SUP STAR FACES
Quick talk about my first post before I begin with this one.
So the reaction I got was very unexpected but very positive at the same time. I got a lot of people telling me they were proud of me and that it took balls, so to all of you that read it and said those things, thank you for your support, it means the absolute fucking world to me. And if you’re reading this then thank you for coming back. I just kinda wish that it didn’t “take balls”. I wish there was a clearer way to speak out for people suffering through this. But that’s the shit thing about depression, it locks you on your own in a cage with a terribly sad and destructive, yet strangely powerful version of yourself. Well it did with me anyway. I just want to say though that it warms my heart knowing so many people care about this. It’s an issue that needs more exposure to ensure people they aren’t alone. Now back on to blog things…
Speaking of loneliness, no one likes to be on their own. Lucky for me then that I never am. As I just said, he’s always there, the other me. My shadow, the creeping monster at the back of mind. The even darker version of me (I’m half Indian and that was a race joke, please don’t sue me). Me and my friends call him Darth Maul. No, not because we love The Phantom Menace (WE DEFINITELY DON’T BY THE WAY)… But because I have a little bust of him and we figured it would be as good name a name as any. If you can identify your enemy then you can learn to understand them. Yeah he got the drop on me at first, wormed his way inside of me and turned me in to someone I’m not. I was in shock and in that shock he turned off all of the controls, left me on autopilot whilst he battered my internal defenses down. Broke the connections with what I held close to me.
But I am in control now. Feels good. Feels like freedom. But I’m not quite fully free, no… Not yet. Maybe not ever. And i still have a long road ahead of me.
Thing is, I got lucky. Luckier than other people in that position. I was so tired and battered down, so raw and exhausted. Everything was falling, swirling, turning to shit. Then out of no where the right series of events in just the right order managed to drag me out of the pit. Some of it was my own will, but a lot of it was my surroundings. Made me remember, switched me back on. Yet, it could so easily be taken away from me. If I get complacent or indulge in those thoughts that appear every day then I will fall. I’m in a pretty good place though and don’t think I will let it take me over again. It’s deep down now, locked away. But with depression there’s always the chance it may come back. I would say having any affliction, same with my Crohn’s disease is like Pokemon right? Hear me out. You play the first Pokemon and you build up a few levels. Then you meet that twat Blue (Gary, same guy, same stupid hair who we all rename dick head or something similar because we are FUCKING HILARIOUS) near the league… And you beat him and go on your way and then have a period of niceness and then every time you meet him, you have to fight him and he’s stronger. If you’ve played the game right (unless you are REALLY bad at it) then you should have become stronger too. So that’s what I have to do… Level my shit up so next time he appears I will be able to beat him.
Yup. I did just compare battling depression to the basic plot of Pokemon Yellow. You’re welcome.
So theoretically that means that I have to keep getting stronger before it rears it’s fuck ugly head again. Sounds like a plan me talking to myself, sounds like a plan! So how do I do that? How do I keep strong and positive? I mean, sometimes depression doesn’t give a shit what you have it can just appear. What I reckon is that I just have to keep building on the best parts of myself. My best friend recently asked me how I knew I was back. How I was sure that I was myself. And I told her it was because I felt it. You know… It. I hadn’t felt it in so long and it was back, that gut instinct, when you know you’re yourself you know you’re yourself. I felt emotional in a good way and still do. So I have to chase that feeling.
It’s probably pretentious and wrong comparing depression to an actual battle. Although both risk lives so I guess it isn’t. One is mental one is physical. Also probably pretentious me speaking of it as if it were an actual enemy. But again, both risk lives. So no. It isn’t. Pokemon doesn’t really do this justice does it?
Anyway! If i am resigned to living with a nemesis who is locked inside my mind then I can cope. Least this way I can keep an eye on him. Make sure he stays where he belongs. In the dark. I still get sad at what he has cost me. Every day. Still have the odd panic attack mainly due to the regrets. But I have a plan to combat them too which I will disclose to you soon. Each persons struggle is different. So all I can suggest is try and identify the struggle like I did. Try and personify it so you can beat it. Not too much personification though… I recently watched The Babadook which I thought was both meaningful and scary as shit. If you watch it you can take it how ever you like, but I took it as a metaphor for mental illness. A horrific physical manifestation of a woman’s troubles. Don’t want to be going to that much length to deal with this problem. Stay positive. Stay safe. Stay happy. Beat that motherfucker in to submission. AND TAP OUT.