I literally had the worst christmas day and week of my life. And yesterday it culminated in me being lower than i have ever been before. Ive never been so lost. For those who read my blogs youll know that each time my brain attacks me it gets stronger and stronger. That was literally the hardest ive ever had to fight in my life, and looking back on yesterday i cant believe how close i got to the edge. And you know, if it wasnt for a few select people in my life i wouldnt be here right now. I have the bestest friends in the world and i am the luckiest person to have them.
There’s a quote by aristotle that i learnt from reading Batman comics lol. It’s “what is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies”. Its true when you think about it. I dont often take on best friends that i love this deeply. Its hard for me to completely connect with people around me because i dont want to expose them to this. I have best friends but there are people in my life (as in everyones life) who i trust completely and will always open up to because i connect with them beyond friendship. I gained two more last night. I consider them blood, more like soulmates.
I dont usually end up at that point where i need saving. Its rare because i can usually fight it off on my own. So it has left me shaken and worried for what happens next time. I almost did it. Now theres a difference between almost ending it and thinking about ending it. Both are horrible. But almost ending it is where you have nothing left of you anymore. Its just the black poison in you at the wheel. It wasnt me in control so i am very worried. It was scary. The other me had its hand around my brain and wouldnt let go. Dunno what happened to get me out of it whether it was me breaking through a wall from exhaustion or just the help i had. But the thought of those friends makes me stronger. It lifts me up.
When you are from a dysfunctional home and you have physical and mental issues and not to mention those cheeky regrets, life can be very difficult at christmas time. It can be pressured on people to be happy just because its a season for people with no bullshit to be happy. I usually am happy on christmas. Usually… but not gonna lie this year has made the Grinch (at the beginning of the film) my idol.
Its been a wank year. And sticking with the Grinch analogy i still havent found my Whoville to bring me out of this slump. But ive got two families who love me. The one i was born with and the one ive chosen. Both might have their problems but both are what i have to live for. As a person with no self worth, who loathes himself entirely, its easy for me to fall in to the pit. But ive got people who build me up and keep me safe and warm and strong. Im not entirely free and, still shaking, its baby steps until ive recovered. And ill have to watch out for the other me sneaking up on me like this again, the absolute bastard… Baby steps!
I wanna thank some people for being here for me and in no particular order;
My mum, my brother Chris and my cousin Megan (birth family obviously)
And my chosen family;
And introducing Kym and Cat.
I love you all to the moon and back.
All my other best friends know what they mean to me too and i love you guys more than i can say, its just the above have been the ones to save me on a regular basis cos theyve been exposed to it more unfortunately for them haha.
Point is its been horrible. Next year is probably going to be bizzarre and shit and probably more of the same nonsense. But a lot of chess pieces are moving about, and for the first time im actually kinda sorta excited. None of this new year new me bullshit, nah im gonna be the same messed up freak ive been for a while. But i feel like some things are just beginning to start and are going to grow in to hopefully better things.
You can always have hope.
We never know how a year is going to turn out until we get to the end of it. I can safely look back at this year and say that was a bag of fucking shit and im glad to be rid of it. Cant even express how shit its been, probably the toughest year of my life. Ive self harmed, nearly ended it a dozen times.
But i have those special few to hold on to because they build me up. If anything will get me through 2016 its the same thing that got me through 2015. My family and my friends.
Stay strong and keep safe people. If youre in the same position as me, remember that reaching out for help is the best thing you can do. If you dont have a support network then find one, there is always someone and somewhere you can go that is not a grave. Theres always hope. That person telling you to die isnt you. Its a disease that you can beat and that you will beat because youre a strong lil bastard even if i dont know you. Trust famalams. Im weak as shit and if i can do this then so can you.
Have a lovely new year