HELLO FREAKS AND GEEKS
Before I get down to business, we should talk, me and you. It’s going to get personal, pretty raw and probably a bit soppy. So brace yourselves.
This may upset some people. But it’s the truth. And the truth isn’t told enough these days.
Up until a month ago, I wanted to end my life. And I had wanted that since the start of this year.
A little back story is needed. For about two years I have been battling crippling depression, an anxiety disorder, Crohn’s disease, alpha thalassemia, an iron deficiency and everything that comes swinging alongside those problems. Google them if you don’t know what they are. (Here’s a spoiler- They’re all pretty fucking terrible). That doesn’t mean I have been distraught and incapacitated all of that time. It just means it has effected and still does effect me.
Let’s focus on the depression for the time being though. Because depression recently took complete control over my life and is a wide spectrum that effects who suffers from it in different ways. Those who haven’t experienced it may hear the word and just think of someone who is really sad. I know I did. I thought it was just someone who was upset more than other people. I didn’t understand it or know what it was, truth be told I couldn’t comprehend it. Then around two years ago it started creeping in to my brain. I would be sad for long periods of time and happy for others. I thought nothing of it. A lot had happened at that time and I thought it was just personal stuff getting me down. But then the periods kept getting longer, the sadness would get deeper. And at the start of this year it enveloped me.
Just a sad person isn’t an accurate depiction of what depression is. It is vastly more complicated. See, my personal depression is a monster. Now you may laugh at that… But it is. It is a demon holding on to my brain and refusing to let go. It is a creature of the most harmful and destructive nature that will try it’s best to take everything I love. Because it wants that. It wants to harm me and in turn it wants me to harm myself. Suicide is a tragic act that unfortunately so many people commit. It’s not something to judge or be ashamed of them for. They aren’t selfish or doing it to hurt you. They are doing it because in their heads, there is no other option. It’s horrible and I never knew how easy it would be to get that close. I was right on the edge, almost about to do it. I would think about it constantly, every single day, every single hour for eight months straight. I wanted it to end. I couldn’t understand a single aspect of my world and I wanted the noise to be shut off, I wanted the nightmare to be over. It seemed so easy. I could slit my wrists, take an overdose. There were moments when I knew for sure I was going to do it. Knew for sure that that day would be the day. Luckily I was brought out of it each time by a smile or gesture from a loved one. But it still remained. Constantly ripping me apart. The world would be better off I thought. Turns out it wouldn’t because I am awesome. And everyone going through depression is awesome too. In fact we are all fucking awesome and should be told more that we are. Because humans are bright little sparks of energy and love and happiness (I like to think the majority of us are anyway) and we’re simply brilliant.
My admission of depression and an eight month urge to kill myself may seem strange to those who know me… because I am extremely good at hiding it, as most people who go through it are. Truth is, it has changed my life completely. I’m a different man to who I was two years ago. And that is because now my eyes are open. Now that I am slowly becoming myself again (still fighting though, I will most likely always have to keep fighting) I am constantly alert, trying to hold it off and keep it from regaining it’s hold over me. Granted ever since turning eighteen I have been quite aware of myself and how my actions are perceived by others and how I wish to be perceived through said actions. But up until recently I haven’t really had my eyes open fully. Now everything is fresh, new, exciting. I’ve kick started my engine and have been flooded with the emotions I hadn’t felt in a long time. Eight months doesn’t sound so long but trust me, it feels like a lifetime has passed me by without me being able to stop it or even know it was happening. It’s pretty bizarre for me right now. I can imagine this is what (NERD ALERT) The Doctor feels like when he regenerates. I’m not entirely better mind you, but I now realize a lot of good things about myself and the people surrounding me. Life seems more important to me. It seems like a different world that I have woken up in these past few weeks. But we will discuss that in another post..
Last December a series of events lead me to become numb. I lost all hope, all feeling, all faith in what I loved, had and believed in. The one person in my life who I loved and adored totally without doubt became a stranger to me. A shadow fell across my mind and in an instant I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t in control. I was drifting, unable to feel, lost in myself. Trapped. Imprisoned. Unable to care and at the same time unable to think freely. It’s hard to describe the Hell I was in. I couldn’t reach out to anyone and I couldn’t break free by myself. If you imagine when you are sad or in a situation where you are uncomfortable, and you close your eyes and you take yourself to a safe place where you are free of that burden and it elevates you. I didn’t have that. Because the misery was inside my head and as soon as the real world got too much I would close my eyes and my mind would snap to the worst possible solution. END IT. It was my mind attacking itself, hurting itself, destroying itself. And now, every waking hour I must stop myself from slipping in to that place by reminding myself of what I have. Beautiful friends, family and opportunities a lot of people don’t have.
My friends have always been the best part of me. As I said… More about that later.
I have been forced to grow up very quickly over the past four years. I am twenty now, and have experienced a lot in that short amount of time. Not as much as others sure, but we are all different people and in time with this blog I will try and explain some of my adventures and misadventures that have lead me to this point in life. That have lead to me, a twenty year old wannabe writer with big dreams who has just escaped from a prison in his own mind and is trying to start his life again. This is business. I will be using this blog as a platform for my weirdness. It won’t be all about depression, it may be topical, it may be untopical (is that a word? It is now) it will be whatever the fuck I want it to be. As I said I’m a wannabe writer. I have written three books available on Amazon (As Far As My Three Eyes Can See, Oddest Void and Grondledoom) under my pen name Jonathan Todd, so I may throw a few short stories on here just for the helluvit.
Why have I called it my guide to insanity? Because life is insane. None of it really makes sense. Doesn’t mean it’s bad though. Just means that it’s complicated and should never be taken for granted. Hopefully you will see what I mean if you don’t already. Oh and If you know someone who is going through depression or may be depressed. Don’t think of them as weak. Think of them as strong. Because every day is a struggle for them and they need your help now more than ever. If you don’t know what to do then try reading this. It’s pretty accurate.
PEACE STAR FACES