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The Octopus Who Tried to Stay Positive

As always BIG TRIGGER WARNING PEEPS. If you have thoughts of self-harm and suicide please read with caution.

borderline-personality-disorder

What if you can’t stay positive?

What if in times of stress you can’t see the good that is around you?

What if you feel alone even when surrounded by people?

What if those you love, who usually make you the brightest person on the planet, seem so distant that they are basically echoes?

 What if no matter how hard you try to feel something you don’t, and when you do feel it is either deep sadness, overwhelming anxiety, emptiness, loneliness, or all of those feelings combined?

What if you are scared by the above notion that some people do not have a choice in those feelings? That thoughts aren’t the key to solving these problems, because the thoughts themselves cannot be changed. It’s hard to accept never mind understand, but none the less there is no choice provided to you. You have these thoughts and feelings and they are rigid no matter what is said or done.

I’d say I’m a fighter. I’ve been here long enough and gone through enough to know that I am one who will always keep trying. “I’m still here.” has become my comfort and reassurance to people. I’ve battled severe depression and anxiety for a while now and managed to keep myself alive, even with all the suicidal thoughts constantly there for however many years it has been. It’s hard to get a grasp on when things happened in my life with all the medication and mental illness clouding my mind but I think it has been around three years now. I did a rough calculation and found that over the past three years I have been depressed/suicidal for over a thousand days.

A thousand days which is rather daunting. I believe I’m allowed to say that it’s a fucking testament to my strength that I am still here, even though admittedly it has taken its toll on me. I do sometimes feel a bit like the Wolverine of mental health, no lie though. Not to glorify it at all but you know. I’m proud of myself for being here.

wolvey
Big up my fellow nerds xoxo

 Here’s a confession. I haven’t felt joy or whatever happiness is for around a month. I mean the belief that we should all be happy all the time is bullshit anyway and happiness I do believe is more akin to a drug rather than an actual state of being. 100% happy people please do correct me if I’m wrong…

The moment of joy was this brief shining one that lasted for the entirety of one day. Before that I was up and down constantly. Mostly down and even when I was happy, the numb emptiness and suicidal thought track is always in the back of my mind during and then prominent after. That’s the difference between myself and someone without a mental illness. Stability doesn’t exist to me.

I recently got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s kind of a mental illness cocktail with depression anxiety and a whole other bunch of stuff thrown in to the mix.

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/#.WQQmWIjyvIU

and I also have hyper sensitivity and Crohn’s.

FUN! Lol.

I’ve kind of realised through talking about it that I’ve probably always had the disorder in my life. I exhibit most, if not at times all, of the symptoms along with some others that aren’t in that link. Its effected my relationships, my social life in a lot of miniscule and also huge ways. I do and have done things that don’t seem to have reason to even myself and that’s not in the typical ‘twat about whilst you are young’ way either… These were things that really fucked up my life when there was no reason to fuck it up. I worry about everything I do or say or think and how others perceive me and it has gradually worn me down. I am by nature contradictory, one minute I will have one stance the next another. Fundamentally I know I try to be kind however, in terms of personal wants and needs I am very flippant. There are honestly so many symptoms and things my brain goes through all whilst trying to get through day to day life (each day feels like a week) and live as well as possible.

Can you see why it may be hard for me to communicate what is going on with me?

If you have clicked on that link for BPD then you will see the intense emotions that vary throughout the day bit. So, it’s got to the point where I don’t have that anymore really because I am just gone. It was beyond horrible when it was like that and I think my brain had to cope with it by just shutting off all emotion as it has done before. Sounds lucky I know but… I only feel bad things or emptiness now which is a barrel of laughs.

My point of this entire post though is this.

We as a society can sometimes expect those with mental health issues to fix their problems by simply thinking positively. There is a lot of pressure to always be happy, always stay level headed. I was the same before I was around it. Don’t get me wrong positivity helps. Definitely helps. But with my condition, most of the time I cannot think positively. Try to see it as me saying I can’t physically lift something. If you gave me a car and told me to lift it I wouldn’t be able to because I am a skinny little shit.

“I can’t mentally do it” should be a new saying.

Again just because someone can’t mentally do something it doesn’t mean they aren’t trying. It doesn’t mean they have given up. You have to give people credit for trying right?

shrug
Right?

 Me being positive is not self-harming, me being positive is not giving in to the suicidal thoughts, me being positive is identifying what is real and what isn’t. Are they talking about me? Are they thinking I’m a piece of shit? Did I offend that person? Do I have feelings for that person who I’ve already established I don’t have feelings for ect ect ect ect on a daily basis. A daily fucking basis haha.

You’ve got to laugh or you’ll cry for real.

Here’s the thing I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, I literally just want you to understand. I just want to be understood because a lot of the time I can’t be understood. I’m lucky enough that people around me always try to understand. I know though that there are others who aren’t in that situation. I guess this next bit is for famiies or friendship groups who have a loved one that’s struggling to deal with shit.

Please try to understand that sometimes there isn’t a choice and sometimes there isn’t really a thing that can make it better with some people. That doesn’t mean don’t try to make it better it just means maybe listen instead. You’ll never know how far just listening and hugging or smiling and saying you are there can do for someone. Tell them it will get better though they can’t see it but understand that they cannot see it. Just try not to put pressure on that person to think positive to change their mental illness.

“You’ve just got to stay positive.” Is not something that can always help. Try and judge the situation. Believe me I know how hard it is because I’ve been around people suffering from mental health issues since I was sixteen and I didn’t know how to handle it at first. If you say that to someone close to you then watch their reaction. The little sideways glance as they think ‘but I can’t mentally do that, there’s a block’. The silence because they feel pressured to not let you know that they can’t think positive, no matter how hard they try they just can’t see the other side, even though it very much exists.

Its very easy for us to feel like we are wrong or broken because of these thoughts.

You may not understand and that is fair enough because honestly, we don’t fully either. Me and a close friend of mine call ourselves octopus’ because we are unstable in every way. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

octo
Look at this fabulous mother fucker tho ❤

Like I said you have to laugh or you’ll cry. When crying takes up most of your time it’s always nice to laugh every now and then.

I just want to be understood. Most people do. I have BPD, I’m a mental Samurai Master, I’m an Octopus and I’m also human just like you.

I have found that it doesn’t take much to try.

Peace peeps, stay safe xoxo

Mental Health Awareness Week

I will try to keep this short but sweet.

It is mental health awareness week and i just wanted to put some words out. I havent done a blog post about my issues since Feb as i haven’t really known what to say. Not that there haven’t been issues to talk about. There has been a lot going on that i could have written about on here. However, sometimes you can say all you have to say on a subject, even if it is one very personal to you that effects not only yourself but many of your loved ones too.

Why this week is important though is because it shows the world is getting more open minded. The fact that a week is dedicated to spreading awareness of mental health issues is a sign of the times. And also a sign of hope.

I originally had a few more paragraphs written here that i deleted. In them i criticized the people who still believe that mental health problems are made up. It was quite agressive but then i realized that to me this week isnt really about anger at ignorance. To me this week is about helping those in silence and letting them know they arent alone.

Some may wonder why those words “you are not alone” are said so much on these kinds of things. Its because mental health problems create a very lonely existance for the person suffering from them. And a constant reminder of people not being alone never hurt.

So try and be kind and open minded. It doesnt take much to be compassionate or demonstrate tolerance and understanding. If someone you know is going through something then be respectful and remember that they  have no control over it and believe me they wish they did.

Like think about it this way, you wouldnt get mad at someone for getting a sickness bug or a cold, would you? You wouldnt say “just be positive or just dont think about it and you wont have to deal with it anymore”. So why get mad and say that to someone who goes through things far worst in their head on their own every day that they have no control over.

This week to me is about love and care. The two things that make humans human. So just love and care. Its not that hard.

Stay safe people. Keep fighting. You are the strongest people in this world no matter what you think or are told. I know its hard but you can do this 🙂

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Xoxo

ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING

It was a long fucking January…

…But so far its been a good fucking February.

LET ME EXPLAIN. Also strap the fuck in because i have read this back and its a bit long so stay with me. THERE IS A POINT TO THIS.

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You know one of the main problems l get with being a depressive? It is sometimes hard to get my story straight. One minute im somewhere in the ballpark of okay the next im spiralling out of control with no way of stopping myself.

Bad me has his hand around my throat…

It can cause difficulties especially in my social and work life. I cant always tell someone i am one thing, because i can flip throughout the day. Literally it can be hour by hour and this is how i am when i am not just completely taken over by it. Its harder when people dont understand but im lucky to have a great work team who fully support me and know its out of my control. But still days sometimes go by without me having an answer to the question “are you okay?”. Despite that though, something new and good came in to my life and for the sake of that i was kinda managing it through Jan.

Key word is that i was managing it.

See I tend to get overwhelmed easily. As i said, It was going pretty good after i had clawed my way out of the worst depression episode i have ever experienced however, i had suddenly a bunch of shit to deal with. Aside from the good people and the positive things in my life there seemed to be a lot of pressure building on me. I wont go in to it too much but i was under quite a bit of stress-

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– and that combined with a really bad cold (ooh sniffles), caused me to have a flare up of my Crohns.

Now, I dont talk about my Crohns much as it’s something i’ve been managing (as much as it drains and hurts me i would say it’s usually under control which is lucky for someone with the condition) for a while now. My depression isnt helped by it but i class that as just one cause in a list of many that lead me to become so low. I feel like i can talk about my depression better than my Crohns because it effects me far more than my Crohns does.

Anyway! Three weeks ago i had the Crohns flare. I almost passed out (bit of a blur) a few times at work, with me eventually ending up in hospital until the early hours of the morning. It was very draining and upsetting and i still havent really got over the lack of sleep, or rather gotten over the lack of sleep ive had since i was eighteen.

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Me kind of at my worst stage after hospital looking sexy but still like shit.

#sleepyaf
#baggyeyessohardcouldcarryshoppingin

😴😴😴😴😴

Stomach pain.
Body aches, and i mean the type that you cant move from.
Exhaustion.
Discomfort.
Bleeding out my ass (sorry if you reading this over breakfast).
Nausea.
Disorientation.

All at once. Usually my Crohns just cherry picks them on a daily basis but this was the whole shabang.

So! Day to day i see my body working at half capacity 50%.

When its a flare up or my depression swamps me 25% or lower depending on whether or not im in hospital.

As someone who has lived without the conditions and knows what its like to feel 100% i know that i can never get back to being that healthy or functioning physical wise again. I also know that 100% is definitely a thing and that a lot of you reading this will feel on top of your game right now.

One of the keys to understanding a chronic illness is knowing that people like me wont ever be like that physically. Mentally yes we can be if we keep fighting! But not physically unless they find a cure which fingers crossed they might do one day.

As stated mental wise im tip top right now but with the body the best i can do is a solid 75% and thats on the rarest of days when im storming in to life and grabbing it by the balls (translates as when ive eaten properly and luckily avoided anything that might set it off).

If that whole percentage thing helps you understand living with autoimmune diseases/depression a little better, then im glad.

Havent felt so physically bad in a while so was a bit of a shock to the system. The problem i was having is that they had put me on steroids which were effecting my depression quite badly the first week or two. Epic mood swings that left me suicidal and feeling sick. Im still on them but my dosage is being lowered week by week until the beginning of march when i can come off them and theyve actually made me feel a lot better both mentally and physically. Still getting fatigued easy as shit and i do have to keep taking it steady as proved by the other day when i had to go home from work because i was so knackered.

But that was one day. Aside from that i was coming in to work more positive then i have been in i would say a year and im glad to announce that

I HAVENT BEEN SUICIDAL IN TWO WEEKS!

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YUP!!!! ✋✋✋🎈👍👍👍🎂👌👌👌🎉

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Well i have been suicidal once or twice but not as it has been in the past. Ive actually been doing really well mentally, despite the odd hiccup. Creatively im back on track which i havent been in so long, ive organized myself and built mental walls. Its good and ill explain in another post. Not out of the woods yet but its better than it was and thats a start 🙂

Back on to crohns though…

I have been on steroids once before a long time ago for about a week or two but they made me really sick so i asked to be taken off them. It’ll take my body some time to get back to full working order but for now im pretty steady. I am kind of lucky to be only on a five week course because some people have to go on them for a lot longer periods.

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                 I got some take away 😉

I told you THERE IS A POINT TO THIS BLOG POST and its here.

Mis quoting Batman Begins:

“why do we fall?”
“So we can learn to pick ourselves up.”

I picked myself up from the rubble. I and the safety net of mine (along with all this medication) brought me back to the land of the living. Im more focused on whats important now than i ever have been. Just because steroids didnt work once doesnt mean they didnt work this time. Have to keep trying things to heal yourself.

I have like two different audiences here so let me try and address you both.

To my non depressed peeps:
Some of you may think that two weeks isnt that long to go without being suicidal. Thats because you dont have to fight your own brain every day. Not your fault but try and see it as that. Someone whos fought off their own fucking brain. Imagine your brain being your enemy not something you just use to decide what socks youre going to wear in the morning. Sounds pretty dangerous dont it? Also i know most of you are but be kind. Try and be understanding. You have no idea how much your understanding helps.

To my depressed and faulty diamonds in black and white:

We fall so we can get back up even stronger. I make it sound like i got lucky i know what youre thinking because i would think that too. Its not something you can just snap out of. Its not something you can just cure. Its something that pummels us. But we dont ever let it kill us.

To those of you who can go a day or even an hour without being suicidal that is a fucking achievement and you are winning already. Dont for a second think you aint. Youre still here which makes you stronger than most of the people around you.

You have to always keep fighting (akf). Always. No matter what, you need to keep scrapping because one day it will be warm and safe and nothing will hurt anymore and more importantly it will be that way and you will be ALIVE. Im not fine im far from it but im better than i was and this fall has shown me how to keep myself safe. I can do this. You can do this. There is literally so much to life and this is actualy me talking, not depressed me. I have been and no doubt will be again on both sides of this fence. Mentally i have been the lowest that you can be without being physically dead. Its fucking horrible and hard and frightening but once you find that thing that brings you back then you will realize life is worth it. And that thing will be out there. Its okay to be depressed its okay to be sad. But you have to keep fighting for your life. Because i assure you it is vastly more important than you think it is in this moment.

We are all diamonds inside. Please see that you are one too or just see how others see you. My friend told me that a diamond is a diamond because it has no self worth, It is valued by others. He said that i cant ever see my self as a diamond because i think everyone else is far more important. But i had no idea how highly this family of mine thought of me and chances are neither will you.

If said others around you are negative and dragging you down then do your best to get out of there. Bad things come to bad people eventually and those that hurt you will put themselves in to misery. Find the good because they are out there. I was lost for a very long time until i found my people.

Its not easy i know, but im just asking that if you read this and are depressed or going through a flare up of a disease dont quit. Keep fighting because you are so fucking strong. Youre a boss like me. Keep fucking shit up. You will get there in the end and it will be so worth it.

You Batman.

We Batman.

Stay safe, stay strong and akf bitches. You got this. We got this. My favourite comic is Calvin & Hobbes. It got me through a lot when i was younger and is just genius. Think this kinda is relevant right now for whoevers reading.

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Its not always going to be good. But its not always going to be bad either. ✌

                               Xoxo

2015 Was A Bag Of Dicks

Hellooo

I literally had the worst christmas day and week of my life. And yesterday it culminated in me being lower than i have ever been before. Ive never been so lost. For those who read my blogs youll know that each time my brain attacks me it gets stronger and stronger. That was literally the hardest ive ever had to fight in my life, and looking back on yesterday i cant believe how close i got to the edge. And you know, if it wasnt for a few select people in my life i wouldnt be here right now. I have the bestest friends in the world and i am the luckiest person to have them.

There’s a quote by aristotle that i learnt from reading Batman comics lol. It’s “what is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies”. Its true when you think about it. I dont often take on best friends that i love this deeply. Its hard for me to completely connect with people around me because i dont want to expose them to this. I have best friends but there are people in my life (as in everyones life) who i trust completely and will always open up to because i connect with them beyond friendship. I gained two more last night. I consider them blood, more like soulmates.

I dont usually end up at that point where i need saving. Its rare because i can usually fight it off on my own. So it has left me shaken and worried for what happens next time. I almost did it. Now theres a difference between almost ending it and thinking about ending it. Both are horrible. But almost ending it is where you have nothing left of you anymore. Its just the black poison in you at the wheel. It wasnt me in control so i am very worried. It was scary. The other me had its hand around my brain and wouldnt let go. Dunno what happened to get me out of it whether it was me breaking through a wall from exhaustion or just the help i had. But the thought of those friends makes me stronger. It lifts me up.

When you are from a dysfunctional home and you have physical and mental issues and not to mention those cheeky regrets, life can be very difficult at christmas time. It can be pressured on people to be happy just because its a season for people with no bullshit to be happy. I usually am happy on christmas. Usually… but not gonna lie this year has made the Grinch (at the beginning of the film) my idol.

Its been a wank year. And sticking with the Grinch analogy i still havent found my Whoville to bring me out of this slump. But ive got two families who love me. The one i was born with and the one ive chosen. Both might have their problems but both are what i have to live for. As a person with no self worth, who loathes himself entirely, its easy for me to fall in to the pit. But ive got people who build me up and keep me safe and warm and strong. Im not entirely free and, still shaking, its baby steps until ive recovered. And ill have to watch out for the other me sneaking up on me like this again, the absolute bastard… Baby steps!

I wanna thank some people for being here for me and in no particular order;

My mum, my brother Chris and my cousin Megan (birth family obviously)

And my chosen family;

Nathan
Jade
Laura
Sophie
Jorde
Josh
Rob
And introducing Kym and Cat.

I love you all to the moon and back.

All my other best friends know what they mean to me too and i love you guys more than i can say, its just the above have been the ones to save me on a regular basis cos theyve been exposed to it more unfortunately for them haha.

Point is its been horrible. Next year is probably going to be bizzarre and shit and probably more of the same nonsense. But a lot of chess pieces are moving about, and for the first time im actually kinda sorta excited. None of this new year new me bullshit, nah im gonna be the same messed up freak ive been for a while. But i feel like some things are just beginning to start and are going to grow in to hopefully better things.

You can always have hope.

We never know how a year is going to turn out until we get to the end of it. I can safely look back at this year and say  that was a bag of fucking shit and im glad to be rid of it. Cant even express how shit its been, probably the toughest year of my life. Ive self harmed, nearly ended it a dozen times.

But i have those special few to hold on to because they build me up. If anything will get me through 2016 its the same thing that got me through 2015. My family and my friends.

Stay strong and keep safe people. If youre in the same position as me, remember that reaching out for help is the best thing you can do. If you dont have a support network then find one, there is always someone and somewhere you can go that is not a grave. Theres always hope. That person telling you to die isnt you. Its a disease that you can beat and that you will beat because youre a strong lil bastard even if i dont know you. Trust famalams. Im weak as shit and if i can do this then so can you.

Have a lovely new year

Xoxo

LIVING WITH YOURSELF

COME IN BANANAS

Mistakes mistakes mistakes. Weird word when you say it out loud over and over. And regrets! Regrets are the thoughts and feelings usually associated with mistakes, yes? You meet a thing called Mistake and you hate it but not that much. It’s something you can deal with right? But you hang around with Mistake too much and then it’s mate, Regret turns up and that twat is even worst than Mistake! It is an A class piece of shite. Regret eats you up… Churns you out. Then before you know it it’s Mistake and Regret spinning constantly, trying to make you hate yourself, reminding you of your flaws and failures. They are like that nob head friend or neighbour everyone has who you just cant get rid of. Grim Fandango if you ask me.

Nah best to stay away from that kind of shit. All it leads to is that sick feeling in your stomach. Best to just forget about everything you have done wrong and leave it in the past where it belongs. Pretend you’re a saint and maybe, just maybe everyone else will start believing it too!

Nope.

My best friend made me realize recently that that is not an option. And thank God I have her because otherwise I would be so far up my own arse- PROMISE I WILL DO A BLOG ABOUT MY FRIENDS BECAUSE I AM SO FUCKING LUCKY TO HAVE THEM. Ahem… sorry. Anyway I have found that there’s a pretty drastic difference between dwelling on your mistakes and the second option that I have started to use which is remembering them. You can remember what you have done wrong in life, that is not a bad thing to do. You can remember it and hold it close so that it moulds you to be better. Every fall, every time you hurt someone and couldn’t/wouldn’t say sorry until it was too late, every bit of pain and misery you inflicted that you hate having done in the first place. Just remember it from time to time. Granted regret it for a while. If you don’t acknowledge it as a mistake then you will keep repeating it. But come to terms with it and then remember that feeling of being there, of being so angry with yourself and promise to never let that happen again. We are always changing and moving forward and that’s not a bad thing. If you accept that then you can live in the now.

However, it is important that we remember our past selves so that we don’t get stuck in a cycle. So that we can learn from our errors and try not to repeat them, but also so we can remember the good we have done. Negativity pretty much always out weighs positivity in our minds and the minds of others. It’s easy to forget the good times when things go down hill. Just as long as you don’t see your mistakes as the world ending then I’ve found that it leads to a place of “kinda okay” which is always a start. It is okay to be flawed. It is okay to make a billion different errors. Because that is human nature. And believing ourselves to be perfect and without fault is what gets us all fucked up in the first place. Yeah if you do something bad then feel bad about it, try your best to resolve it and expect bad things to come at you for some time. I mean I don’t think karma is a spiritual thing I think of it as cause and effect. You do something wrong then it’s gonna come back to bite you on the balls eventually.

But don’t let it own you.

I have made many mistakes. And I will make SO many more before I check out. And that’s okay! I cant control what I have done so what’s the point of dwelling on it now and getting myself depressed? When I make mistakes these days I will try to rectify them to the best of my abilities and use it as a base to improve on. We are all different people all the way through our lives. Case and point I used to be a massive dick head… okay okay okay some would say I still am. BUT THE POINT IS now I would like to think I have grown as a person. More accepting of the people around me (as long as they aren’t a massive twat). Still loud mouthed and acting stupid but everyone does really. Deep down i feel better though. Not necessarily a good person but one who is trying.

I am happy with this me. This one kinda knows what he is. He’s a slightly broken human who is trying to be the best he can be. I’ve changed a lot since I was eighteen. For the better. REMEMBER NOT PERFECT. But better than i was at least. I feel so open now and fresh, because I have come to terms with the fact that some things I can’t take back and I can’t fix. Some people I can’t say sorry to because it wouldn’t mean anything to them. And that’s okay. Because I am not perfect. I’m just like everyone else, absolutely gone in the head and trying to make the most out of the shit pie we call a society… Doesn’t stop us from being fabulous though.

PEACE GEEZERS
XOXO

NEMESIS

SUP STAR FACES

Quick talk about my first post before I begin with this one.

So the reaction I got was very unexpected but very positive at the same time. I got a lot of people telling me they were proud of me and that it took balls, so to all of you that read it and said those things, thank you for your support, it means the absolute fucking world to me. And if you’re reading this then thank you for coming back. I just kinda wish that it didn’t “take balls”. I wish there was a clearer way to speak out for people suffering through this. But that’s the shit thing about depression, it locks you on your own in a cage with a terribly sad and destructive, yet strangely powerful version of yourself. Well it did with me anyway. I just want to say though that it warms my heart knowing so many people care about this. It’s an issue that needs more exposure to ensure people they aren’t alone. Now back on to blog things…

Speaking of loneliness, no one likes to be on their own. Lucky for me then that I never am. As I just said, he’s always there, the other me. My shadow, the creeping monster at the back of mind. The even darker version of me (I’m half Indian and that was a race joke, please don’t sue me). Me and my friends call him Darth Maul. No, not because we love The Phantom Menace (WE DEFINITELY DON’T BY THE WAY)… But because I have a little bust of him and we figured it would be as good name a name as any. If you can identify your enemy then you can learn to understand them. Yeah he got the drop on me at first, wormed his way inside of me and turned me in to someone I’m not. I was in shock and in that shock he turned off all of the controls, left me on autopilot whilst he battered my internal defenses down. Broke the connections with what I held close to me.

But I am in control now. Feels good. Feels like freedom. But I’m not quite fully free, no… Not yet. Maybe not ever. And i still have a long road ahead of me.

Thing is, I got lucky. Luckier than other people in that position. I was so tired and battered down, so raw and exhausted. Everything was falling, swirling, turning to shit. Then out of no where the right series of events in just the right order managed to drag me out of the pit. Some of it was my own will, but a lot of it was my surroundings. Made me remember, switched me back on. Yet, it could so easily be taken away from me. If I get complacent or indulge in those thoughts that appear every day then I will fall. I’m in a pretty good place though and don’t think I will let it take me over again. It’s deep down now, locked away. But with depression there’s always the chance it may come back. I would say having any affliction, same with my Crohn’s disease is like Pokemon right? Hear me out. You play the first Pokemon and you build up a few levels. Then you meet that twat Blue (Gary, same guy, same stupid hair who we all rename dick head or something similar because we are FUCKING HILARIOUS) near the league… And you beat him and go on your way and then have a period of niceness and then every time you meet him, you have to fight him and he’s stronger. If you’ve played the game right (unless you are REALLY bad at it) then you should have become stronger too. So that’s what I have to do… Level my shit up so next time he appears I will be able to beat him.

Yup. I did just compare battling depression to the basic plot of Pokemon Yellow. You’re welcome.

So theoretically that means that I have to keep getting stronger before it rears it’s fuck ugly head again. Sounds like a plan me talking to myself, sounds like a plan! So how do I do that? How do I keep strong and positive? I mean, sometimes depression doesn’t give a shit what you have it can just appear. What I reckon is that I just have to keep building on the best parts of myself. My best friend recently asked me how I knew I was back. How I was sure that I was myself. And I told her it was because I felt it. You know… It. I hadn’t felt it in so long and it was back, that gut instinct, when you know you’re yourself you know you’re yourself. I felt emotional in a good way and still do. So I have to chase that feeling.

It’s probably pretentious and wrong comparing depression to an actual battle. Although both risk lives so I guess it isn’t. One is mental one is physical. Also probably pretentious me speaking of it as if it were an actual enemy. But again, both risk lives. So no. It isn’t. Pokemon doesn’t really do this justice does it?

Anyway! If i am resigned to living with a nemesis who is locked inside my mind then I can cope. Least this way I can keep an eye on him. Make sure he stays where he belongs. In the dark. I still get sad at what he has cost me. Every day. Still have the odd panic attack mainly due to the regrets. But I have a plan to combat them too which I will disclose to you soon. Each persons struggle is different. So all I can suggest is try and identify the struggle like I did. Try and personify it so you can beat it. Not too much personification though… I recently watched The Babadook which I thought was both meaningful and scary as shit. If you watch it you can take it how ever you like, but I took it as a metaphor for mental illness. A horrific physical manifestation of a woman’s troubles. Don’t want to be going to that much length to deal with this problem. Stay positive. Stay safe. Stay happy. Beat that motherfucker in to submission. AND TAP OUT.

LATERS BANANAS

XOXO

FRESH FACED

HELLO FREAKS AND GEEKS

Before I get down to business, we should talk, me and you. It’s going to get personal, pretty raw and probably a bit soppy. So brace yourselves.

This may upset some people. But it’s the truth. And the truth isn’t told enough these days.

Up until a month ago, I wanted to end my life. And I had wanted that since the start of this year.

A little back story is needed. For about two years I have been battling crippling depression, an anxiety disorder, Crohn’s disease, alpha thalassemia, an iron deficiency and everything that comes swinging alongside those problems. Google them if you don’t know what they are. (Here’s a spoiler- They’re all pretty fucking terrible). That doesn’t mean I have been distraught and incapacitated all of that time. It just means it has effected and still does effect me.

Let’s focus on the depression for the time being though. Because depression recently took complete control over my life and is a wide spectrum that effects who suffers from it in different ways. Those who haven’t experienced it may hear the word and just think of someone who is really sad. I know I did. I thought it was just someone who was upset more than other people. I didn’t understand it or know what it was, truth be told I couldn’t comprehend it. Then around two years ago it started creeping in to my brain. I would be sad for long periods of time and happy for others. I thought nothing of it. A lot had happened at that time and I thought it was just personal stuff getting me down. But then the periods kept getting longer, the sadness would get deeper. And at the start of this year it enveloped me.

Just a sad person isn’t an accurate depiction of what depression is. It is vastly more complicated. See, my personal depression is a monster. Now you may laugh at that… But it is. It is a demon holding on to my brain and refusing to let go. It is a creature of the most harmful and destructive nature that will try it’s best to take everything I love. Because it wants that. It wants to harm me and in turn it wants me to harm myself. Suicide is a tragic act that unfortunately so many people commit. It’s not something to judge or be ashamed of them for. They aren’t selfish or doing it to hurt you. They are doing it because in their heads, there is no other option. It’s horrible and I never knew how easy it would be to get that close. I was right on the edge, almost about to do it. I would think about it constantly, every single day, every single hour for eight months straight. I wanted it to end. I couldn’t understand a single aspect of my world and I wanted the noise to be shut off, I wanted the nightmare to be over. It seemed so easy. I could slit my wrists, take an overdose. There were moments when I knew for sure I was going to do it. Knew for sure that that day would be the day. Luckily I was brought out of it each time by a smile or gesture from a loved one. But it still remained. Constantly ripping me apart. The world would be better off I thought. Turns out it wouldn’t because I am awesome. And everyone going through depression is awesome too. In fact we are all fucking awesome and should be told more that we are. Because humans are bright little sparks of energy and love and happiness (I like to think the majority of us are anyway) and we’re simply brilliant.

My admission of depression and an eight month urge to kill myself may seem strange to those who know me… because I am extremely good at hiding it, as most people who go through it are. Truth is, it has changed my life completely. I’m a different man to who I was two years ago. And that is because now my eyes are open. Now that I am slowly becoming myself again (still fighting though, I will most likely always have to keep fighting) I am constantly alert, trying to hold it off and keep it from regaining it’s hold over me. Granted ever since turning eighteen I have been quite aware of myself and how my actions are perceived by others and how I wish to be perceived through said actions. But up until recently I haven’t really had my eyes open fully. Now everything is fresh, new, exciting. I’ve kick started my engine and have been flooded with the emotions I hadn’t felt in a long time. Eight months doesn’t sound so long but trust me, it feels like a lifetime has passed me by without me being able to stop it or even know it was happening. It’s pretty bizarre for me right now. I can imagine this is what (NERD ALERT) The Doctor feels like when he regenerates. I’m not entirely better mind you, but I now realize a lot of good things about myself and the people surrounding me. Life seems more important to me. It seems like a different world that I have woken up in these past few weeks. But we will discuss that in another post..

Last December a series of events lead me to become numb. I lost all hope, all feeling, all faith in what I loved, had and believed in. The one person in my life who I loved and adored totally without doubt became a stranger to me. A shadow fell across my mind and in an instant I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t in control. I was drifting, unable to feel, lost in myself. Trapped. Imprisoned. Unable to care and at the same time unable to think freely. It’s hard to describe the Hell I was in. I couldn’t reach out to anyone and I couldn’t break free by myself. If you imagine when you are sad or in a situation where you are uncomfortable, and you close your eyes and you take yourself to a safe place where you are free of that burden and it elevates you. I didn’t have that. Because the misery was inside my head and as soon as the real world got too much I would close my eyes and my mind would snap to the worst possible solution. END IT. It was my mind attacking itself, hurting itself, destroying itself. And now, every waking hour I must stop myself from slipping in to that place by reminding myself of what I have. Beautiful friends, family and opportunities a lot of people don’t have.

My friends have always been the best part of me. As I said… More about that later.

I have been forced to grow up very quickly over the past four years. I am twenty now, and have experienced a lot in that short amount of time. Not as much as others sure, but we are all different people and in time with this blog I will try and explain some of my adventures and misadventures that have lead me to this point in life. That have lead to me, a twenty year old wannabe writer with big dreams who has just escaped from a prison in his own mind and is trying to start his life again. This is business. I will be using this blog as a platform for my weirdness. It won’t be all about depression, it may be topical, it may be untopical (is that a word? It is now) it will be whatever the fuck I want it to be. As I said I’m a wannabe writer. I have written three books available on Amazon (As Far As My Three Eyes Can See, Oddest Void and Grondledoom) under my pen name Jonathan Todd, so I may throw a few short stories on here just for the helluvit.

Why have I called it my guide to insanity? Because life is insane. None of it really makes sense. Doesn’t mean it’s bad though. Just means that it’s complicated and should never be taken for granted. Hopefully you will see what I mean if you don’t already. Oh and If you know someone who is going through depression or may be depressed. Don’t think of them as weak. Think of them as strong. Because every day is a struggle for them and they need your help now more than ever. If you don’t know what to do then try reading this. It’s pretty accurate.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/koty-neelis/2015/04/13-things-to-remember-when-you-love-a-person-who-has-depression/

PEACE STAR FACES

XOXO

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