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JB's Guide To Insanity

We Are All Flawed

Month

September 2015

FUCK OFF DEPRESSION YOU BASTARD

SUP GEEZERS

Oops.
What?
Went and slipped and fell in to the hole again, didnt you? Deeper than ever this time twat face why did you let that happen?!
Dunno. Kinda just… happened.
What did you do?
Some stupid shit.
Like what?
Dont wanna say.
All you do do is stupid shit when youre down here you fucking numpty.
Yeah.
Does this help?
What?
Writing about it?
No. Nothing does. Just something to do thats not laying in bed at stupid oclock and thinking about it yano?
Yeah but youre writing this at stupid oclock.
Oh yeah. Thats cos the hole keeps me awake.
Thats what he said… AHEM. You havent done one of these in a while.
Thats cos i dont know what to say. I was doing well now im not. Dont want to bore people.
You want to end it again yes?
Yes.
And whats stopping you?
Not sure. Something is.
Maybe you have to find it.
I dont have the energy. Cant sleep. Cant think straight. Everything is spiraling. I dont even care anymore.
What helped you last time?
Not sure. Dont even remember. All i know is this time is worst.
Ah.
Yes. Ah.
Okay so what do we do?
Wait it out. Itll go away eventually…
Ah right.
Hmmm.
What?
Well… it comes back stronger each time. I did something stupid this time. Im worried that ill go through with the big finale next time.
Maybe.
Nah. Be rate. Sure itll all be fine. I swear to God though, if the hole makes me miss Avengers Infinity War i will kick the fuck off.

PEACE JEDI KNIGHTS
XOXO

LIVING WITH YOURSELF

COME IN BANANAS

Mistakes mistakes mistakes. Weird word when you say it out loud over and over. And regrets! Regrets are the thoughts and feelings usually associated with mistakes, yes? You meet a thing called Mistake and you hate it but not that much. It’s something you can deal with right? But you hang around with Mistake too much and then it’s mate, Regret turns up and that twat is even worst than Mistake! It is an A class piece of shite. Regret eats you up… Churns you out. Then before you know it it’s Mistake and Regret spinning constantly, trying to make you hate yourself, reminding you of your flaws and failures. They are like that nob head friend or neighbour everyone has who you just cant get rid of. Grim Fandango if you ask me.

Nah best to stay away from that kind of shit. All it leads to is that sick feeling in your stomach. Best to just forget about everything you have done wrong and leave it in the past where it belongs. Pretend you’re a saint and maybe, just maybe everyone else will start believing it too!

Nope.

My best friend made me realize recently that that is not an option. And thank God I have her because otherwise I would be so far up my own arse- PROMISE I WILL DO A BLOG ABOUT MY FRIENDS BECAUSE I AM SO FUCKING LUCKY TO HAVE THEM. Ahem… sorry. Anyway I have found that there’s a pretty drastic difference between dwelling on your mistakes and the second option that I have started to use which is remembering them. You can remember what you have done wrong in life, that is not a bad thing to do. You can remember it and hold it close so that it moulds you to be better. Every fall, every time you hurt someone and couldn’t/wouldn’t say sorry until it was too late, every bit of pain and misery you inflicted that you hate having done in the first place. Just remember it from time to time. Granted regret it for a while. If you don’t acknowledge it as a mistake then you will keep repeating it. But come to terms with it and then remember that feeling of being there, of being so angry with yourself and promise to never let that happen again. We are always changing and moving forward and that’s not a bad thing. If you accept that then you can live in the now.

However, it is important that we remember our past selves so that we don’t get stuck in a cycle. So that we can learn from our errors and try not to repeat them, but also so we can remember the good we have done. Negativity pretty much always out weighs positivity in our minds and the minds of others. It’s easy to forget the good times when things go down hill. Just as long as you don’t see your mistakes as the world ending then I’ve found that it leads to a place of “kinda okay” which is always a start. It is okay to be flawed. It is okay to make a billion different errors. Because that is human nature. And believing ourselves to be perfect and without fault is what gets us all fucked up in the first place. Yeah if you do something bad then feel bad about it, try your best to resolve it and expect bad things to come at you for some time. I mean I don’t think karma is a spiritual thing I think of it as cause and effect. You do something wrong then it’s gonna come back to bite you on the balls eventually.

But don’t let it own you.

I have made many mistakes. And I will make SO many more before I check out. And that’s okay! I cant control what I have done so what’s the point of dwelling on it now and getting myself depressed? When I make mistakes these days I will try to rectify them to the best of my abilities and use it as a base to improve on. We are all different people all the way through our lives. Case and point I used to be a massive dick head… okay okay okay some would say I still am. BUT THE POINT IS now I would like to think I have grown as a person. More accepting of the people around me (as long as they aren’t a massive twat). Still loud mouthed and acting stupid but everyone does really. Deep down i feel better though. Not necessarily a good person but one who is trying.

I am happy with this me. This one kinda knows what he is. He’s a slightly broken human who is trying to be the best he can be. I’ve changed a lot since I was eighteen. For the better. REMEMBER NOT PERFECT. But better than i was at least. I feel so open now and fresh, because I have come to terms with the fact that some things I can’t take back and I can’t fix. Some people I can’t say sorry to because it wouldn’t mean anything to them. And that’s okay. Because I am not perfect. I’m just like everyone else, absolutely gone in the head and trying to make the most out of the shit pie we call a society… Doesn’t stop us from being fabulous though.

PEACE GEEZERS
XOXO

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