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JB's Guide To Insanity

We Are All Flawed

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REGRETS

2015 Was A Bag Of Dicks

Hellooo

I literally had the worst christmas day and week of my life. And yesterday it culminated in me being lower than i have ever been before. Ive never been so lost. For those who read my blogs youll know that each time my brain attacks me it gets stronger and stronger. That was literally the hardest ive ever had to fight in my life, and looking back on yesterday i cant believe how close i got to the edge. And you know, if it wasnt for a few select people in my life i wouldnt be here right now. I have the bestest friends in the world and i am the luckiest person to have them.

There’s a quote by aristotle that i learnt from reading Batman comics lol. It’s “what is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies”. Its true when you think about it. I dont often take on best friends that i love this deeply. Its hard for me to completely connect with people around me because i dont want to expose them to this. I have best friends but there are people in my life (as in everyones life) who i trust completely and will always open up to because i connect with them beyond friendship. I gained two more last night. I consider them blood, more like soulmates.

I dont usually end up at that point where i need saving. Its rare because i can usually fight it off on my own. So it has left me shaken and worried for what happens next time. I almost did it. Now theres a difference between almost ending it and thinking about ending it. Both are horrible. But almost ending it is where you have nothing left of you anymore. Its just the black poison in you at the wheel. It wasnt me in control so i am very worried. It was scary. The other me had its hand around my brain and wouldnt let go. Dunno what happened to get me out of it whether it was me breaking through a wall from exhaustion or just the help i had. But the thought of those friends makes me stronger. It lifts me up.

When you are from a dysfunctional home and you have physical and mental issues and not to mention those cheeky regrets, life can be very difficult at christmas time. It can be pressured on people to be happy just because its a season for people with no bullshit to be happy. I usually am happy on christmas. Usually… but not gonna lie this year has made the Grinch (at the beginning of the film) my idol.

Its been a wank year. And sticking with the Grinch analogy i still havent found my Whoville to bring me out of this slump. But ive got two families who love me. The one i was born with and the one ive chosen. Both might have their problems but both are what i have to live for. As a person with no self worth, who loathes himself entirely, its easy for me to fall in to the pit. But ive got people who build me up and keep me safe and warm and strong. Im not entirely free and, still shaking, its baby steps until ive recovered. And ill have to watch out for the other me sneaking up on me like this again, the absolute bastard… Baby steps!

I wanna thank some people for being here for me and in no particular order;

My mum, my brother Chris and my cousin Megan (birth family obviously)

And my chosen family;

Nathan
Jade
Laura
Sophie
Jorde
Josh
Rob
And introducing Kym and Cat.

I love you all to the moon and back.

All my other best friends know what they mean to me too and i love you guys more than i can say, its just the above have been the ones to save me on a regular basis cos theyve been exposed to it more unfortunately for them haha.

Point is its been horrible. Next year is probably going to be bizzarre and shit and probably more of the same nonsense. But a lot of chess pieces are moving about, and for the first time im actually kinda sorta excited. None of this new year new me bullshit, nah im gonna be the same messed up freak ive been for a while. But i feel like some things are just beginning to start and are going to grow in to hopefully better things.

You can always have hope.

We never know how a year is going to turn out until we get to the end of it. I can safely look back at this year and say  that was a bag of fucking shit and im glad to be rid of it. Cant even express how shit its been, probably the toughest year of my life. Ive self harmed, nearly ended it a dozen times.

But i have those special few to hold on to because they build me up. If anything will get me through 2016 its the same thing that got me through 2015. My family and my friends.

Stay strong and keep safe people. If youre in the same position as me, remember that reaching out for help is the best thing you can do. If you dont have a support network then find one, there is always someone and somewhere you can go that is not a grave. Theres always hope. That person telling you to die isnt you. Its a disease that you can beat and that you will beat because youre a strong lil bastard even if i dont know you. Trust famalams. Im weak as shit and if i can do this then so can you.

Have a lovely new year

Xoxo

LIVING WITH YOURSELF

COME IN BANANAS

Mistakes mistakes mistakes. Weird word when you say it out loud over and over. And regrets! Regrets are the thoughts and feelings usually associated with mistakes, yes? You meet a thing called Mistake and you hate it but not that much. It’s something you can deal with right? But you hang around with Mistake too much and then it’s mate, Regret turns up and that twat is even worst than Mistake! It is an A class piece of shite. Regret eats you up… Churns you out. Then before you know it it’s Mistake and Regret spinning constantly, trying to make you hate yourself, reminding you of your flaws and failures. They are like that nob head friend or neighbour everyone has who you just cant get rid of. Grim Fandango if you ask me.

Nah best to stay away from that kind of shit. All it leads to is that sick feeling in your stomach. Best to just forget about everything you have done wrong and leave it in the past where it belongs. Pretend you’re a saint and maybe, just maybe everyone else will start believing it too!

Nope.

My best friend made me realize recently that that is not an option. And thank God I have her because otherwise I would be so far up my own arse- PROMISE I WILL DO A BLOG ABOUT MY FRIENDS BECAUSE I AM SO FUCKING LUCKY TO HAVE THEM. Ahem… sorry. Anyway I have found that there’s a pretty drastic difference between dwelling on your mistakes and the second option that I have started to use which is remembering them. You can remember what you have done wrong in life, that is not a bad thing to do. You can remember it and hold it close so that it moulds you to be better. Every fall, every time you hurt someone and couldn’t/wouldn’t say sorry until it was too late, every bit of pain and misery you inflicted that you hate having done in the first place. Just remember it from time to time. Granted regret it for a while. If you don’t acknowledge it as a mistake then you will keep repeating it. But come to terms with it and then remember that feeling of being there, of being so angry with yourself and promise to never let that happen again. We are always changing and moving forward and that’s not a bad thing. If you accept that then you can live in the now.

However, it is important that we remember our past selves so that we don’t get stuck in a cycle. So that we can learn from our errors and try not to repeat them, but also so we can remember the good we have done. Negativity pretty much always out weighs positivity in our minds and the minds of others. It’s easy to forget the good times when things go down hill. Just as long as you don’t see your mistakes as the world ending then I’ve found that it leads to a place of “kinda okay” which is always a start. It is okay to be flawed. It is okay to make a billion different errors. Because that is human nature. And believing ourselves to be perfect and without fault is what gets us all fucked up in the first place. Yeah if you do something bad then feel bad about it, try your best to resolve it and expect bad things to come at you for some time. I mean I don’t think karma is a spiritual thing I think of it as cause and effect. You do something wrong then it’s gonna come back to bite you on the balls eventually.

But don’t let it own you.

I have made many mistakes. And I will make SO many more before I check out. And that’s okay! I cant control what I have done so what’s the point of dwelling on it now and getting myself depressed? When I make mistakes these days I will try to rectify them to the best of my abilities and use it as a base to improve on. We are all different people all the way through our lives. Case and point I used to be a massive dick head… okay okay okay some would say I still am. BUT THE POINT IS now I would like to think I have grown as a person. More accepting of the people around me (as long as they aren’t a massive twat). Still loud mouthed and acting stupid but everyone does really. Deep down i feel better though. Not necessarily a good person but one who is trying.

I am happy with this me. This one kinda knows what he is. He’s a slightly broken human who is trying to be the best he can be. I’ve changed a lot since I was eighteen. For the better. REMEMBER NOT PERFECT. But better than i was at least. I feel so open now and fresh, because I have come to terms with the fact that some things I can’t take back and I can’t fix. Some people I can’t say sorry to because it wouldn’t mean anything to them. And that’s okay. Because I am not perfect. I’m just like everyone else, absolutely gone in the head and trying to make the most out of the shit pie we call a society… Doesn’t stop us from being fabulous though.

PEACE GEEZERS
XOXO

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