It was a long fucking January…
…But so far its been a good fucking February.
LET ME EXPLAIN. Also strap the fuck in because i have read this back and its a bit long so stay with me. THERE IS A POINT TO THIS.
You know one of the main problems l get with being a depressive? It is sometimes hard to get my story straight. One minute im somewhere in the ballpark of okay the next im spiralling out of control with no way of stopping myself.
Bad me has his hand around my throat…
It can cause difficulties especially in my social and work life. I cant always tell someone i am one thing, because i can flip throughout the day. Literally it can be hour by hour and this is how i am when i am not just completely taken over by it. Its harder when people dont understand but im lucky to have a great work team who fully support me and know its out of my control. But still days sometimes go by without me having an answer to the question “are you okay?”. Despite that though, something new and good came in to my life and for the sake of that i was kinda managing it through Jan.
Key word is that i was managing it.
See I tend to get overwhelmed easily. As i said, It was going pretty good after i had clawed my way out of the worst depression episode i have ever experienced however, i had suddenly a bunch of shit to deal with. Aside from the good people and the positive things in my life there seemed to be a lot of pressure building on me. I wont go in to it too much but i was under quite a bit of stress-
– and that combined with a really bad cold (ooh sniffles), caused me to have a flare up of my Crohns.
Now, I dont talk about my Crohns much as it’s something i’ve been managing (as much as it drains and hurts me i would say it’s usually under control which is lucky for someone with the condition) for a while now. My depression isnt helped by it but i class that as just one cause in a list of many that lead me to become so low. I feel like i can talk about my depression better than my Crohns because it effects me far more than my Crohns does.
Anyway! Three weeks ago i had the Crohns flare. I almost passed out (bit of a blur) a few times at work, with me eventually ending up in hospital until the early hours of the morning. It was very draining and upsetting and i still havent really got over the lack of sleep, or rather gotten over the lack of sleep ive had since i was eighteen.
Me kind of at my worst stage after hospital looking sexy but still like shit.
Body aches, and i mean the type that you cant move from.
Bleeding out my ass (sorry if you reading this over breakfast).
All at once. Usually my Crohns just cherry picks them on a daily basis but this was the whole shabang.
So! Day to day i see my body working at half capacity 50%.
When its a flare up or my depression swamps me 25% or lower depending on whether or not im in hospital.
As someone who has lived without the conditions and knows what its like to feel 100% i know that i can never get back to being that healthy or functioning physical wise again. I also know that 100% is definitely a thing and that a lot of you reading this will feel on top of your game right now.
One of the keys to understanding a chronic illness is knowing that people like me wont ever be like that physically. Mentally yes we can be if we keep fighting! But not physically unless they find a cure which fingers crossed they might do one day.
As stated mental wise im tip top right now but with the body the best i can do is a solid 75% and thats on the rarest of days when im storming in to life and grabbing it by the balls (translates as when ive eaten properly and luckily avoided anything that might set it off).
If that whole percentage thing helps you understand living with autoimmune diseases/depression a little better, then im glad.
Havent felt so physically bad in a while so was a bit of a shock to the system. The problem i was having is that they had put me on steroids which were effecting my depression quite badly the first week or two. Epic mood swings that left me suicidal and feeling sick. Im still on them but my dosage is being lowered week by week until the beginning of march when i can come off them and theyve actually made me feel a lot better both mentally and physically. Still getting fatigued easy as shit and i do have to keep taking it steady as proved by the other day when i had to go home from work because i was so knackered.
But that was one day. Aside from that i was coming in to work more positive then i have been in i would say a year and im glad to announce that
I HAVENT BEEN SUICIDAL IN TWO WEEKS!
Well i have been suicidal once or twice but not as it has been in the past. Ive actually been doing really well mentally, despite the odd hiccup. Creatively im back on track which i havent been in so long, ive organized myself and built mental walls. Its good and ill explain in another post. Not out of the woods yet but its better than it was and thats a start 🙂
Back on to crohns though…
I have been on steroids once before a long time ago for about a week or two but they made me really sick so i asked to be taken off them. It’ll take my body some time to get back to full working order but for now im pretty steady. I am kind of lucky to be only on a five week course because some people have to go on them for a lot longer periods.
I got some take away 😉
I told you THERE IS A POINT TO THIS BLOG POST and its here.
Mis quoting Batman Begins:
“why do we fall?”
“So we can learn to pick ourselves up.”
I picked myself up from the rubble. I and the safety net of mine (along with all this medication) brought me back to the land of the living. Im more focused on whats important now than i ever have been. Just because steroids didnt work once doesnt mean they didnt work this time. Have to keep trying things to heal yourself.
I have like two different audiences here so let me try and address you both.
To my non depressed peeps:
Some of you may think that two weeks isnt that long to go without being suicidal. Thats because you dont have to fight your own brain every day. Not your fault but try and see it as that. Someone whos fought off their own fucking brain. Imagine your brain being your enemy not something you just use to decide what socks youre going to wear in the morning. Sounds pretty dangerous dont it? Also i know most of you are but be kind. Try and be understanding. You have no idea how much your understanding helps.
To my depressed and faulty diamonds in black and white:
We fall so we can get back up even stronger. I make it sound like i got lucky i know what youre thinking because i would think that too. Its not something you can just snap out of. Its not something you can just cure. Its something that pummels us. But we dont ever let it kill us.
To those of you who can go a day or even an hour without being suicidal that is a fucking achievement and you are winning already. Dont for a second think you aint. Youre still here which makes you stronger than most of the people around you.
You have to always keep fighting (akf). Always. No matter what, you need to keep scrapping because one day it will be warm and safe and nothing will hurt anymore and more importantly it will be that way and you will be ALIVE. Im not fine im far from it but im better than i was and this fall has shown me how to keep myself safe. I can do this. You can do this. There is literally so much to life and this is actualy me talking, not depressed me. I have been and no doubt will be again on both sides of this fence. Mentally i have been the lowest that you can be without being physically dead. Its fucking horrible and hard and frightening but once you find that thing that brings you back then you will realize life is worth it. And that thing will be out there. Its okay to be depressed its okay to be sad. But you have to keep fighting for your life. Because i assure you it is vastly more important than you think it is in this moment.
We are all diamonds inside. Please see that you are one too or just see how others see you. My friend told me that a diamond is a diamond because it has no self worth, It is valued by others. He said that i cant ever see my self as a diamond because i think everyone else is far more important. But i had no idea how highly this family of mine thought of me and chances are neither will you.
If said others around you are negative and dragging you down then do your best to get out of there. Bad things come to bad people eventually and those that hurt you will put themselves in to misery. Find the good because they are out there. I was lost for a very long time until i found my people.
Its not easy i know, but im just asking that if you read this and are depressed or going through a flare up of a disease dont quit. Keep fighting because you are so fucking strong. Youre a boss like me. Keep fucking shit up. You will get there in the end and it will be so worth it.
Stay safe, stay strong and akf bitches. You got this. We got this. My favourite comic is Calvin & Hobbes. It got me through a lot when i was younger and is just genius. Think this kinda is relevant right now for whoevers reading.
Its not always going to be good. But its not always going to be bad either. ✌