WARNING: MAY CAUSE TRIGGERS FOR PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION/SELF HARM/BULLYING ISSUES. Read with caution please.
This is going to be hard for me to write down but I need to do it because I am almost constantly in danger of myself now. If you are reading this then please excuse any errors in my writing.
It may come as a surprise to some of you but I was bullied from the age of about 8 to 16.
8 was when I sort of remember it starting and 16 was when I met my first girlfriend (and now one of my best friends) who in a way saved me from it.
Every single part of my physical appearance was repeatedly criticized and broken down in excruciating detail. Im talking my clothes, my hair, my nose, my eyes, my teeth, my skin colour, my body even my voice- everything was mocked on what id say was an almost daily basis whilst I was at school. And thats not to mention my personality which was completely deconstructed and torn apart repeatedly over those formative years. My love of comics and games, my sensitivity, my base nature was just beaten again and again and again until I learnt to hide it. It wasnt all of those things every day but I remember it being at least one thing that I was criticized for daily by different people. I had no one to tell me It was wrong so quickly i accepted it for who i was. I couldnt talk to my family because i was scared and by the time i befriended people my age who couldve gotten me out of it (as i said i didnt get out until i met my first girlfriend) it was too late and I hid my suffering from them too. It was rare that I got through a day unscathed without feeling self concious and I dreaded going to school or out with people. Granted it wasnt all terrible and I had some good times, but good times dont scar you like bad times do they.
It didnt go away though after I changed who I am, no. See even after Id morphed in to a different person, warped my personality and buried it, becoming a loud mouthed popular twat in the process to try and make people like me, it still happened. Constantly. I got put down so much and so often that I now have a heap of mental and physical issues. Crohns can develop through great stress and this bullying amongst other things contributed. So I have that to deal with too.
I was pretty popular in school and amongst the shit bags I did have a couple of amazing friends who I am still lucky enough to be best friends with today. I got popular because I could make people laugh. But secretly I was being put down by a sociopath who was supposed to be my best friend, who would join in whenever others laughed at me and would threaten me with his friendship if I didnt do what he said. Looking back I should have told him to do one but I thought I was worthless what else was I going to do.
Yano what the worst thing was? People calling me stupid, ugly and a freak that would never get a girlfriend became my beliefs. Ive hated myself, not believed in what I could do since I was 11. And i remember so many moments in crisp detail when someone said these things to me. When its drilled so long in to you that you are nothing you become nothing and you block out the positive people’s compliments and thoughts on you. You become a shell that you fill up with other peoples emotions and responses to distract you from the sadness.
Its like this horrible poison inside of me that slows me down. There is a voice in my head that constantly hurts me and it isnt mine, it belongs to them. It belongs to those ten or twelve people who broke me slowly over the years. I think what is worst is that it was normal to me because a few of those people were supposed to be my best friends…
I can imagine a lot of those “friends” would put it down to “banter” yeah. But see I have new best friends now who can joke around and have “banter” whilst adoring every part of me and what makes me who I am. Im lucky to say my old nerdy personality shines through now and they love me for it (the three or four friends i still have from school love me for it too and did back then but theyve only mainly seen it over the last three years due to me hiding it). They have never criticized a thing about me and they would do anything for me and I them. My old friends or friend rather would have spit on me if it would make someone outside of our group laugh. Since leaving school and getting away from these people Ive become kinder, smarter, more tolerant, more understanding, more my own person despite the many problems I have and the fact that i struggle to believe any of those things i just said i was if it wasnt for the many people around me who reinforce it every day to try and help me.
But still that voice I mentioned halts me from accepting love because I dont love myself. I cut myself because of my depression. My depression is caused by lots of things and this voice does not help it one bit. It stops me from enjoying the now because my thoughts are constantly plagued by the past.
It makes me have breakdown after breakdown every day whether its internal or ones people see. I need to kind of talk about this now because I dont know how else to deal with it anymore. I need to write this down so that its there and so that I can clarify it happened. At some point every day I want to kill myself and it has been like this for the past 2 years (im on a lot of medication, strong anti depressants included, so my time line is completely fucked due to memory fog) I think with very brief moments of joyous clear mindedness. There are multiple reasons for my suicidal thoughts, reasons caused by actual events and the ones created by the false reality that depression forms… however, one of things that tortures me most is that I was bullied. And it feels weird saying that because I dont talk about it and most people didnt see it because I wore one hell of a confident mask in school and even now most days at work. It was only a few months ago that I accepted it was actually bullying that happened to me. I used to just say i got treated like shit but no. I was bullied. And recently it has overwhelmed me and it hurts so fucking much. I am exhausted. I am tired and angry and sick of having it in my system. I torture myself on every little thing about me. It goes beyond anxiety it is self hatred in its purest form, so strong that I cant sleep, that I have to force myself to not cut my arms again every night, that I feel like dying at some point every day, that I cant take even the slightest hint of aggression towards me without freezing up and mentally breaking down. I see a counsellor every week and i cant let it go. It just wont get out no matter what i do.
But I keep going because of the people I have now and my hopes for my creative future.
A few months ago the main culprit for my self torture messaged me and asked me to tell him why I had blocked him on most forms of social media except the one he messaged me on which I had forgot to do. I said why and politely told him i didnt want to talk about it in major detail to which he went on a self pitying explanatiom about how guilty he was and how he shouldnt have done this or that to me.
I was as calm and kind as possible and I told him it wouldnt make a difference but he should let it go and try and move on to find peace as we have all changed since school (including myself). I didnt tell him the effect it had on me because I didnt think he was worthy of hearing it and also I dont want someone else’s self torture on my concience. After he continued with the paragraphs I did however, tell him to apologize to a few people dear to me that he had also upset in the past. Then when he argued saying he couldnt apologize to everyone he decided that he would have the balls to say that I was treating him like a bad person which wasnt very fair of me.
I left it at that to stop myself raging at this deluded self righteous piece of human shit and telling him to go kill himself like I should have done given the years of psychogical Hell that has been inflicted upon me by parasites like him.
And if he is reading this then here’s a message for him.
Fuck you and Im glad you feel guilty you piece of shit. And even though I would probably feel sick inside and want to die if I ever had to have the mispleasure of bumping in to you again, and even with all the horrible shit I have to go through daily I want you to know that the many, many people I have in my life these days are each worth a billion of you. Also a heads up if you see me out with them Id advise not coming near us to try and talk to me because… as soon as I point out who you are, they’ll probably tear you to pieces.
That sounds like im angry or bitter or callous and i honestly try not to be because it doesnt solve anything and neither does demonizing someone… But you try going through it every day without being a bit spiteful. I think all things considered I could be a lot harsher.
A positive is that I am now a good person because I know thats what i am from the love I have and the people who lift me up and show me who I really am inside and outside. The people who have gone through Hell with me and have held me when I have had panic attack after panic attack (and in some cases vice versa). Yeah I might have just done stupid shit in school but you know what, I didnt and still to this day dont insult people because of who they are and how they look. And the rare occasion I did was from that particular “friend’s” pressure/influence and I apologized and beat myself up for it mercilessly. Believe me I know Im not a saint and its no excuse if I ever hurt anyone because at the end of the day my choices are my own even if I was weak and semi forced in to doing the wrong thing. But I have and most likely will never forgive myself for even the slightest mistake I make/have made.
Maybe I should but I cant because of what has happened to me. Most days the mask is on but cracked deeply and now everyone sees through in to that damaged sad person who feels sick whilst looking in a mirror.
I suppose a point of this would be to be kind. You dont know who you hurt or how much effect you have on people with your words. But in all honesty this doesnt have a point. Because by the time youve finished reading this i will be back fighting off suicide and trying to keep pushing through. These words dont do what I go through justice in even the slightest way. Im not looking for pity or sympathy I just needed to write this down because Im tired. Which again is an understatement.