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mental health

The Octopus Who Tried to Stay Positive

As always BIG TRIGGER WARNING PEEPS. If you have thoughts of self-harm and suicide please read with caution.

borderline-personality-disorder

What if you can’t stay positive?

What if in times of stress you can’t see the good that is around you?

What if you feel alone even when surrounded by people?

What if those you love, who usually make you the brightest person on the planet, seem so distant that they are basically echoes?

 What if no matter how hard you try to feel something you don’t, and when you do feel it is either deep sadness, overwhelming anxiety, emptiness, loneliness, or all of those feelings combined?

What if you are scared by the above notion that some people do not have a choice in those feelings? That thoughts aren’t the key to solving these problems, because the thoughts themselves cannot be changed. It’s hard to accept never mind understand, but none the less there is no choice provided to you. You have these thoughts and feelings and they are rigid no matter what is said or done.

I’d say I’m a fighter. I’ve been here long enough and gone through enough to know that I am one who will always keep trying. “I’m still here.” has become my comfort and reassurance to people. I’ve battled severe depression and anxiety for a while now and managed to keep myself alive, even with all the suicidal thoughts constantly there for however many years it has been. It’s hard to get a grasp on when things happened in my life with all the medication and mental illness clouding my mind but I think it has been around three years now. I did a rough calculation and found that over the past three years I have been depressed/suicidal for over a thousand days.

A thousand days which is rather daunting. I believe I’m allowed to say that it’s a fucking testament to my strength that I am still here, even though admittedly it has taken its toll on me. I do sometimes feel a bit like the Wolverine of mental health, no lie though. Not to glorify it at all but you know. I’m proud of myself for being here.

wolvey
Big up my fellow nerds xoxo

 Here’s a confession. I haven’t felt joy or whatever happiness is for around a month. I mean the belief that we should all be happy all the time is bullshit anyway and happiness I do believe is more akin to a drug rather than an actual state of being. 100% happy people please do correct me if I’m wrong…

The moment of joy was this brief shining one that lasted for the entirety of one day. Before that I was up and down constantly. Mostly down and even when I was happy, the numb emptiness and suicidal thought track is always in the back of my mind during and then prominent after. That’s the difference between myself and someone without a mental illness. Stability doesn’t exist to me.

I recently got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s kind of a mental illness cocktail with depression anxiety and a whole other bunch of stuff thrown in to the mix.

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/#.WQQmWIjyvIU

and I also have hyper sensitivity and Crohn’s.

FUN! Lol.

I’ve kind of realised through talking about it that I’ve probably always had the disorder in my life. I exhibit most, if not at times all, of the symptoms along with some others that aren’t in that link. Its effected my relationships, my social life in a lot of miniscule and also huge ways. I do and have done things that don’t seem to have reason to even myself and that’s not in the typical ‘twat about whilst you are young’ way either… These were things that really fucked up my life when there was no reason to fuck it up. I worry about everything I do or say or think and how others perceive me and it has gradually worn me down. I am by nature contradictory, one minute I will have one stance the next another. Fundamentally I know I try to be kind however, in terms of personal wants and needs I am very flippant. There are honestly so many symptoms and things my brain goes through all whilst trying to get through day to day life (each day feels like a week) and live as well as possible.

Can you see why it may be hard for me to communicate what is going on with me?

If you have clicked on that link for BPD then you will see the intense emotions that vary throughout the day bit. So, it’s got to the point where I don’t have that anymore really because I am just gone. It was beyond horrible when it was like that and I think my brain had to cope with it by just shutting off all emotion as it has done before. Sounds lucky I know but… I only feel bad things or emptiness now which is a barrel of laughs.

My point of this entire post though is this.

We as a society can sometimes expect those with mental health issues to fix their problems by simply thinking positively. There is a lot of pressure to always be happy, always stay level headed. I was the same before I was around it. Don’t get me wrong positivity helps. Definitely helps. But with my condition, most of the time I cannot think positively. Try to see it as me saying I can’t physically lift something. If you gave me a car and told me to lift it I wouldn’t be able to because I am a skinny little shit.

“I can’t mentally do it” should be a new saying.

Again just because someone can’t mentally do something it doesn’t mean they aren’t trying. It doesn’t mean they have given up. You have to give people credit for trying right?

shrug
Right?

 Me being positive is not self-harming, me being positive is not giving in to the suicidal thoughts, me being positive is identifying what is real and what isn’t. Are they talking about me? Are they thinking I’m a piece of shit? Did I offend that person? Do I have feelings for that person who I’ve already established I don’t have feelings for ect ect ect ect on a daily basis. A daily fucking basis haha.

You’ve got to laugh or you’ll cry for real.

Here’s the thing I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, I literally just want you to understand. I just want to be understood because a lot of the time I can’t be understood. I’m lucky enough that people around me always try to understand. I know though that there are others who aren’t in that situation. I guess this next bit is for famiies or friendship groups who have a loved one that’s struggling to deal with shit.

Please try to understand that sometimes there isn’t a choice and sometimes there isn’t really a thing that can make it better with some people. That doesn’t mean don’t try to make it better it just means maybe listen instead. You’ll never know how far just listening and hugging or smiling and saying you are there can do for someone. Tell them it will get better though they can’t see it but understand that they cannot see it. Just try not to put pressure on that person to think positive to change their mental illness.

“You’ve just got to stay positive.” Is not something that can always help. Try and judge the situation. Believe me I know how hard it is because I’ve been around people suffering from mental health issues since I was sixteen and I didn’t know how to handle it at first. If you say that to someone close to you then watch their reaction. The little sideways glance as they think ‘but I can’t mentally do that, there’s a block’. The silence because they feel pressured to not let you know that they can’t think positive, no matter how hard they try they just can’t see the other side, even though it very much exists.

Its very easy for us to feel like we are wrong or broken because of these thoughts.

You may not understand and that is fair enough because honestly, we don’t fully either. Me and a close friend of mine call ourselves octopus’ because we are unstable in every way. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

octo
Look at this fabulous mother fucker tho ❤

Like I said you have to laugh or you’ll cry. When crying takes up most of your time it’s always nice to laugh every now and then.

I just want to be understood. Most people do. I have BPD, I’m a mental Samurai Master, I’m an Octopus and I’m also human just like you.

I have found that it doesn’t take much to try.

Peace peeps, stay safe xoxo

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Stuff

WARNING: MAY CAUSE TRIGGERS FOR PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION/SELF HARM/BULLYING ISSUES. Read with caution please.

This is going to be hard for me to write down but I need to do it because I am almost constantly in danger of myself now. If you are reading this then please excuse any errors in my writing.

It may come as a surprise to some of you but I was bullied from the age of about 8 to 16.

8 was when I sort of remember it starting and 16 was when I met my first girlfriend (and now one of my best friends) who in a way saved me from it.

Every single part of my physical appearance was repeatedly criticized and broken down in excruciating detail. Im talking my clothes, my hair, my nose, my eyes, my teeth, my skin colour, my body even my voice- everything was mocked on what id say was an almost daily basis whilst I was at school. And thats not to mention my personality which was completely deconstructed and torn apart repeatedly over those formative years. My love of comics and games, my sensitivity, my base nature was just beaten again and again and again until I learnt to hide it. It wasnt all of those things every day but I remember it being at least one thing that I was criticized for daily by different people. I had no one to tell me It was wrong so quickly i accepted it for who i was. I couldnt talk to my family because i was scared and by the time i befriended people my age who couldve gotten me out of it (as i said i didnt get out until i met my first girlfriend) it was too late and I hid my suffering from them too. It was rare that I got through a day unscathed without feeling self concious and I dreaded going to school or out with people. Granted it wasnt all terrible and I had some good times, but good times dont scar you like bad times do they.

 It didnt go away though after I changed who I am, no. See even after Id morphed in to a different person, warped my personality and buried it, becoming a loud mouthed popular twat in the process to try and make people like me, it still happened. Constantly. I got put down so much and so often that I now have a heap of mental and physical issues. Crohns can develop through great stress and this bullying amongst other things contributed. So I have that to deal with too.

 I was pretty popular in school and amongst the shit bags I did have a couple of amazing friends who I am still lucky enough to be best friends with today. I got popular because I could make people laugh. But secretly I was being put down by a sociopath who was supposed to be my best friend, who would join in whenever others laughed at me and would threaten me with his friendship if I didnt do what he said. Looking back I should have told him to do one but I thought I was worthless what else was I going to do.
Yano what the worst thing was? People calling me stupid, ugly and a freak that would never get a girlfriend became my beliefs. Ive hated myself, not believed in what I could do since I was 11. And i remember so many moments in crisp detail when someone said these things to me. When its drilled so long in to you that you are nothing you become nothing and you block out the positive people’s compliments and thoughts on you. You become a shell that you fill up with other peoples emotions and responses to distract you from the sadness. 

Its like this horrible poison inside of me that slows me down. There is a voice in my head that constantly hurts me and it isnt mine, it belongs to them. It belongs to those ten or twelve people who broke me slowly over the years. I think what is worst is that it was normal to me because a few of those people were supposed to be my best friends… 

I can imagine a lot of those “friends” would put it down to “banter” yeah. But see I have new best friends now who can joke around and have “banter” whilst adoring every part of me and what makes me who I am. Im lucky to say my old nerdy personality shines through now and they love me for it (the three or four friends i still have from school love me for it too and did back then but theyve only mainly seen it over the last three years due to me hiding it). They have never criticized a thing about me and they would do anything for me and I them. My old friends or friend rather would have spit on me if it would make someone outside of our group laugh. Since leaving school and getting away from these people Ive become kinder, smarter, more tolerant, more understanding, more my own person despite the many problems I have and the fact that i struggle to believe any of those things i just said i was if it wasnt for the many people around me who reinforce it every day to try and help me.

 But still that voice I mentioned halts me from accepting love because I dont love myself. I cut myself because of my depression. My depression is caused by lots of things and this voice does not help it one bit. It stops me from enjoying the now because my thoughts are constantly plagued by the past.

 It makes me have breakdown after breakdown every day whether its internal or ones people see. I need to kind of talk about this now because I dont know how else to deal with it anymore. I need to write this down so that its there and so that I can clarify it happened. At some point every day I want to kill myself and it has been like this for the past 2 years (im on a lot of medication, strong anti depressants included, so my time line is completely fucked due to memory fog) I think with very brief moments of joyous clear mindedness. There are multiple reasons for my suicidal thoughts, reasons caused by actual events and the ones created by the false reality that depression forms… however, one of things that tortures me most is that I was bullied. And it feels weird saying that because I dont talk about it and most people didnt see it because I wore one hell of a confident mask in school and even now most days at work. It was only a few months ago that I accepted it was actually bullying that happened to me. I used to just say i got treated like shit but no. I was bullied. And recently it has overwhelmed me and it hurts so fucking much. I am exhausted. I am tired and angry and sick of having it in my system. I torture myself on every little thing about me. It goes beyond anxiety it is self hatred in its purest form, so strong that I cant sleep, that I have to force myself to not cut my arms again every night, that I feel like dying at some point every day, that I cant take even the slightest hint of aggression towards me without freezing up and mentally breaking down. I see a counsellor every week and i cant let it go. It just wont get out no matter what i do.

But I keep going because of the people I have now and my hopes for my creative future.

A few months ago the main culprit for my self torture messaged me and asked me to tell him why I had blocked him on most forms of social media except the one he messaged me on which I had forgot to do. I said why and politely told him i didnt want to talk about it in major detail to which he went on a self pitying explanatiom about how guilty he was and how he shouldnt have done this or that to me. 

Whoopdyfuckingdo.

I was as calm and kind as possible and I told him it wouldnt make a difference but he should let it go and try and move on to find peace as we have all changed since school (including myself). I didnt tell him the effect it had on me because I didnt think he was worthy of hearing it and also I dont want someone else’s self torture on my concience. After he continued with the paragraphs I did however, tell him to apologize to a few people dear to me that he had also upset in the past. Then when he argued saying he couldnt apologize to everyone he decided that he would have the balls to say that I was treating him like a bad person which wasnt very fair of me.

Bless.

I left it at that to stop myself raging at this deluded self righteous piece of human shit and telling him to go kill himself like I should have done given the years of psychogical Hell that has been inflicted upon me by parasites like him. 

And if he is reading this then here’s a message for him.

Fuck you and Im glad you feel guilty you piece of shit. And even though I would probably feel sick inside and want to die if I ever had to have the mispleasure of bumping in to you again, and even with all the horrible shit I have to go through daily I want you to know that the many, many people I have in my life these days are each worth a billion of you. Also a heads up if you see me out with them Id advise not coming near us to try and talk to me because… as soon as I point out who you are, they’ll probably tear you to pieces.

That sounds like im angry or bitter or callous and i honestly try not to be because it doesnt solve anything and neither does demonizing someone… But you try going through it every day without being a bit spiteful. I think all things considered I could be a lot harsher.

A positive is that I am now a good person because I know thats what i am from the love I have and the people who lift me up and show me who I really am inside and outside. The people who have gone through Hell with me and have held me when I have had panic attack after panic attack (and in some cases vice versa). Yeah I might have just done stupid shit in school but you know what, I didnt and still to this day dont insult people because of who they are and how they look. And the rare occasion I did was from that particular “friend’s” pressure/influence and I apologized and beat myself up for it mercilessly. Believe me I know Im not a saint and its no excuse if I ever hurt anyone because at the end of the day my choices are my own even if I was weak and semi forced in to doing the wrong thing. But I have and most likely will never forgive myself for even the slightest mistake I make/have made. 

Maybe I should but I cant because of what has happened to me. Most days the mask is on but cracked deeply and now everyone sees through in to that damaged sad person who feels sick whilst looking in a mirror.

I suppose a point of this would be to be kind. You dont know who you hurt or how much effect you have on people with your words. But in all honesty this doesnt have a point. Because by the time youve finished reading this i will be back fighting off suicide and trying to keep pushing through. These words dont do what I go through justice in even the slightest way. Im not looking for pity or sympathy I just needed to write this down because Im tired. Which again is an understatement.

Dying Bravely: Episode One

06:05 AM
Tuesday, 05/05/16

Jacob Thorne

Weary crusted red eyes. They were always so heavy on him. The idea of moving from the bed which kept him warm lead Jacob to thoughts of suicide and then to the comforting arms of sleep again. He awoke ten minutes later and decided he could continue through the day if only he willed himself to do so. Clawing his way out of the double bed like a mole out of the Earth, Jacob stumbled as he got to his feet and checked himself over in the body length mirror by his bedroom door.

‘You look like shit today.’ He thought to himself before remembering that, to him he looked like shit on a daily basis.

Breakfast went down better than it had done the previous day. Toast and a cup of black coffee. Not that the caffeine did anything for Jacob other than give him gentle palpatations and increase his ever present anxiety. There was movement outside of the house he now owned by himself. Jacob’s neighbour Peter going to work.

Peter was twice Jacob’s age and pleasant enough however, Jacob being a twenty six year old manic depressive who’s only friend was a self absorbed, over weight Ginger Moggie named Arthur was not really the type of person who wanted to have ‘small talk’ with anyone. Especially people who seemed to be overly happy with life as it was.

Arthur was sat by the sofa licking his fluffy paws, minding his own business as Jacob passed by him through the living room to the stairs.

“Some people have it so easy you fat bastard.” Jacob grunted to which Arthur popped his head up for a brief second before returning to the soaking of his paws in syliva.

Upstairs, the shower soaked Jacob’s almost anorexic, skeletal body, relaxing his muscles and causing his eyes to close from the comfort. For this brief moment every morning he thought of bliss and peace before returning to the mundane nature of his existance in the world. He knew he spent too much time in the shower. At this point though he just didn’t care.

‘Its half seven in the morning though and its time to stop procrastinating and get ready… You could always just phone in sick, its not like they could disprove it-‘

Jacob heard a strange sound that distracted him from his thought process. It was a plane engine of some kind but extremely low down. It must have been flying over the houses given how loud it was getting. Jacob’s bathroom window was creaked open and he could hear feignt screams coming from people outside in their gardens and on the streets.

Suddenly Jacob felt his entire house shudder and begin to rattle. The distant sound of cheap plates, mugs and bowls smashing over the tiles downstairs were followed by the various washing items falling off of their shelves and scattering over the bathroom floor. Arthur screeched and bounded up the strairs in to Jacob’s wardrobe as the cat often did when he was scared. Afraid of slipping and cracking his neck, Jacob quickly sat down in the bath before reaching up and turning off the shower. The shaking continued and the deafening engine growl came hurtling over head. Jacob darted over to the window, and peered out.

A few streets away the source of the noise, a huge black military cargo plane was heading for a collision. On the plane’s left side Jacob could see one of the wings burning wildly as it descended.

“Fuck me.” Jacob uttered in shock as he realized what was about to happen. He lived near the centre of town and his bathroom window had a good view of the surrounding houses, alleys and shops. The plane was on course to crash about half a mile away in to the main shopping district.

And it was going to hit any second.

Jacob saw the plane go in to the ground taking out at least a dozen houses as it slid across the ground and then…

Everything went quiet in a flash of bright light that caused Jacob to put his forearm in front of his eyes. Then out of the light came a blast wave that thundered with an explosive roar almost shattering Jacob’s ear drums. He fell back in to the bathtub as the windows to the house nearly gave in and smashed.

Jacob didn’t hear much other than screams and wails. He got out of the tub and looked out the bathroom window to see a gigantic plume of charcoal grey smoke rising from the center of town. The smoke was turning the blue sky in to darkness as it spread slowly over the area. Another explosion, although much smaller lit up a building sending debris across the horizon.

“Oh my God…” Jacob managed to stutter before rushing in to his bedroom and grabbing some clothes and neccesities. Arthur was still shaking in the wardrobe and Jacob gave the pet a quick moment of comfort before running out in to the street, his short cropped hair still drenched. There were no sirens in the distance. Just horrified residents stepping out of their doors to see what had happened. Trying to fathom out the reality of such a terrible thing happening. “So many people dead…” one woman across from Jacob cried. Many of them were complaining about the phone lines and mobile services being disabled. Jacob checked his smart phone and realized his too was unable to make calls.

Mental Health Awareness Week

I will try to keep this short but sweet.

It is mental health awareness week and i just wanted to put some words out. I havent done a blog post about my issues since Feb as i haven’t really known what to say. Not that there haven’t been issues to talk about. There has been a lot going on that i could have written about on here. However, sometimes you can say all you have to say on a subject, even if it is one very personal to you that effects not only yourself but many of your loved ones too.

Why this week is important though is because it shows the world is getting more open minded. The fact that a week is dedicated to spreading awareness of mental health issues is a sign of the times. And also a sign of hope.

I originally had a few more paragraphs written here that i deleted. In them i criticized the people who still believe that mental health problems are made up. It was quite agressive but then i realized that to me this week isnt really about anger at ignorance. To me this week is about helping those in silence and letting them know they arent alone.

Some may wonder why those words “you are not alone” are said so much on these kinds of things. Its because mental health problems create a very lonely existance for the person suffering from them. And a constant reminder of people not being alone never hurt.

So try and be kind and open minded. It doesnt take much to be compassionate or demonstrate tolerance and understanding. If someone you know is going through something then be respectful and remember that they  have no control over it and believe me they wish they did.

Like think about it this way, you wouldnt get mad at someone for getting a sickness bug or a cold, would you? You wouldnt say “just be positive or just dont think about it and you wont have to deal with it anymore”. So why get mad and say that to someone who goes through things far worst in their head on their own every day that they have no control over.

This week to me is about love and care. The two things that make humans human. So just love and care. Its not that hard.

Stay safe people. Keep fighting. You are the strongest people in this world no matter what you think or are told. I know its hard but you can do this 🙂

image

Xoxo

The Castle In The Wilds

This story is old.

On the first day…

A human, seemingly fragile and insignificant found itself entering a lonely castle in the wilds far from home. The human knew not how it had ended up in the windowless, shadow soaked, towering mass of stone and twisting maze like corridors, just that it could not find an exit no matter how thorough it had searched.

After a few hours the castle became less unfriendly to the human. The grey walls and rigid structure quickly began to feel like home as with any prison. Humans make do, adjust to your surroundings or they will kill you.

It wasnt pleasant, no but there was no concievable way out. Even though the day had been cold and confusing the human settled. Uneasily it settled.

On the second day…

After wandering the hallways of the castle for some time, the human found an ordinary window located in the highest tower and to the human’s knowledge, the window was the only one of its kind. The glass appeared to have been broken in but the human hadnt found any other of it’s kin in the castle who could have done that. Just the human on its own.

The human took a peek out in to the darkened wilds which seemed mysteriously more harsh and cruel than before especially in the deep blinding night. The human also realised at this point that it had lost track of time. The past two days had drifted away.

The human decided that it would come back on the next day at an earlier time. Perhaps then there would be a visible way out when the sun had risen over the horizon.

On the third day…

The human woke in a cramped rusty iron bed. The human didnt remember finding the bed or sleeping in it but it knew somehow that it had been uncomfortable and felt exhausted. Exhausted and alone. As the human went to get out of bed it jerked backwards, seeing glass shards covering the floor. The glass had no mouths but could talk eloquently and asked the human questions about it’s life. The human tried to respond but the jagged blades seemed to draw it in. The way they glistened without light was alluring. There was never any light in the castle, not a single beam of sunlight-

Sunlight!

The glass shards seemed to disapear at the human’s sudden desperate urge to rush out of the room and find the window. Sprinting faster than it had ever done before the human found itself in the tower moments later out of breath and panting heavily. Yet the human’s heart sank further… The sun was hidden away behind a sheet of black spotted clouds that matched the colour of the castle stone. The human looked down to the wilds only to see they had grown twice the size since it last saw them and that rain from above was now drenching them. The wilds seemed to stretch on for an eternity.

The human shrank back through the castle back towards the bedroom. As it did so it passed a peculiar looking wooden box in one of the wings. The box was finely polished and had a large hole about the same shape of the human’s arm in it. The human couldnt help but place it’s arm deep within the box, it felt natural. The human however, instantly regretted it’s decision as the box tightened its grip and seared a brand in to the human’s flesh. The human quickly ripped it’s arm from the device which vanished in the blink of an eye. The brand was a small circle on the forearm that was still smoking from the burn. The human gripped it in agony and continued on to bed.

On the fourth day…

The human woke to find the glass in it’s bed. The sheets were soaked in blood.

The human hurt all over especially on it’s brand. Alone and exhausted it curled in to a ball and found tears seeping in with the red on the pillow. It hurt.

The human didnt go back to the window that day. It stayed still and pondered letting the oily glass stay in the room with it. It pondered a lot of things that day.

Time drifted away.

On the fifth and final day…

The human, for reasons unknown to itself, was stood near the bedroom wall that was closest to the wilds. It felt a breeze coming through one of the large stone bricks that whistled lightly. It was a warm breeze and strangely familiar to the human. The human ignored the breeze though and thought of laying with the glass. The glass had hurt it though. The human cleaned the bed, neatly wrapping the glass in the bloodied sheets and placing them in the corner of the room. After it was satisfied the human put its ear to the crack in the wall.

There were two whispers on the wind.

One gentle.

Get out.

One cruel.

You cant.

The human heard a hideous screeching and banging coming from the locked bedroom door that sent a chill down it’s spine. Frightened the human darted it’s eyes over to the bundle of glass and sheets dripping with blood.

The shrieking got louder. The whispers got stronger.

The human fell to it’s knees and wept silently.

There appeared to be no end to the madness. The unholy castle bearing down upon the fragile human’s mind like the weight of a mountain.

The human wept and cackled deeply. No way out. No way home. Madness.

                                   
                                          …

Then like a miracle the walls of the castle shook violently, crumbling one by one to dust and ruin. The human fell with the rubble, terrified for it’s life. Luckily it landed in the wilds where it got to it’s feet, looking wildly for what had caused the castle to fall apart. The human searched the remains yet the fog had already soaked them leaving any sign of an answer long buried in the heaping mass.

The human turned to the wilds that were being illuminated by a slow sun rise. It stroked it’s brand and saw to it’s surprise and joy a search party of it’s kin emmerging from the bushes nearest to it. The human hugged them and told them all of the castle and it’s experience there. Bewildered yet also happy to see their friend, the other humans took our human arm in arm and lead it back home. As the human got to the exit of the wilds it let it’s brethren go forth a short while and turned back to where the castle had been. It was there once more. Rebuilt standing tall in the clearing of the wilds many miles away. The human traced it’s fingers over the brand and lowered it’s head.

Feeling uneasier than it ever had before, the human turned it’s back on the castle and ran to it’s kin.

Yet the castle once again loomed and stood tall against the sun rise.

This story is old.

2015 Was A Bag Of Dicks

Hellooo

I literally had the worst christmas day and week of my life. And yesterday it culminated in me being lower than i have ever been before. Ive never been so lost. For those who read my blogs youll know that each time my brain attacks me it gets stronger and stronger. That was literally the hardest ive ever had to fight in my life, and looking back on yesterday i cant believe how close i got to the edge. And you know, if it wasnt for a few select people in my life i wouldnt be here right now. I have the bestest friends in the world and i am the luckiest person to have them.

There’s a quote by aristotle that i learnt from reading Batman comics lol. It’s “what is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies”. Its true when you think about it. I dont often take on best friends that i love this deeply. Its hard for me to completely connect with people around me because i dont want to expose them to this. I have best friends but there are people in my life (as in everyones life) who i trust completely and will always open up to because i connect with them beyond friendship. I gained two more last night. I consider them blood, more like soulmates.

I dont usually end up at that point where i need saving. Its rare because i can usually fight it off on my own. So it has left me shaken and worried for what happens next time. I almost did it. Now theres a difference between almost ending it and thinking about ending it. Both are horrible. But almost ending it is where you have nothing left of you anymore. Its just the black poison in you at the wheel. It wasnt me in control so i am very worried. It was scary. The other me had its hand around my brain and wouldnt let go. Dunno what happened to get me out of it whether it was me breaking through a wall from exhaustion or just the help i had. But the thought of those friends makes me stronger. It lifts me up.

When you are from a dysfunctional home and you have physical and mental issues and not to mention those cheeky regrets, life can be very difficult at christmas time. It can be pressured on people to be happy just because its a season for people with no bullshit to be happy. I usually am happy on christmas. Usually… but not gonna lie this year has made the Grinch (at the beginning of the film) my idol.

Its been a wank year. And sticking with the Grinch analogy i still havent found my Whoville to bring me out of this slump. But ive got two families who love me. The one i was born with and the one ive chosen. Both might have their problems but both are what i have to live for. As a person with no self worth, who loathes himself entirely, its easy for me to fall in to the pit. But ive got people who build me up and keep me safe and warm and strong. Im not entirely free and, still shaking, its baby steps until ive recovered. And ill have to watch out for the other me sneaking up on me like this again, the absolute bastard… Baby steps!

I wanna thank some people for being here for me and in no particular order;

My mum, my brother Chris and my cousin Megan (birth family obviously)

And my chosen family;

Nathan
Jade
Laura
Sophie
Jorde
Josh
Rob
And introducing Kym and Cat.

I love you all to the moon and back.

All my other best friends know what they mean to me too and i love you guys more than i can say, its just the above have been the ones to save me on a regular basis cos theyve been exposed to it more unfortunately for them haha.

Point is its been horrible. Next year is probably going to be bizzarre and shit and probably more of the same nonsense. But a lot of chess pieces are moving about, and for the first time im actually kinda sorta excited. None of this new year new me bullshit, nah im gonna be the same messed up freak ive been for a while. But i feel like some things are just beginning to start and are going to grow in to hopefully better things.

You can always have hope.

We never know how a year is going to turn out until we get to the end of it. I can safely look back at this year and say  that was a bag of fucking shit and im glad to be rid of it. Cant even express how shit its been, probably the toughest year of my life. Ive self harmed, nearly ended it a dozen times.

But i have those special few to hold on to because they build me up. If anything will get me through 2016 its the same thing that got me through 2015. My family and my friends.

Stay strong and keep safe people. If youre in the same position as me, remember that reaching out for help is the best thing you can do. If you dont have a support network then find one, there is always someone and somewhere you can go that is not a grave. Theres always hope. That person telling you to die isnt you. Its a disease that you can beat and that you will beat because youre a strong lil bastard even if i dont know you. Trust famalams. Im weak as shit and if i can do this then so can you.

Have a lovely new year

Xoxo

Tired Boy

Warning: may cause triggers so please dont read if you have self harmed before and are at risk of doing it again.

It gets harder and harder to talk about you know. I wish i was normal. I wish i could keep this up. I wish it didnt hurt every day. I wish i had the energy or the will to do this blog weekly but i just dont. Dont want to bore you, dont feel like whoever you are wants to read it. I get fucking bored of having to listen to this thought train every single day so i cant imagine what a weekly blog would look like. Fuck that. And as far as short stories go, lets put a hold on that too. Well’s run dry for now im afraid. Maybe some day, maybe not.

I mean to get myself through every day is a struggle that the adults didnt warn me about when i was younger… Cos im running on empty, stuck between the want to give up and the want to stay. I dont have it in me to end it physically but mentally ive done it so many times. That constant battle can tire someone. Besides its not like ive just hurt myself mentally. I cut myself and it wasnt the best idea… Hurt. But in all honesty it didnt hurt as much as i wanted it to. I wanted to feel something, i wanted to feel like i wasnt here. Like it was something different happening to me. Like it was a way out. It wasnt. It never is i guess.

“The hardest thing about this world is living in it”. Lovely.

It happened about two months ago now i guess, and the scars are still there. It itches sometimes too, especially when i think about it. Maybe thats just a mental thing i dunno. Dont ask me why i did it. It just happened. One minute i was miserable the next i was bleeding. Didnt cry didnt speak. I just let it happen. That night i revealed all to my best friends. They were there for me as they are and i havent done it since. But i cant shake something. I mean this fall started after my climb. I was doing so well when i started this blog and then…  I was not even at square one i was somewhere (still am somewhere) deeper than ive ever been before. And for all this time ive not been able to shake the feeling that it would be better if i could of just carried on not feeling anything. Cos feeling hurts. Hurts more than any physical pain could. Hurts so much i want to cry all the time but just cant seem to get the tears out. Yeah that heart mind and gut all churning and ripping themselves apart.

It hurts so much.

I dont understand how people do this. Get through it. Fight. Id rather just be a blank slate, not feeling at all and getting on with my life. Another drone. Either that or dead. Think maybe i was cursed with being too involved too emotional. Guess im like a broken toy in that way. Wind me up and watch me fall over.

Mind you sometimes broken toys can be the funnest ones. Unpredictable especially when they fall apart on you without you expecting. Least its interesting and not the same old.

Point of this post is that my future on here is unclear. Its a dark one. A real dark one im talking voldemort attacking Hogwartz dark yo. But i think i have enough to support me i just dont think ive got enough of me to support this. So thank you for all your kind words about my blog. It was nice whilst it lasted. I guess i cant connect with you right now which sucks and burns me cos i really love hearing feedback and having people comment on my posts. It means the world to me how many of you have done.

I may come back to it when i get some things sorted in December or later this month but we will have to see.  Depends on whether i have anything positive to say because right now im no help to anyone, i just dont care about life so how can i tell other people to, yano? So for now im going. If i helped anyone in this brief time then thats more than i could have hoped for.

Bye for now, please try to stay stronger and braver than i am and thank you

Xoxo

FUCK OFF DEPRESSION YOU BASTARD

SUP GEEZERS

Oops.
What?
Went and slipped and fell in to the hole again, didnt you? Deeper than ever this time twat face why did you let that happen?!
Dunno. Kinda just… happened.
What did you do?
Some stupid shit.
Like what?
Dont wanna say.
All you do do is stupid shit when youre down here you fucking numpty.
Yeah.
Does this help?
What?
Writing about it?
No. Nothing does. Just something to do thats not laying in bed at stupid oclock and thinking about it yano?
Yeah but youre writing this at stupid oclock.
Oh yeah. Thats cos the hole keeps me awake.
Thats what he said… AHEM. You havent done one of these in a while.
Thats cos i dont know what to say. I was doing well now im not. Dont want to bore people.
You want to end it again yes?
Yes.
And whats stopping you?
Not sure. Something is.
Maybe you have to find it.
I dont have the energy. Cant sleep. Cant think straight. Everything is spiraling. I dont even care anymore.
What helped you last time?
Not sure. Dont even remember. All i know is this time is worst.
Ah.
Yes. Ah.
Okay so what do we do?
Wait it out. Itll go away eventually…
Ah right.
Hmmm.
What?
Well… it comes back stronger each time. I did something stupid this time. Im worried that ill go through with the big finale next time.
Maybe.
Nah. Be rate. Sure itll all be fine. I swear to God though, if the hole makes me miss Avengers Infinity War i will kick the fuck off.

PEACE JEDI KNIGHTS
XOXO

FRESH FACED

HELLO FREAKS AND GEEKS

Before I get down to business, we should talk, me and you. It’s going to get personal, pretty raw and probably a bit soppy. So brace yourselves.

This may upset some people. But it’s the truth. And the truth isn’t told enough these days.

Up until a month ago, I wanted to end my life. And I had wanted that since the start of this year.

A little back story is needed. For about two years I have been battling crippling depression, an anxiety disorder, Crohn’s disease, alpha thalassemia, an iron deficiency and everything that comes swinging alongside those problems. Google them if you don’t know what they are. (Here’s a spoiler- They’re all pretty fucking terrible). That doesn’t mean I have been distraught and incapacitated all of that time. It just means it has effected and still does effect me.

Let’s focus on the depression for the time being though. Because depression recently took complete control over my life and is a wide spectrum that effects who suffers from it in different ways. Those who haven’t experienced it may hear the word and just think of someone who is really sad. I know I did. I thought it was just someone who was upset more than other people. I didn’t understand it or know what it was, truth be told I couldn’t comprehend it. Then around two years ago it started creeping in to my brain. I would be sad for long periods of time and happy for others. I thought nothing of it. A lot had happened at that time and I thought it was just personal stuff getting me down. But then the periods kept getting longer, the sadness would get deeper. And at the start of this year it enveloped me.

Just a sad person isn’t an accurate depiction of what depression is. It is vastly more complicated. See, my personal depression is a monster. Now you may laugh at that… But it is. It is a demon holding on to my brain and refusing to let go. It is a creature of the most harmful and destructive nature that will try it’s best to take everything I love. Because it wants that. It wants to harm me and in turn it wants me to harm myself. Suicide is a tragic act that unfortunately so many people commit. It’s not something to judge or be ashamed of them for. They aren’t selfish or doing it to hurt you. They are doing it because in their heads, there is no other option. It’s horrible and I never knew how easy it would be to get that close. I was right on the edge, almost about to do it. I would think about it constantly, every single day, every single hour for eight months straight. I wanted it to end. I couldn’t understand a single aspect of my world and I wanted the noise to be shut off, I wanted the nightmare to be over. It seemed so easy. I could slit my wrists, take an overdose. There were moments when I knew for sure I was going to do it. Knew for sure that that day would be the day. Luckily I was brought out of it each time by a smile or gesture from a loved one. But it still remained. Constantly ripping me apart. The world would be better off I thought. Turns out it wouldn’t because I am awesome. And everyone going through depression is awesome too. In fact we are all fucking awesome and should be told more that we are. Because humans are bright little sparks of energy and love and happiness (I like to think the majority of us are anyway) and we’re simply brilliant.

My admission of depression and an eight month urge to kill myself may seem strange to those who know me… because I am extremely good at hiding it, as most people who go through it are. Truth is, it has changed my life completely. I’m a different man to who I was two years ago. And that is because now my eyes are open. Now that I am slowly becoming myself again (still fighting though, I will most likely always have to keep fighting) I am constantly alert, trying to hold it off and keep it from regaining it’s hold over me. Granted ever since turning eighteen I have been quite aware of myself and how my actions are perceived by others and how I wish to be perceived through said actions. But up until recently I haven’t really had my eyes open fully. Now everything is fresh, new, exciting. I’ve kick started my engine and have been flooded with the emotions I hadn’t felt in a long time. Eight months doesn’t sound so long but trust me, it feels like a lifetime has passed me by without me being able to stop it or even know it was happening. It’s pretty bizarre for me right now. I can imagine this is what (NERD ALERT) The Doctor feels like when he regenerates. I’m not entirely better mind you, but I now realize a lot of good things about myself and the people surrounding me. Life seems more important to me. It seems like a different world that I have woken up in these past few weeks. But we will discuss that in another post..

Last December a series of events lead me to become numb. I lost all hope, all feeling, all faith in what I loved, had and believed in. The one person in my life who I loved and adored totally without doubt became a stranger to me. A shadow fell across my mind and in an instant I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t in control. I was drifting, unable to feel, lost in myself. Trapped. Imprisoned. Unable to care and at the same time unable to think freely. It’s hard to describe the Hell I was in. I couldn’t reach out to anyone and I couldn’t break free by myself. If you imagine when you are sad or in a situation where you are uncomfortable, and you close your eyes and you take yourself to a safe place where you are free of that burden and it elevates you. I didn’t have that. Because the misery was inside my head and as soon as the real world got too much I would close my eyes and my mind would snap to the worst possible solution. END IT. It was my mind attacking itself, hurting itself, destroying itself. And now, every waking hour I must stop myself from slipping in to that place by reminding myself of what I have. Beautiful friends, family and opportunities a lot of people don’t have.

My friends have always been the best part of me. As I said… More about that later.

I have been forced to grow up very quickly over the past four years. I am twenty now, and have experienced a lot in that short amount of time. Not as much as others sure, but we are all different people and in time with this blog I will try and explain some of my adventures and misadventures that have lead me to this point in life. That have lead to me, a twenty year old wannabe writer with big dreams who has just escaped from a prison in his own mind and is trying to start his life again. This is business. I will be using this blog as a platform for my weirdness. It won’t be all about depression, it may be topical, it may be untopical (is that a word? It is now) it will be whatever the fuck I want it to be. As I said I’m a wannabe writer. I have written three books available on Amazon (As Far As My Three Eyes Can See, Oddest Void and Grondledoom) under my pen name Jonathan Todd, so I may throw a few short stories on here just for the helluvit.

Why have I called it my guide to insanity? Because life is insane. None of it really makes sense. Doesn’t mean it’s bad though. Just means that it’s complicated and should never be taken for granted. Hopefully you will see what I mean if you don’t already. Oh and If you know someone who is going through depression or may be depressed. Don’t think of them as weak. Think of them as strong. Because every day is a struggle for them and they need your help now more than ever. If you don’t know what to do then try reading this. It’s pretty accurate.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/koty-neelis/2015/04/13-things-to-remember-when-you-love-a-person-who-has-depression/

PEACE STAR FACES

XOXO

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