back.

“Something amusing?” I ask him, stoically.

He nods, still smiling. “W- What is this?” He almost bursts out laughing. “Come on, did you have a bad opium trip last night or what? What’s with this shit Li?”

I just continue staring at him.

“So you kill one of your highest enforcers and his crew and then ask some child to let us know what you did and where to find you. Why?” He drops the smile but is still speaking jovially.

“Mao, when the day is done I will explain my actions and what caused them to only one man. Eiji.”

“Eiji?” He asks in disbelief whilst taking a step forward to me.

I nod once. “Eiji.”

“Eiji never comes to these filthy parts of the city, Li. You know that-”

“He will by the end of the day. He will have no choice.”

“But he’s- He’s an old man, what is going on?” He scoffs.

“I told you. I will only explain my actions to him, and him alone.”

He looks at me seriously now. “I see. You..  You know then?”

“Would you like to come in for a chat Mao?”

He looks over my shoulder at the Tea House and spits on to the floor.

“Thing is, if I go in there… I won’t come out.”

“Well… You won’t come out alive.”

He looks flustered. “It was an accident-”

“Don’t.”

“But they didn’t know it was-”

I break his nose to stop him from talking. He stumbles over himself and falls in a puddle, messing up his expensive over coat. After some groaning he gets up and walks past me in to the shop. Mao knows when to fight and when not to. He’ll put up a weak fight inside out of honour to himself, I would expect nothing less of him.

He takes a seat at the table that me and Lady sat at and I sit across from him. He holds his broken nose in one hand and tries to stop the blood gushing.

“I’m a message then?” He asks.

I nod.

“And you are going to deface my body somehow?”

“Correct.”

He laughs. “What are you going to do? Hang me from the roof top?”

I stare at him quietly and he drops his smile.

“I’m not a fighter.” He whispers.

I lean forward. “I am.”

Mao sighs and leans back. “When you get the chance… Make it quick.”

“As you wish.” I reply whilst getting to my feet and making a clearing of tables. He slowly gets to his feet and walks over to me. He swings once and I dodge his fist, sending a punch towards his side. He leans over and grunts and I spin around him, placing a hand on the top of his head and another on his jaw. A quick snap later and he falls to his knees and then to the floor dead.

Mao’s body blows lightly in the wind. The noose around his neck keeps him hanging in front of the shop window and a few residents of the slums come out to see what’s happening. I exit the shop and walk to them.

“Spread the word!” I call out. “Li Penn has murdered Zin Mao!”

Dying Bravely: Episode One

06:05 AM
Tuesday, 05/05/16

Jacob Thorne

Weary crusted red eyes. They were always so heavy on him. The idea of moving from the bed which kept him warm lead Jacob to thoughts of suicide and then to the comforting arms of sleep again. He awoke ten minutes later and decided he could continue through the day if only he willed himself to do so. Clawing his way out of the double bed like a mole out of the Earth, Jacob stumbled as he got to his feet and checked himself over in the body length mirror by his bedroom door.

‘You look like shit today.’ He thought to himself before remembering that, to him he looked like shit on a daily basis.

Breakfast went down better than it had done the previous day. Toast and a cup of black coffee. Not that the caffeine did anything for Jacob other than give him gentle palpatations and increase his ever present anxiety. There was movement outside of the house he now owned by himself. Jacob’s neighbour Peter going to work.

Peter was twice Jacob’s age and pleasant enough however, Jacob being a twenty six year old manic depressive who’s only friend was a self absorbed, over weight Ginger Moggie named Arthur was not really the type of person who wanted to have ‘small talk’ with anyone. Especially people who seemed to be overly happy with life as it was.

Arthur was sat by the sofa licking his fluffy paws, minding his own business as Jacob passed by him through the living room to the stairs.

“Some people have it so easy you fat bastard.” Jacob grunted to which Arthur popped his head up for a brief second before returning to the soaking of his paws in syliva.

Upstairs, the shower soaked Jacob’s almost anorexic, skeletal body, relaxing his muscles and causing his eyes to close from the comfort. For this brief moment every morning he thought of bliss and peace before returning to the mundane nature of his existance in the world. He knew he spent too much time in the shower. At this point though he just didn’t care.

‘Its half seven in the morning though and its time to stop procrastinating and get ready… You could always just phone in sick, its not like they could disprove it-‘

Jacob heard a strange sound that distracted him from his thought process. It was a plane engine of some kind but extremely low down. It must have been flying over the houses given how loud it was getting. Jacob’s bathroom window was creaked open and he could hear feignt screams coming from people outside in their gardens and on the streets.

Suddenly Jacob felt his entire house shudder and begin to rattle. The distant sound of cheap plates, mugs and bowls smashing over the tiles downstairs were followed by the various washing items falling off of their shelves and scattering over the bathroom floor. Arthur screeched and bounded up the strairs in to Jacob’s wardrobe as the cat often did when he was scared. Afraid of slipping and cracking his neck, Jacob quickly sat down in the bath before reaching up and turning off the shower. The shaking continued and the deafening engine growl came hurtling over head. Jacob darted over to the window, and peered out.

A few streets away the source of the noise, a huge black military cargo plane was heading for a collision. On the plane’s left side Jacob could see one of the wings burning wildly as it descended.

“Fuck me.” Jacob uttered in shock as he realized what was about to happen. He lived near the centre of town and his bathroom window had a good view of the surrounding houses, alleys and shops. The plane was on course to crash about half a mile away in to the main shopping district.

And it was going to hit any second.

Jacob saw the plane go in to the ground taking out at least a dozen houses as it slid across the ground and then…

Everything went quiet in a flash of bright light that caused Jacob to put his forearm in front of his eyes. Then out of the light came a blast wave that thundered with an explosive roar almost shattering Jacob’s ear drums. He fell back in to the bathtub as the windows to the house nearly gave in and smashed.

Jacob didn’t hear much other than screams and wails. He got out of the tub and looked out the bathroom window to see a gigantic plume of charcoal grey smoke rising from the center of town. The smoke was turning the blue sky in to darkness as it spread slowly over the area. Another explosion, although much smaller lit up a building sending debris across the horizon.

“Oh my God…” Jacob managed to stutter before rushing in to his bedroom and grabbing some clothes and neccesities. Arthur was still shaking in the wardrobe and Jacob gave the pet a quick moment of comfort before running out in to the street, his short cropped hair still drenched. There were no sirens in the distance. Just horrified residents stepping out of their doors to see what had happened. Trying to fathom out the reality of such a terrible thing happening. “So many people dead…” one woman across from Jacob cried. Many of them were complaining about the phone lines and mobile services being disabled. Jacob checked his smart phone and realized his too was unable to make calls.

NORTHERN PUNK II

RECAP: Our delightfully damaged heroine, Ivy was chilling in her apartment after a long day of hunting… something… when she over heard a group of youths causing trouble for an elderly neighbour over protection money to a local nob head called Jonjo. Deciding she would help the old geezer out Ivy grabbed her trusty yellow baseball bat, Banana and went to investigate. Oh she also has a lovely Alsatian called Ash who’s currently probably sleeping back in the apartment or doing something else thats lazy…

ACT ONE
Bad Taste In The Mouth

PART TWO
Tracksuit Warriors Are The Worst

“Soooo.” Ivy said playfully. “Come on answer me, which of you bitches wants to go first?”

“What the fuck are you on about?” The thug closest to Ivy said. “Fuck off, dyke before we bash you up n ting.”

“Dyke?” Ivy replied puzzled.

“Yeh you fuckin’ dyke piss off.”

Ivy shook her head. “I’m not a dyke. Not that that’s any of your business.”

“Whats with the hair then?” Another thug asked.

“My hair is awesome! Better than your hair you piece of shiii- you know what… now is not the time… for pettiness.” Ivy calmed herself down. “Just let the old cute guy go or i’ll bash you up innit bled.”  She smiled whilst doing a pretty bad impression of the thugs’ dialect.

The largest youth threw the old man back in to his apartment and a crash was heard.

“Hey!” Ivy barked emotionally. “Why did you do that, poor guy’s probably broken a hip now!”

“Do you know who we work for?” The large youth asked condescendingly, coming to the front of the group.

Ivy cocked her head to one side. “Is the answer Ali G, East 17, Kevin and Perry or anything else that was big in the late 90s, early 2000s?”

The thugs looked even more bewildered by her. “What?”

“Come on do you not see it? You all look like you’re on benefits, have just come back from a Manchester rave and can’t afford clothes that weren’t made almost thirty years ago.”

“Kill this bitch yeah.” The large thug grunted causally.

The other three started stalking towards her but stopped when Ivy raised her bat towards them. “You.” She said pointing Banana to the largest one still stood by the old man’s door. “Your name is Cole, yes?”

Cole nodded.

Ivy took a step forward and grinned madly. “Cole… It wont be quick when you die.”

Cole narrowed his eyes at her as the other three thugs charged. Ivy ducked below their first swings and rolled past them before rising, spinning on the spot and slamming Banana in to the closest thug’s skull. The bat brought the thug all the way in to a wall crushing his head between the yellow chrome and the brick. The thug slumped down unconcious blood leaking from his nose. Ivy then turned her attention to the frightened remaining thugs. She at first smashed the knee cap of the one on the right before dodging the attacks of the left who had produced out of his pocket a small knife. Eventually after only managing to get one slash on Ivy’s arm, the left thug got tired of swinging the knife madly and she upper cutted him so hard he nearly flew in to the roof, the knife clinging down the hallway out of reach.

With the three smaller thugs on the floor she turned to Cole and raised her bat once more. Cole stepped back, rather sheepishly and looked as if he was going to bolt. Ivy kept approaching but was hindered by the thug she had upper cutted suddenly springing up and wanting to fight some more. He rushed Ivy from behind and tackled her to the ground where they scrapped viciously before Ivy managed to use both of her bare feet to kick him off and back down the hallway. She then ran and brought the bat rapidly swinging down upon the thug’s head. She didn’t look strong but she had incredible power behind her swings, grunting with every one she took.The youth placed his arms up to protect himself and had them smashed instead, repeatedly by Ivy who continued to bring the bat down brutally upon him as he buckled to his knees, crying in agony. The youth’s arm shield eventually gave in and snapped causing Ivy to ruthlessly bring the bat down once more upon the top of his head, cracking his skull open like a watermelon.

Ivy panted and stretched her limbs letting the adrenaline cool off. She turned again to see Cole running down the other end of the corridor away from her in terror. After taking a look at the beating she had delivered to the youths, she went in to the old man’s apartment and picked him up from the rug. As she did so she noticed something in the corner of her eye. Through the window out in to the hills. Something was wrong. Silence. She opened the window and looked out to the stars yet saw nothing but black clouds. There was something on the wind. She shook an uneasy feeling of dread off and helped the old man sit in the nearest arm chair. He was still shaking and Ivy could tell he was upset by the ordeal.

“Thanks miss.” He trembled and she placed an arm around him.

“Are you okay?” She asked sincerely.

“Thanks to you I- i think i am yes…”

“What are you doing dealing with those kinds of people old man?” She asked him gently. “It’s not safe.”

“I had no choice my love.”

“Hmm?”

“Oh aye. Its this- this thug called Jonjo. He came to my corner shop about a year ago and threatened to burn it down if i didnt pay him.”

“Not go to the police old timer?”

“He said he’d kill me if i did.”

“Of course he did… here let’s get you off to bed, you must be knackered.” Ivy said helping the man to his feet. “Dont you worry about those people dude. If they come back ill sort them out.”

An hour later Ivy sat on her bed cross legged and began meditating. Preparing for the return of Cole. She knew he would come back with more men. They always did. Ash was laid beside her bed, joyfully chewing on one of her hoodies whilst she wasn’t paying attention. Her clothes were scattered everywhere most notably next to a beige rucksack that also had a makeshift holster attached to the right side for her baseball bat which was laid out before her on the bed as if she was blessing the weapon. There were no posters or trinkets to show that this was her home. There were just clothes ready to be packed in a moments notice as Ivy had been forced to do on more than one occasion. It was almost second nature to her.

As she delved deep in to her mind, relaxing her body and muscles she started to feel overwhelmingly calm. The bruise on her spine and the slash on her arm from where she had fought the youths began to heal and after a short while it was gone completely. The aches from fighting had left her body too. She opened her eyes and found hersel fully restored. Yet she looked solemnly to Ash who had half a mouthful of fabric.

“Peace never lasts ey buddy.” She sighed softly before both hers and Ash’s ears perked up simutaneously.
Out in the hall was the rumbling of feet. The thundering loud stomps got closer and closer until a banging was heard at her front door.

Ivy poked her head out of her bedroom. “Is that room service?” She asked loudly.

“Open the fucking door you slag we know youre in there!” A gruff older cockney voice bellowed. “We got your address from one of your neighbours.

“Take that as a no then.” Ivy muttered, grabbing Banana from her bed and walking in to the corridor. She closed the door behind her after telling Ash to stay put by the bed. As Ivy took a few steps towards the front door, it burst open off it’s hinges and flew towards her. She barely managed to jump backwards and avoid the door landing on her.

Standing in the door frame was a short, stocky square headed individual with scars all over his asteroid battered face. Behind him emerged a small army of goons all wielding bats, wooden planks and broken glass bottles. Ivy saw through a gap in the crowd, Cole at the back sneering.

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“Im Jonjo.” The man at the front growled whilst raising his knuckle duster coated fists. “I heard you threatened my nephew.”

End of part two…

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