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JB's Guide To Insanity

We Are All Flawed

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drama

NORTHERN PUNK III

RECAP: Our delightfully damaged heroine beat up some scum bags who were threatening an old man. Unfortunately one of the scum called Cole, got away and whilst Ivy was chilling, he came back with a small army of more scum! Ooh also Ivy has a lovely Alsatian called Ash who is most likely having a nap whilst Ivy does all the hard work…

ACT ONE
Bad Taste In The Mouth

PART THREE
Bloodied Bat

The leader of the army and Cole’s uncle, Jonjo grunted. “Well. Did you threaten my nephew?!”

“Did i threaten him?” Ivy asked back casually swaying left to right. “Yes. Threatened i did and i probably killed a couple of his friends too. I put their bodies in the bins out back if you were looking for them.” She directed past Jonjo to Cole at the back who instantly hid his face. Ivy then took a step closer to Jonjo so she was inches away from him. “Just between me and you pal…” She whispered and winked. “Im going to kill your nephew first”.

Jonjo snorted and grinned showing blackened rotting teeth. “You do realize we are gonna come in there and kill you for what you’ve done dont you?”

“No. You are going to come in here and get beaten either half to death or fully to death depending on how i feel in the moment. I have had a really long day so i mean we have to factor in whether or not i can be bothered to cave your heads in. This is Banana by the way.” She grinned at the men, waving the weapon up and down jovially. “Pretty ain’t she?”

“You’re very funny.” Jonjo clapped and rubbed his hands together, clinking the knuckle dusters on them. “We will see how funny you can be when we are finished with you. You know you aint that bad lookin’ so i might let the boys have fun with you before i throttle you to death.”

“Ooh lucky me! You are such a charming individual i bet your mum is so proud. Well come on in then boys.” Ivy said walking in to the living room, followed by the men.

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Ivy stood with her back to the balcony windows and rested her baseball bat on her shoulder. Jonjo let the others run at her first, all swinging their knives, planks and bats wildly at her. Ivy dodged each attack with unnatural grace, weaving and ducking her way through them until she reached Jonjo at the other end of the room who she caught by surprise and punched in the testicles. Jonjo fell to the ground in agony as Ivy leap frogged over another thug charging at her and flipped her way to Cole who was cowering at the back again. She finally swung her baseball bat in to his throat, cracking his neck as it impacted.

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Cole fell to the floor gripping at his crushed windpipe and gasping for air. Ivy then turned to the shocked thirteen men crammed in to her living room and let out a sigh. A single twizzled pink hair strand dangling in front of her eyes. She huffed it away and then lowered her bat to Jonjo who was gazing up at Ivy as if he was captivated by the pain she had put him in.

“One thing i hate more than chavs Mr Jonjo… Are rapists. It wont end well for you.” Ivy spat through gritted teeth with a mad glaze in her eyes. She then breathed in deeply pushed her hair back slightly out of her face and ran at the men. Hopping over Jonjo she battered repeatedly the face of the first man to come at her causing his face to cave in. The second third and fourth charged and she spun around them knee capping one and moving on the next.

Grunts and screams of the men as they swung their weapons and had their bodies broken by Ivy were all that could be heard from the flat. Other residents poked their heads out peering from their doors in to Ivy’s open one. Occasionally a pink blur would dart past in the living room followed by a splatter of blood and a crashing of glass or other items that had become collateral. Jonjo finally got to his feet as Ivy broke the spine of the last remaining goon and then drop kicked him through the windows and over the balcony.

She was covered in sweat and blood splats and the still groaning men were writhing like worms in dirt upon her floor. Breathing heavily, mouth hung open slightly and hair completely in her eyes, Ivy turned her attention to the bewildered Jonjo who could hardly believe what had happened.

Jonjo shuddered and stepped backwards trying to ready himself. Ivy remained stationary waiting for him to make his move, her chest raising up and down rythmically. “You stupid fuckin’ bitch!” Jonjo roared in a broken voice having possibly lost his mind from watching his nephew and almost all of his gang die. He clenched his fists and in a fit of rage ran at her swinging left and right, cursing louder and louder with every move.

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Ivy with ease stepped out of the way again and again until Jonjo exhausted himself. He stumbled tired and disorientated and Ivy took Banana and swung it under arm in to his genitals. Jonjo fell back in to the glass table shattering it and stabbing his own back. Ivy then stood in front of the bleeding crippled man and with all her force brought the bat down on his genitals again and again until there was nothing left but blood.

Jonjo had passed out by the fifth swing and Ivy dragged him over to the balcony where she threw him off down to the grotty courtyard below. One by one she threw the men to their deaths, ignoring their pleas for mercy. They had attacked her. Threatened her. It was their choice she kept telling herself. Their choice. After finishing her work, Ivy stood in her destroyed living room and dropped Banana to the floor. Her hands were trembling. There was nothing here now, she had to move on before the police came. The residents didnt have her name and the apartment block owner owed her a rather huge favour which is why she had been provided with the accomodation in the first place. Also in all fairness she had caused worst body counts and carnage up and down the country and not been caught yet and its not like the police would believe a young woman singlehandedly beat up thirteen men or so. By this time tomorrow Ivy would be out of the county and on her way.

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She looked over to her room where Ash was and started towards it before suddenly feeling overwhelmingly dizzy. Ivy wobbled as her legs turned to jelly and her heart beated so fast it echoed in her head. “Oh.. oh shit.” She said falling to the floor and passing out.

End of part three…

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Dying Bravely: Episode Two

Jacob’s bug eyes were jolting from person to person. He broke in to a sprint and turned every corner heading towards the smoke. Chaos. ‘No sirens, why aren’t there any sirens?’ He carried on all the way in to town, only having to break two or three times to catch his breath. Still no sirens. Many other people had caught on to this too and were running full pelt all around him. Jacob drowned out the voices all shouting at one another. All noise. The group of two hundred or more came to their first blockade. An entire four story office building collapsed on it’s side, which was large enough to block up the roads. People were hanging from the windows, some were scattered across the pavement and tarmac, dismembered or worst. Blood and fire was everywhere. Jacob helped where he could, dragging people from the rubble, trying to put out fires, comforting the dying.

It didnt seem real to him. This was not him. He didnt do this. This wasnt reality, this was, must have been a nightmare. This was false. Hours passed. There were still people trapped in the rubble. No authorities came. No sirens. As a few left to help in other areas or find loved ones, another few left to bring vans and tools to help at the scene. Twenty men, lead by a former fire fighter had driven to the fire station where they had found it abandonned. Returning with three fire engines they helped put out the numerous fires and used the ladders to reach people high up.

Eventually after four hours they believed they had rescued anyone still alive to rescue and most of the crowd, including Jacob moved on through and over collapsed alleys, demolished houses, a caved in sewer and a dozen or more shops that had been brought to rubble.

Corpses and limbs littered the streets.

The day went on. The dead far outweighed the living as the crowd got closer and closer to the crash site. Soon enough questions of “how could this happen?” Or “where are the authorities?” Became a thing of the past. Soon enough there weren’t many injured people lying amongst the army of bodies… No one left to save.

The darkened skies were now turning to dusk and what little sunlight they had was now replaced by torches and head flash lights. They had to abandon the fire engines when another road block stopped them from being brought around the wreckage and in to places of use. The former fireman who’s name Jacob believed was Oliver was a grizzled, towering, gruff man in his mid sixties, who had a rough face that time had not been kind to. As the journey went on Oliver had become the defacto leader due to his experience in fire and rescue, his medical training also helped too on more than one occasion.

Jacob was the first to set sights on the crash sight. A thick dry coat of dust and blood covering his body and his clothes. There was fire spread around the remnants of the black plane that had broken in half and folded like paper, the tail at a 90 degree angle poking from a meteoric dig in the ground facing the men and women.

“That cant have been any normal plane.” Oliver grumbled nearby Jacob. “To make an impact like this?”

The front end of the plane was on the other side of the giant blast zone shredded and ablaze. To the left and right of the blast zone emmerged the other groups of people who had been helping their way through the chaos. They silently nodded at eachother before looking down in to the pit of plane wreckage. “What do you reckon was in there then?” A man asked Jacob who was staring gormlessly in to the fire.

“I erm- im not sure.” Jacob replied caught off guard.

The man looked over at Oliver. “Its a military plane right, Oliver?”

Oliver nodded and walked over. It was at this point Jacob noticed that the leader of the group had been wearing what appeared to be a well fitted white shirt, black suit pants and smart shoes that were all now filthy and torn up.

“Aye it is.” Oliver snorted. “It’s a Boeing C-17 Globemaster III. Or was. Painted all black though… bit odd.”

“Maybe its some secret government black site thing like in America area 56 or whatever its called.” The man droned making Jacob think he was a simpleton.

A few others also walked over and gave their opinions. Jacob switched off and took a step towards the edge looking deep in to the chasm. There in the middle of the plane crash was a set of cargo containers which appeared to be ripped open with large claw marks in them.

Before Jacob could say anything a crackling came over on Oliver’s walkie talkie.

“Craven. It’s Alan. We’ve just been to the edge of town it’s not good.”

“What is it?” Oliver replied looking around at the others.

“We are being quarantined…” Alan sighed exasperated. “They are closing all exits to the town off. We are on our own.”

Jacob looked back in to the pit and clenched his fists until they turned white.

THE TEA HOUSE III

Part Three:
BITTER
TO THE CORE

“Don’t wake up Penn. Stay with me.”
Her words ringing in my head are not useful right now. Right now I need to focus

Outside the Tea House we both stand. Mao is confused. He rarely is so I feel accomplished at making the lanky yet confident man anxious. I can tell by the look on his face that he is unsure of the situation at hand. He smirks at me after some amount of silence has gone by.

I don’t smirk back.

“Something amusing?” I ask him, stoically.

He nods, still smiling. “W- What is this?” He almost bursts out laughing. “Come on, did you have a bad opium trip last night or what? What’s with this shit Li?”

I just continue staring at him.

“So you kill one of your highest enforcers and his crew and then ask some child to let us know what you did and where to find you. Why?” He drops the smile but is still speaking jovially.

“Mao, when the day is done I will explain my actions and what caused them to only one man. Eiji.”

“Eiji?” He asks in disbelief whilst taking a step forward to me.

I nod once. “Eiji.”

“Eiji never comes to these filthy parts of the city, Li. You know that-”

“He will by the end of the day. He will have no choice.”

“But he’s- He’s an old man, what is going on?” He scoffs.

“I told you. I will only explain my actions to him, and him alone.”

He looks at me seriously now. “I see. You..  You know then?”

“Would you like to come in for a chat Mao?”

He looks over my shoulder at the Tea House and spits on to the floor.

“Thing is, if I go in there… I won’t come out.”

“Well… You won’t come out alive.”

He looks flustered. “It was an accident-”

“Don’t.”

“But they didn’t know it was-”

I break his nose to stop him from talking. He stumbles over himself and falls in a puddle, messing up his expensive over coat. After some groaning he gets up and walks past me in to the shop. Mao knows when to fight and when not to. He’ll put up a weak fight inside out of honour to himself, I would expect nothing less of him.

He takes a seat at the table that me and Lady sat at and I sit across from him. He holds his broken nose in one hand and tries to stop the blood gushing.

“I’m a message then?” He asks.

I nod.

“And you are going to deface my body somehow?”

“Correct.”

He laughs. “What are you going to do? Hang me from the roof top?”

I stare at him quietly and he drops his smile.

“I’m not a fighter.” He whispers.

I lean forward. “I am.”

Mao sighs and leans back. “When you get the chance… Make it quick.”

“As you wish.” I reply whilst getting to my feet and making a clearing of tables. He slowly gets to his feet and walks over to me. He swings once and I dodge his fist, sending a punch towards his side. He leans over and grunts and I spin around him, placing a hand on the top of his head and another on his jaw. A quick snap later and he falls to his knees and then to the floor dead.

Mao’s body blows lightly in the wind. The noose around his neck keeps him hanging in front of the shop window and a few residents of the slums come out to see what’s happening. I exit the shop and walk to them.

“Spread the word!” I call out. “Li Penn has murdered Zin Mao!”

Dying Bravely: Episode One

06:05 AM
Tuesday, 05/05/16

Jacob Thorne

Weary crusted red eyes. They were always so heavy on him. The idea of moving from the bed which kept him warm lead Jacob to thoughts of suicide and then to the comforting arms of sleep again. He awoke ten minutes later and decided he could continue through the day if only he willed himself to do so. Clawing his way out of the double bed like a mole out of the Earth, Jacob stumbled as he got to his feet and checked himself over in the body length mirror by his bedroom door.

‘You look like shit today.’ He thought to himself before remembering that, to him he looked like shit on a daily basis.

Breakfast went down better than it had done the previous day. Toast and a cup of black coffee. Not that the caffeine did anything for Jacob other than give him gentle palpatations and increase his ever present anxiety. There was movement outside of the house he now owned by himself. Jacob’s neighbour Peter going to work.

Peter was twice Jacob’s age and pleasant enough however, Jacob being a twenty six year old manic depressive who’s only friend was a self absorbed, over weight Ginger Moggie named Arthur was not really the type of person who wanted to have ‘small talk’ with anyone. Especially people who seemed to be overly happy with life as it was.

Arthur was sat by the sofa licking his fluffy paws, minding his own business as Jacob passed by him through the living room to the stairs.

“Some people have it so easy you fat bastard.” Jacob grunted to which Arthur popped his head up for a brief second before returning to the soaking of his paws in syliva.

Upstairs, the shower soaked Jacob’s almost anorexic, skeletal body, relaxing his muscles and causing his eyes to close from the comfort. For this brief moment every morning he thought of bliss and peace before returning to the mundane nature of his existance in the world. He knew he spent too much time in the shower. At this point though he just didn’t care.

‘Its half seven in the morning though and its time to stop procrastinating and get ready… You could always just phone in sick, its not like they could disprove it-‘

Jacob heard a strange sound that distracted him from his thought process. It was a plane engine of some kind but extremely low down. It must have been flying over the houses given how loud it was getting. Jacob’s bathroom window was creaked open and he could hear feignt screams coming from people outside in their gardens and on the streets.

Suddenly Jacob felt his entire house shudder and begin to rattle. The distant sound of cheap plates, mugs and bowls smashing over the tiles downstairs were followed by the various washing items falling off of their shelves and scattering over the bathroom floor. Arthur screeched and bounded up the strairs in to Jacob’s wardrobe as the cat often did when he was scared. Afraid of slipping and cracking his neck, Jacob quickly sat down in the bath before reaching up and turning off the shower. The shaking continued and the deafening engine growl came hurtling over head. Jacob darted over to the window, and peered out.

A few streets away the source of the noise, a huge black military cargo plane was heading for a collision. On the plane’s left side Jacob could see one of the wings burning wildly as it descended.

“Fuck me.” Jacob uttered in shock as he realized what was about to happen. He lived near the centre of town and his bathroom window had a good view of the surrounding houses, alleys and shops. The plane was on course to crash about half a mile away in to the main shopping district.

And it was going to hit any second.

Jacob saw the plane go in to the ground taking out at least a dozen houses as it slid across the ground and then…

Everything went quiet in a flash of bright light that caused Jacob to put his forearm in front of his eyes. Then out of the light came a blast wave that thundered with an explosive roar almost shattering Jacob’s ear drums. He fell back in to the bathtub as the windows to the house nearly gave in and smashed.

Jacob didn’t hear much other than screams and wails. He got out of the tub and looked out the bathroom window to see a gigantic plume of charcoal grey smoke rising from the center of town. The smoke was turning the blue sky in to darkness as it spread slowly over the area. Another explosion, although much smaller lit up a building sending debris across the horizon.

“Oh my God…” Jacob managed to stutter before rushing in to his bedroom and grabbing some clothes and neccesities. Arthur was still shaking in the wardrobe and Jacob gave the pet a quick moment of comfort before running out in to the street, his short cropped hair still drenched. There were no sirens in the distance. Just horrified residents stepping out of their doors to see what had happened. Trying to fathom out the reality of such a terrible thing happening. “So many people dead…” one woman across from Jacob cried. Many of them were complaining about the phone lines and mobile services being disabled. Jacob checked his smart phone and realized his too was unable to make calls.

NORTHERN PUNK II

RECAP: Our delightfully damaged heroine, Ivy was chilling in her apartment after a long day of hunting… something… when she over heard a group of youths causing trouble for an elderly neighbour over protection money to a local nob head called Jonjo. Deciding she would help the old geezer out Ivy grabbed her trusty yellow baseball bat, Banana and went to investigate. Oh she also has a lovely Alsatian called Ash who’s currently probably sleeping back in the apartment or doing something else thats lazy…

ACT ONE
Bad Taste In The Mouth

PART TWO
Tracksuit Warriors Are The Worst

“Soooo.” Ivy said playfully. “Come on answer me, which of you bitches wants to go first?”

“What the fuck are you on about?” The thug closest to Ivy said. “Fuck off, dyke before we bash you up n ting.”

“Dyke?” Ivy replied puzzled.

“Yeh you fuckin’ dyke piss off.”

Ivy shook her head. “I’m not a dyke. Not that that’s any of your business.”

“Whats with the hair then?” Another thug asked.

“My hair is awesome! Better than your hair you piece of shiii- you know what… now is not the time… for pettiness.” Ivy calmed herself down. “Just let the old cute guy go or i’ll bash you up innit bled.”  She smiled whilst doing a pretty bad impression of the thugs’ dialect.

The largest youth threw the old man back in to his apartment and a crash was heard.

“Hey!” Ivy barked emotionally. “Why did you do that, poor guy’s probably broken a hip now!”

“Do you know who we work for?” The large youth asked condescendingly, coming to the front of the group.

Ivy cocked her head to one side. “Is the answer Ali G, East 17, Kevin and Perry or anything else that was big in the late 90s, early 2000s?”

The thugs looked even more bewildered by her. “What?”

“Come on do you not see it? You all look like you’re on benefits, have just come back from a Manchester rave and can’t afford clothes that weren’t made almost thirty years ago.”

“Kill this bitch yeah.” The large thug grunted causally.

The other three started stalking towards her but stopped when Ivy raised her bat towards them. “You.” She said pointing Banana to the largest one still stood by the old man’s door. “Your name is Cole, yes?”

Cole nodded.

Ivy took a step forward and grinned madly. “Cole… It wont be quick when you die.”

Cole narrowed his eyes at her as the other three thugs charged. Ivy ducked below their first swings and rolled past them before rising, spinning on the spot and slamming Banana in to the closest thug’s skull. The bat brought the thug all the way in to a wall crushing his head between the yellow chrome and the brick. The thug slumped down unconcious blood leaking from his nose. Ivy then turned her attention to the frightened remaining thugs. She at first smashed the knee cap of the one on the right before dodging the attacks of the left who had produced out of his pocket a small knife. Eventually after only managing to get one slash on Ivy’s arm, the left thug got tired of swinging the knife madly and she upper cutted him so hard he nearly flew in to the roof, the knife clinging down the hallway out of reach.

With the three smaller thugs on the floor she turned to Cole and raised her bat once more. Cole stepped back, rather sheepishly and looked as if he was going to bolt. Ivy kept approaching but was hindered by the thug she had upper cutted suddenly springing up and wanting to fight some more. He rushed Ivy from behind and tackled her to the ground where they scrapped viciously before Ivy managed to use both of her bare feet to kick him off and back down the hallway. She then ran and brought the bat rapidly swinging down upon the thug’s head. She didn’t look strong but she had incredible power behind her swings, grunting with every one she took.The youth placed his arms up to protect himself and had them smashed instead, repeatedly by Ivy who continued to bring the bat down brutally upon him as he buckled to his knees, crying in agony. The youth’s arm shield eventually gave in and snapped causing Ivy to ruthlessly bring the bat down once more upon the top of his head, cracking his skull open like a watermelon.

Ivy panted and stretched her limbs letting the adrenaline cool off. She turned again to see Cole running down the other end of the corridor away from her in terror. After taking a look at the beating she had delivered to the youths, she went in to the old man’s apartment and picked him up from the rug. As she did so she noticed something in the corner of her eye. Through the window out in to the hills. Something was wrong. Silence. She opened the window and looked out to the stars yet saw nothing but black clouds. There was something on the wind. She shook an uneasy feeling of dread off and helped the old man sit in the nearest arm chair. He was still shaking and Ivy could tell he was upset by the ordeal.

“Thanks miss.” He trembled and she placed an arm around him.

“Are you okay?” She asked sincerely.

“Thanks to you I- i think i am yes…”

“What are you doing dealing with those kinds of people old man?” She asked him gently. “It’s not safe.”

“I had no choice my love.”

“Hmm?”

“Oh aye. Its this- this thug called Jonjo. He came to my corner shop about a year ago and threatened to burn it down if i didnt pay him.”

“Not go to the police old timer?”

“He said he’d kill me if i did.”

“Of course he did… here let’s get you off to bed, you must be knackered.” Ivy said helping the man to his feet. “Dont you worry about those people dude. If they come back ill sort them out.”

An hour later Ivy sat on her bed cross legged and began meditating. Preparing for the return of Cole. She knew he would come back with more men. They always did. Ash was laid beside her bed, joyfully chewing on one of her hoodies whilst she wasn’t paying attention. Her clothes were scattered everywhere most notably next to a beige rucksack that also had a makeshift holster attached to the right side for her baseball bat which was laid out before her on the bed as if she was blessing the weapon. There were no posters or trinkets to show that this was her home. There were just clothes ready to be packed in a moments notice as Ivy had been forced to do on more than one occasion. It was almost second nature to her.

As she delved deep in to her mind, relaxing her body and muscles she started to feel overwhelmingly calm. The bruise on her spine and the slash on her arm from where she had fought the youths began to heal and after a short while it was gone completely. The aches from fighting had left her body too. She opened her eyes and found hersel fully restored. Yet she looked solemnly to Ash who had half a mouthful of fabric.

“Peace never lasts ey buddy.” She sighed softly before both hers and Ash’s ears perked up simutaneously.
Out in the hall was the rumbling of feet. The thundering loud stomps got closer and closer until a banging was heard at her front door.

Ivy poked her head out of her bedroom. “Is that room service?” She asked loudly.

“Open the fucking door you slag we know youre in there!” A gruff older cockney voice bellowed. “We got your address from one of your neighbours.

“Take that as a no then.” Ivy muttered, grabbing Banana from her bed and walking in to the corridor. She closed the door behind her after telling Ash to stay put by the bed. As Ivy took a few steps towards the front door, it burst open off it’s hinges and flew towards her. She barely managed to jump backwards and avoid the door landing on her.

Standing in the door frame was a short, stocky square headed individual with scars all over his asteroid battered face. Behind him emerged a small army of goons all wielding bats, wooden planks and broken glass bottles. Ivy saw through a gap in the crowd, Cole at the back sneering.

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“Im Jonjo.” The man at the front growled whilst raising his knuckle duster coated fists. “I heard you threatened my nephew.”

End of part two…

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