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WARNING: MAY CAUSE TRIGGERS FOR PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION/SELF HARM/BULLYING ISSUES. Read with caution please.

This is going to be hard for me to write down but I need to do it because I am almost constantly in danger of myself now. If you are reading this then please excuse any errors in my writing.

It may come as a surprise to some of you but I was bullied from the age of about 8 to 16.

8 was when I sort of remember it starting and 16 was when I met my first girlfriend (and now one of my best friends) who in a way saved me from it.

Every single part of my physical appearance was repeatedly criticized and broken down in excruciating detail. Im talking my clothes, my hair, my nose, my eyes, my teeth, my skin colour, my body even my voice- everything was mocked on what id say was an almost daily basis whilst I was at school. And thats not to mention my personality which was completely deconstructed and torn apart repeatedly over those formative years. My love of comics and games, my sensitivity, my base nature was just beaten again and again and again until I learnt to hide it. It wasnt all of those things every day but I remember it being at least one thing that I was criticized for daily by different people. I had no one to tell me It was wrong so quickly i accepted it for who i was. I couldnt talk to my family because i was scared and by the time i befriended people my age who couldve gotten me out of it (as i said i didnt get out until i met my first girlfriend) it was too late and I hid my suffering from them too. It was rare that I got through a day unscathed without feeling self concious and I dreaded going to school or out with people. Granted it wasnt all terrible and I had some good times, but good times dont scar you like bad times do they.

 It didnt go away though after I changed who I am, no. See even after Id morphed in to a different person, warped my personality and buried it, becoming a loud mouthed popular twat in the process to try and make people like me, it still happened. Constantly. I got put down so much and so often that I now have a heap of mental and physical issues. Crohns can develop through great stress and this bullying amongst other things contributed. So I have that to deal with too.

 I was pretty popular in school and amongst the shit bags I did have a couple of amazing friends who I am still lucky enough to be best friends with today. I got popular because I could make people laugh. But secretly I was being put down by a sociopath who was supposed to be my best friend, who would join in whenever others laughed at me and would threaten me with his friendship if I didnt do what he said. Looking back I should have told him to do one but I thought I was worthless what else was I going to do.
Yano what the worst thing was? People calling me stupid, ugly and a freak that would never get a girlfriend became my beliefs. Ive hated myself, not believed in what I could do since I was 11. And i remember so many moments in crisp detail when someone said these things to me. When its drilled so long in to you that you are nothing you become nothing and you block out the positive people’s compliments and thoughts on you. You become a shell that you fill up with other peoples emotions and responses to distract you from the sadness. 

Its like this horrible poison inside of me that slows me down. There is a voice in my head that constantly hurts me and it isnt mine, it belongs to them. It belongs to those ten or twelve people who broke me slowly over the years. I think what is worst is that it was normal to me because a few of those people were supposed to be my best friends… 

I can imagine a lot of those “friends” would put it down to “banter” yeah. But see I have new best friends now who can joke around and have “banter” whilst adoring every part of me and what makes me who I am. Im lucky to say my old nerdy personality shines through now and they love me for it (the three or four friends i still have from school love me for it too and did back then but theyve only mainly seen it over the last three years due to me hiding it). They have never criticized a thing about me and they would do anything for me and I them. My old friends or friend rather would have spit on me if it would make someone outside of our group laugh. Since leaving school and getting away from these people Ive become kinder, smarter, more tolerant, more understanding, more my own person despite the many problems I have and the fact that i struggle to believe any of those things i just said i was if it wasnt for the many people around me who reinforce it every day to try and help me.

 But still that voice I mentioned halts me from accepting love because I dont love myself. I cut myself because of my depression. My depression is caused by lots of things and this voice does not help it one bit. It stops me from enjoying the now because my thoughts are constantly plagued by the past.

 It makes me have breakdown after breakdown every day whether its internal or ones people see. I need to kind of talk about this now because I dont know how else to deal with it anymore. I need to write this down so that its there and so that I can clarify it happened. At some point every day I want to kill myself and it has been like this for the past 2 years (im on a lot of medication, strong anti depressants included, so my time line is completely fucked due to memory fog) I think with very brief moments of joyous clear mindedness. There are multiple reasons for my suicidal thoughts, reasons caused by actual events and the ones created by the false reality that depression forms… however, one of things that tortures me most is that I was bullied. And it feels weird saying that because I dont talk about it and most people didnt see it because I wore one hell of a confident mask in school and even now most days at work. It was only a few months ago that I accepted it was actually bullying that happened to me. I used to just say i got treated like shit but no. I was bullied. And recently it has overwhelmed me and it hurts so fucking much. I am exhausted. I am tired and angry and sick of having it in my system. I torture myself on every little thing about me. It goes beyond anxiety it is self hatred in its purest form, so strong that I cant sleep, that I have to force myself to not cut my arms again every night, that I feel like dying at some point every day, that I cant take even the slightest hint of aggression towards me without freezing up and mentally breaking down. I see a counsellor every week and i cant let it go. It just wont get out no matter what i do.

But I keep going because of the people I have now and my hopes for my creative future.

A few months ago the main culprit for my self torture messaged me and asked me to tell him why I had blocked him on most forms of social media except the one he messaged me on which I had forgot to do. I said why and politely told him i didnt want to talk about it in major detail to which he went on a self pitying explanatiom about how guilty he was and how he shouldnt have done this or that to me. 

Whoopdyfuckingdo.

I was as calm and kind as possible and I told him it wouldnt make a difference but he should let it go and try and move on to find peace as we have all changed since school (including myself). I didnt tell him the effect it had on me because I didnt think he was worthy of hearing it and also I dont want someone else’s self torture on my concience. After he continued with the paragraphs I did however, tell him to apologize to a few people dear to me that he had also upset in the past. Then when he argued saying he couldnt apologize to everyone he decided that he would have the balls to say that I was treating him like a bad person which wasnt very fair of me.

Bless.

I left it at that to stop myself raging at this deluded self righteous piece of human shit and telling him to go kill himself like I should have done given the years of psychogical Hell that has been inflicted upon me by parasites like him. 

And if he is reading this then here’s a message for him.

Fuck you and Im glad you feel guilty you piece of shit. And even though I would probably feel sick inside and want to die if I ever had to have the mispleasure of bumping in to you again, and even with all the horrible shit I have to go through daily I want you to know that the many, many people I have in my life these days are each worth a billion of you. Also a heads up if you see me out with them Id advise not coming near us to try and talk to me because… as soon as I point out who you are, they’ll probably tear you to pieces.

That sounds like im angry or bitter or callous and i honestly try not to be because it doesnt solve anything and neither does demonizing someone… But you try going through it every day without being a bit spiteful. I think all things considered I could be a lot harsher.

A positive is that I am now a good person because I know thats what i am from the love I have and the people who lift me up and show me who I really am inside and outside. The people who have gone through Hell with me and have held me when I have had panic attack after panic attack (and in some cases vice versa). Yeah I might have just done stupid shit in school but you know what, I didnt and still to this day dont insult people because of who they are and how they look. And the rare occasion I did was from that particular “friend’s” pressure/influence and I apologized and beat myself up for it mercilessly. Believe me I know Im not a saint and its no excuse if I ever hurt anyone because at the end of the day my choices are my own even if I was weak and semi forced in to doing the wrong thing. But I have and most likely will never forgive myself for even the slightest mistake I make/have made. 

Maybe I should but I cant because of what has happened to me. Most days the mask is on but cracked deeply and now everyone sees through in to that damaged sad person who feels sick whilst looking in a mirror.

I suppose a point of this would be to be kind. You dont know who you hurt or how much effect you have on people with your words. But in all honesty this doesnt have a point. Because by the time youve finished reading this i will be back fighting off suicide and trying to keep pushing through. These words dont do what I go through justice in even the slightest way. Im not looking for pity or sympathy I just needed to write this down because Im tired. Which again is an understatement.

Dying Bravely: Episode One

06:05 AM
Tuesday, 05/05/16

Jacob Thorne

Weary crusted red eyes. They were always so heavy on him. The idea of moving from the bed which kept him warm lead Jacob to thoughts of suicide and then to the comforting arms of sleep again. He awoke ten minutes later and decided he could continue through the day if only he willed himself to do so. Clawing his way out of the double bed like a mole out of the Earth, Jacob stumbled as he got to his feet and checked himself over in the body length mirror by his bedroom door.

‘You look like shit today.’ He thought to himself before remembering that, to him he looked like shit on a daily basis.

Breakfast went down better than it had done the previous day. Toast and a cup of black coffee. Not that the caffeine did anything for Jacob other than give him gentle palpatations and increase his ever present anxiety. There was movement outside of the house he now owned by himself. Jacob’s neighbour Peter going to work.

Peter was twice Jacob’s age and pleasant enough however, Jacob being a twenty six year old manic depressive who’s only friend was a self absorbed, over weight Ginger Moggie named Arthur was not really the type of person who wanted to have ‘small talk’ with anyone. Especially people who seemed to be overly happy with life as it was.

Arthur was sat by the sofa licking his fluffy paws, minding his own business as Jacob passed by him through the living room to the stairs.

“Some people have it so easy you fat bastard.” Jacob grunted to which Arthur popped his head up for a brief second before returning to the soaking of his paws in syliva.

Upstairs, the shower soaked Jacob’s almost anorexic, skeletal body, relaxing his muscles and causing his eyes to close from the comfort. For this brief moment every morning he thought of bliss and peace before returning to the mundane nature of his existance in the world. He knew he spent too much time in the shower. At this point though he just didn’t care.

‘Its half seven in the morning though and its time to stop procrastinating and get ready… You could always just phone in sick, its not like they could disprove it-‘

Jacob heard a strange sound that distracted him from his thought process. It was a plane engine of some kind but extremely low down. It must have been flying over the houses given how loud it was getting. Jacob’s bathroom window was creaked open and he could hear feignt screams coming from people outside in their gardens and on the streets.

Suddenly Jacob felt his entire house shudder and begin to rattle. The distant sound of cheap plates, mugs and bowls smashing over the tiles downstairs were followed by the various washing items falling off of their shelves and scattering over the bathroom floor. Arthur screeched and bounded up the strairs in to Jacob’s wardrobe as the cat often did when he was scared. Afraid of slipping and cracking his neck, Jacob quickly sat down in the bath before reaching up and turning off the shower. The shaking continued and the deafening engine growl came hurtling over head. Jacob darted over to the window, and peered out.

A few streets away the source of the noise, a huge black military cargo plane was heading for a collision. On the plane’s left side Jacob could see one of the wings burning wildly as it descended.

“Fuck me.” Jacob uttered in shock as he realized what was about to happen. He lived near the centre of town and his bathroom window had a good view of the surrounding houses, alleys and shops. The plane was on course to crash about half a mile away in to the main shopping district.

And it was going to hit any second.

Jacob saw the plane go in to the ground taking out at least a dozen houses as it slid across the ground and then…

Everything went quiet in a flash of bright light that caused Jacob to put his forearm in front of his eyes. Then out of the light came a blast wave that thundered with an explosive roar almost shattering Jacob’s ear drums. He fell back in to the bathtub as the windows to the house nearly gave in and smashed.

Jacob didn’t hear much other than screams and wails. He got out of the tub and looked out the bathroom window to see a gigantic plume of charcoal grey smoke rising from the center of town. The smoke was turning the blue sky in to darkness as it spread slowly over the area. Another explosion, although much smaller lit up a building sending debris across the horizon.

“Oh my God…” Jacob managed to stutter before rushing in to his bedroom and grabbing some clothes and neccesities. Arthur was still shaking in the wardrobe and Jacob gave the pet a quick moment of comfort before running out in to the street, his short cropped hair still drenched. There were no sirens in the distance. Just horrified residents stepping out of their doors to see what had happened. Trying to fathom out the reality of such a terrible thing happening. “So many people dead…” one woman across from Jacob cried. Many of them were complaining about the phone lines and mobile services being disabled. Jacob checked his smart phone and realized his too was unable to make calls.

ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING

It was a long fucking January…

…But so far its been a good fucking February.

LET ME EXPLAIN. Also strap the fuck in because i have read this back and its a bit long so stay with me. THERE IS A POINT TO THIS.

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You know one of the main problems l get with being a depressive? It is sometimes hard to get my story straight. One minute im somewhere in the ballpark of okay the next im spiralling out of control with no way of stopping myself.

Bad me has his hand around my throat…

It can cause difficulties especially in my social and work life. I cant always tell someone i am one thing, because i can flip throughout the day. Literally it can be hour by hour and this is how i am when i am not just completely taken over by it. Its harder when people dont understand but im lucky to have a great work team who fully support me and know its out of my control. But still days sometimes go by without me having an answer to the question “are you okay?”. Despite that though, something new and good came in to my life and for the sake of that i was kinda managing it through Jan.

Key word is that i was managing it.

See I tend to get overwhelmed easily. As i said, It was going pretty good after i had clawed my way out of the worst depression episode i have ever experienced however, i had suddenly a bunch of shit to deal with. Aside from the good people and the positive things in my life there seemed to be a lot of pressure building on me. I wont go in to it too much but i was under quite a bit of stress-

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– and that combined with a really bad cold (ooh sniffles), caused me to have a flare up of my Crohns.

Now, I dont talk about my Crohns much as it’s something i’ve been managing (as much as it drains and hurts me i would say it’s usually under control which is lucky for someone with the condition) for a while now. My depression isnt helped by it but i class that as just one cause in a list of many that lead me to become so low. I feel like i can talk about my depression better than my Crohns because it effects me far more than my Crohns does.

Anyway! Three weeks ago i had the Crohns flare. I almost passed out (bit of a blur) a few times at work, with me eventually ending up in hospital until the early hours of the morning. It was very draining and upsetting and i still havent really got over the lack of sleep, or rather gotten over the lack of sleep ive had since i was eighteen.

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Me kind of at my worst stage after hospital looking sexy but still like shit.

#sleepyaf
#baggyeyessohardcouldcarryshoppingin

😴😴😴😴😴

Stomach pain.
Body aches, and i mean the type that you cant move from.
Exhaustion.
Discomfort.
Bleeding out my ass (sorry if you reading this over breakfast).
Nausea.
Disorientation.

All at once. Usually my Crohns just cherry picks them on a daily basis but this was the whole shabang.

So! Day to day i see my body working at half capacity 50%.

When its a flare up or my depression swamps me 25% or lower depending on whether or not im in hospital.

As someone who has lived without the conditions and knows what its like to feel 100% i know that i can never get back to being that healthy or functioning physical wise again. I also know that 100% is definitely a thing and that a lot of you reading this will feel on top of your game right now.

One of the keys to understanding a chronic illness is knowing that people like me wont ever be like that physically. Mentally yes we can be if we keep fighting! But not physically unless they find a cure which fingers crossed they might do one day.

As stated mental wise im tip top right now but with the body the best i can do is a solid 75% and thats on the rarest of days when im storming in to life and grabbing it by the balls (translates as when ive eaten properly and luckily avoided anything that might set it off).

If that whole percentage thing helps you understand living with autoimmune diseases/depression a little better, then im glad.

Havent felt so physically bad in a while so was a bit of a shock to the system. The problem i was having is that they had put me on steroids which were effecting my depression quite badly the first week or two. Epic mood swings that left me suicidal and feeling sick. Im still on them but my dosage is being lowered week by week until the beginning of march when i can come off them and theyve actually made me feel a lot better both mentally and physically. Still getting fatigued easy as shit and i do have to keep taking it steady as proved by the other day when i had to go home from work because i was so knackered.

But that was one day. Aside from that i was coming in to work more positive then i have been in i would say a year and im glad to announce that

I HAVENT BEEN SUICIDAL IN TWO WEEKS!

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YUP!!!! ✋✋✋🎈👍👍👍🎂👌👌👌🎉

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Well i have been suicidal once or twice but not as it has been in the past. Ive actually been doing really well mentally, despite the odd hiccup. Creatively im back on track which i havent been in so long, ive organized myself and built mental walls. Its good and ill explain in another post. Not out of the woods yet but its better than it was and thats a start 🙂

Back on to crohns though…

I have been on steroids once before a long time ago for about a week or two but they made me really sick so i asked to be taken off them. It’ll take my body some time to get back to full working order but for now im pretty steady. I am kind of lucky to be only on a five week course because some people have to go on them for a lot longer periods.

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                 I got some take away 😉

I told you THERE IS A POINT TO THIS BLOG POST and its here.

Mis quoting Batman Begins:

“why do we fall?”
“So we can learn to pick ourselves up.”

I picked myself up from the rubble. I and the safety net of mine (along with all this medication) brought me back to the land of the living. Im more focused on whats important now than i ever have been. Just because steroids didnt work once doesnt mean they didnt work this time. Have to keep trying things to heal yourself.

I have like two different audiences here so let me try and address you both.

To my non depressed peeps:
Some of you may think that two weeks isnt that long to go without being suicidal. Thats because you dont have to fight your own brain every day. Not your fault but try and see it as that. Someone whos fought off their own fucking brain. Imagine your brain being your enemy not something you just use to decide what socks youre going to wear in the morning. Sounds pretty dangerous dont it? Also i know most of you are but be kind. Try and be understanding. You have no idea how much your understanding helps.

To my depressed and faulty diamonds in black and white:

We fall so we can get back up even stronger. I make it sound like i got lucky i know what youre thinking because i would think that too. Its not something you can just snap out of. Its not something you can just cure. Its something that pummels us. But we dont ever let it kill us.

To those of you who can go a day or even an hour without being suicidal that is a fucking achievement and you are winning already. Dont for a second think you aint. Youre still here which makes you stronger than most of the people around you.

You have to always keep fighting (akf). Always. No matter what, you need to keep scrapping because one day it will be warm and safe and nothing will hurt anymore and more importantly it will be that way and you will be ALIVE. Im not fine im far from it but im better than i was and this fall has shown me how to keep myself safe. I can do this. You can do this. There is literally so much to life and this is actualy me talking, not depressed me. I have been and no doubt will be again on both sides of this fence. Mentally i have been the lowest that you can be without being physically dead. Its fucking horrible and hard and frightening but once you find that thing that brings you back then you will realize life is worth it. And that thing will be out there. Its okay to be depressed its okay to be sad. But you have to keep fighting for your life. Because i assure you it is vastly more important than you think it is in this moment.

We are all diamonds inside. Please see that you are one too or just see how others see you. My friend told me that a diamond is a diamond because it has no self worth, It is valued by others. He said that i cant ever see my self as a diamond because i think everyone else is far more important. But i had no idea how highly this family of mine thought of me and chances are neither will you.

If said others around you are negative and dragging you down then do your best to get out of there. Bad things come to bad people eventually and those that hurt you will put themselves in to misery. Find the good because they are out there. I was lost for a very long time until i found my people.

Its not easy i know, but im just asking that if you read this and are depressed or going through a flare up of a disease dont quit. Keep fighting because you are so fucking strong. Youre a boss like me. Keep fucking shit up. You will get there in the end and it will be so worth it.

You Batman.

We Batman.

Stay safe, stay strong and akf bitches. You got this. We got this. My favourite comic is Calvin & Hobbes. It got me through a lot when i was younger and is just genius. Think this kinda is relevant right now for whoevers reading.

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Its not always going to be good. But its not always going to be bad either. ✌

                               Xoxo

2015 Was A Bag Of Dicks

Hellooo

I literally had the worst christmas day and week of my life. And yesterday it culminated in me being lower than i have ever been before. Ive never been so lost. For those who read my blogs youll know that each time my brain attacks me it gets stronger and stronger. That was literally the hardest ive ever had to fight in my life, and looking back on yesterday i cant believe how close i got to the edge. And you know, if it wasnt for a few select people in my life i wouldnt be here right now. I have the bestest friends in the world and i am the luckiest person to have them.

There’s a quote by aristotle that i learnt from reading Batman comics lol. It’s “what is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies”. Its true when you think about it. I dont often take on best friends that i love this deeply. Its hard for me to completely connect with people around me because i dont want to expose them to this. I have best friends but there are people in my life (as in everyones life) who i trust completely and will always open up to because i connect with them beyond friendship. I gained two more last night. I consider them blood, more like soulmates.

I dont usually end up at that point where i need saving. Its rare because i can usually fight it off on my own. So it has left me shaken and worried for what happens next time. I almost did it. Now theres a difference between almost ending it and thinking about ending it. Both are horrible. But almost ending it is where you have nothing left of you anymore. Its just the black poison in you at the wheel. It wasnt me in control so i am very worried. It was scary. The other me had its hand around my brain and wouldnt let go. Dunno what happened to get me out of it whether it was me breaking through a wall from exhaustion or just the help i had. But the thought of those friends makes me stronger. It lifts me up.

When you are from a dysfunctional home and you have physical and mental issues and not to mention those cheeky regrets, life can be very difficult at christmas time. It can be pressured on people to be happy just because its a season for people with no bullshit to be happy. I usually am happy on christmas. Usually… but not gonna lie this year has made the Grinch (at the beginning of the film) my idol.

Its been a wank year. And sticking with the Grinch analogy i still havent found my Whoville to bring me out of this slump. But ive got two families who love me. The one i was born with and the one ive chosen. Both might have their problems but both are what i have to live for. As a person with no self worth, who loathes himself entirely, its easy for me to fall in to the pit. But ive got people who build me up and keep me safe and warm and strong. Im not entirely free and, still shaking, its baby steps until ive recovered. And ill have to watch out for the other me sneaking up on me like this again, the absolute bastard… Baby steps!

I wanna thank some people for being here for me and in no particular order;

My mum, my brother Chris and my cousin Megan (birth family obviously)

And my chosen family;

Nathan
Jade
Laura
Sophie
Jorde
Josh
Rob
And introducing Kym and Cat.

I love you all to the moon and back.

All my other best friends know what they mean to me too and i love you guys more than i can say, its just the above have been the ones to save me on a regular basis cos theyve been exposed to it more unfortunately for them haha.

Point is its been horrible. Next year is probably going to be bizzarre and shit and probably more of the same nonsense. But a lot of chess pieces are moving about, and for the first time im actually kinda sorta excited. None of this new year new me bullshit, nah im gonna be the same messed up freak ive been for a while. But i feel like some things are just beginning to start and are going to grow in to hopefully better things.

You can always have hope.

We never know how a year is going to turn out until we get to the end of it. I can safely look back at this year and say  that was a bag of fucking shit and im glad to be rid of it. Cant even express how shit its been, probably the toughest year of my life. Ive self harmed, nearly ended it a dozen times.

But i have those special few to hold on to because they build me up. If anything will get me through 2016 its the same thing that got me through 2015. My family and my friends.

Stay strong and keep safe people. If youre in the same position as me, remember that reaching out for help is the best thing you can do. If you dont have a support network then find one, there is always someone and somewhere you can go that is not a grave. Theres always hope. That person telling you to die isnt you. Its a disease that you can beat and that you will beat because youre a strong lil bastard even if i dont know you. Trust famalams. Im weak as shit and if i can do this then so can you.

Have a lovely new year

Xoxo

YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER

Hello

Facebook is important. Whether its a long post on opinions or just sharing photos of your dog, it’s important. That’s just how the world is now. You can deny it’s relevance, you can deny how many people use it and it’s reach until you are blue in the face, but it doesn’t make your denial true. People who complain about people complaining on Facebook should shut up. Because people complaining on Facebook shows you what people are thinking. What their opinions are. It is also a platform for education. See what you read on there might never change the world… but what it may do is educate someone, change someone’s mind. Show someone a fact. And that can lead to open mindedness.

In case you didn’t know, open mindedness is good. This is why Facebook is extremely powerful and we should never stop being key board warriors.

Now that that has been said I want to get on to my main point which is to do with the current major crisis of the world that’s on everyone’s lips.

Syria and Isis.

Understanding your enemy, knowing your enemy does not make you weak or a “sympathiser”. It makes you educated. In fact if you ignore what made your enemy and circle them as simply evil without cause, then it makes you sound stupid. With these situations its hard but we have to look past the black and white and go for the grey. Because the grey is more likely to be the inconvenient truth. I think it’s good to be able to see the other side of the coin then the one you see, just so that you can make sure you definitely know what your ideals are. I have been told things by people who are big on history and I have read in to it so I could have a better understanding. I think I am well informed but I may be wrong…

See, history is complicated. There are tonnes of factors that lead up to every decision. From making a cup of tea to going to war. It is impossible for an individual to know all of these factors because we don’t have the brain or the resources to store them and also some things are kept hidden so ill try and sound as educated as possible even though I don’t know all of the facts. I’m going to spew out a bit that I’ve learnt and no doubt will someone be able to poke flaws in me because there’s a chance I am completely wrong. But remember this is just my opinion from what I have been told/researched. I certainly don’t know everything nor am I trying to make out like I do. I just want to share my POV. The truth is that whatever I say in here is going to disagree with some of you and resonate with others. Because it is simply an opinion on the world and is neither right or wrong. Either way I feel it needs to be said and I have been wanting to say it for a while.

In the eighties the US had a cold war with Russia. When the Soviets invaded Afghanistan the US reportedly funded a group of rebels called the Al-Qaeda. Yes. THAT Al-Qaeda.

I mean it varies what info you can find but most people agree that the CIA and a few other secretive groups gave Bin Laden and his group a shit tonne (we are talking millions and millions) of money, and in some articles also apparently arms so that they could fight the Russians. After that we all kind of know what happened. The Al-Qaeda got out of control, wanted to fight “enemies of Islam” the world over. One very long and messy war later with lots of complicated bull shit and a massive loss of life in the middle and ISIS are now the new big bad. But guess where they started?

Al-Qaeda. They were a side group of that organization. What you need to understand is that some of ISIS members were created through anger and fear from watching their loved ones be killed in bombings. Whether it was US or UK originated it is still destruction. We joined the US in their war so we are partly responsible. Anyway what happens to these youngsters who lose their family and then join a terrorist group out of revenge is called radicalization. Now obviously I am not justifying any of their actions. But that’s exactly my point. Us bombing them that’s what they want. They want more innocents caught in the crossfire. They want more young children of Syria to be radicalized and turn to them for revenge. Surely it is up to us (if we are more forward thinking then them) to break that cycle?

But apparently not. David Cameron has decided to go bomb Syria in the aftermath of the tragic Paris attacks.

As I just said the exact same thing has happened before in that long messy war we talked about where thousands upon thousands of people died. Thousands upon thousands, both civilian and armed forces…. I mean I certainly remember seeing “accidental civilian losses” from bombings reported on the news when I was a kid. I even did my research and found a few links to the results of bombings, figured I would share them.

https://www.amnesty.org/en/latest/news/2014/08/afghanistan-no-justice-thousands-civilians-killed-usnato-operations/

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-34437106

and I also found this article on the Iraq war… http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/15/iraq-death-toll_n_4102855.html

For those saying bombing places doesn’t hurt civilians because our army meticulously plans the attacks then open your eyes. In war no matter if it’s bombings/us or the enemy accidentally/purposefully shooting them, civilians ALWAYS die. Now you may say- but you don’t know that, you don’t know what will happen this time we attack somewhere…

HERE YOU GO

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-23427726

http://www.historylearningsite.co.uk/world-war-two/civilian-casualties-of-world-war-two/

This has all already happened.

War doesn’t change. The people do, the location does, the weapons do but do you want to know what the one constant of war is?

Death of innocent life.

And we did the same thing last time we went to war. Last time we decided to bomb somewhere. We said, there will be no innocent civilian casualties. There is ALWAYS civilian casualties. Always.

Prove me wrong. Find me a war where innocent civilians didn’t die.

We have been in the same cycle for over a hundred years now. And it is insane. It upsets me when I see people supporting violence. But it in all honesty it upsets me more that I do not have an alternative answer… Peace is preferred. I guess I am an idealist who believes that something else could have been done. There must have been something, I can’t think of it but there must be someone smarter than a twenty year old who can come up with something smarter than bombing. Something that doesn’t end with more of the same.

Violence does not cancel out violence. History has shown us time and time again that these kind of actions breed radicalism. I may be wrong and crude with my timeline here so please feel free to call me out on it. But the way I see it, it goes like this.

The West funded a terrorist group to fight a war for us.

The terrorist group grew and turned on the West.

The West then bombed said terrorist group, killing innocent civilians in the process and radicalising their families in to joining the terrorists.

The terrorists retaliate.

The West bombs them, create more terrorists.

The terrorists split up and come back in different sections.

We bomb them some more, create more terrorists.

What happens next? Do we fund ANOTHER terrorist group to fight ISIS, and let the cycle continue?

As much as I respect the troops and people who die for this country as much as I honour them I will not honour the people who command them. I will not honour the people who send them to war. I will not honour the fat old politicians in their ivory towers who send their young in to battle. No. Never. We are supposed to be better than this. Isn’t that right? Am I wrong in saying that? That we should aspire for better. That this world should united in it’s efforts. I’m an idiot I guess for thinking that.

That’s not the only problem though. It’s just the one every one is focused on right now… because it is so hard to keep track these days of what to be angry about. There is so much wrong with the world. So much. As a twenty year old I cant know everything. I can tell you what I see in the news on a day to day basis though.

I see parts of Africa. Where women are mutilated, raped, tortured bound in to slavery. Where children are soldiers. Where children are slaves. Where genocide is committed. Where corrupt rulers get rich whilst severe poverty sweeps a continent and diseases are rife. Where AIDS is spread like wild fire. Where Ebola outbreaks happen. Where death is at everyone’s door.

I see refugees fleeing mad men in the East and I see us abusing the refugees and blaming them for the mad men’s actions. This happened before with Jews in WWII. It happened before.

I see gender inequality across the west and the rest of Europe too. It might not compare to the horrors of the above. But it is still important and still relevant.

I see global warming being fought on a day to day basis by people with answers yet we are too set in our ways to change. Too far gone. I see beautiful animals hunted to the brink of extinction for products we can create alternatives to through minerals and plants. Not only hunted but tortured for entertainment too. I see the Earth and all it’s creatures sick from pollution and our constant need for more of its resources.

I see mass shootings almost weekly in America because they cant get their shit together. In the good ol’ US of A, I also see racism still inherent, bubbling under the surface like a vile poison. I see them forget their horrific past and leave the uneducated to be uneducated. I see a president who wants his country to be secure and I see an opposing party who want nothing more than to stop him, without cause or justification. What’s worst is I see half of that power house siding with the wrong people. Stunting it’s growth.

In my own country I see thugs attacking mosques and innocent Muslims. This is because the thugs are mindless apes with no one to tell them any different other than Britain First; another group of thugs, liars and idiots causing harm under the guise of free speech when they don’t realise that by causing harm to the general population of Islam then they are helping ISIS win. I see my FREE healthcare programme being destroyed by a man who doesn’t seem to have any reason to do it. I see the Western media spurning and egging on discrimination as if it were a sick game to them. I see fear being mongered and spread, and the fear turning us in to cowards who won’t look out for others in need. Who will post and share bull shit , made up FB status’ about the danger of Muslims when in reality ISIS and Islam are too completely different things.

The world over I see the following:

I see violence

I see racism

I see homophobia

I see sexism

I see rape

I see murder

I see poverty

I see violation of human rights

I see lies

I see corruption that we cant do anything about.

If I missed anything off that list please do let me know.

It is all I see. Anger and bitterness and hatred. I see hell. This is the world I have been given. The world I cannot change. I voted for a different party. I try and sign petitions where I can. I try and donate as much as possible to charity. It hasn’t changed my parents tell me… It hasn’t changed since they were younger. What can I do? I’m just one young person with no power to change anything. So I make a blog about the world. I make a blog and share it to my friends and acquaintances so we can feel the same thing all at once. So we small few can be unified in the knowledge that there may be too much to fix. But at least we are together on this. At least we have each other I guess and at least we can try.

But then the anger sinks in. And the inevitable question arises. Who do I and the people who think like me get mad at hmm? Who do we blame for this? This madness. This world we live in where people suffer daily and the rich get fatter and fatter and the world burns and people scream in agony. Where children drown whilst trying to flee their own country. Where people in my own country are blind and selfish to other plights and the plight of their own

Who do I get mad at?

I don’t know… It’s hard to see who’s to blame here. Maybe we all are. Maybe we were damned from the beginning.

Shall I tell you what the news has taught me? It’s taught me that this world is fucked. I am twenty and have to care for so much. There is so much wrong. So much for me to be told to handle and process and not be upset by. People wonder why I am suicidal hahaha. People wonder why I want to die.

You have your answer.

All that’s left to do is hope. Hope it gets better. Hope the world becomes a better place. There’s that lyric by the Manic Street Preachers.

If you tolerate this then your children will be next.

I find comfort in knowing deep down that the majority of this species are good and think straight. I know the good are greater in number than the bad. I know the media makes the world seem far worst than it is. But it worries me that the straight thinking people aren’t the ones who will win in the end.

It worries me.

Tired Boy

Warning: may cause triggers so please dont read if you have self harmed before and are at risk of doing it again.

It gets harder and harder to talk about you know. I wish i was normal. I wish i could keep this up. I wish it didnt hurt every day. I wish i had the energy or the will to do this blog weekly but i just dont. Dont want to bore you, dont feel like whoever you are wants to read it. I get fucking bored of having to listen to this thought train every single day so i cant imagine what a weekly blog would look like. Fuck that. And as far as short stories go, lets put a hold on that too. Well’s run dry for now im afraid. Maybe some day, maybe not.

I mean to get myself through every day is a struggle that the adults didnt warn me about when i was younger… Cos im running on empty, stuck between the want to give up and the want to stay. I dont have it in me to end it physically but mentally ive done it so many times. That constant battle can tire someone. Besides its not like ive just hurt myself mentally. I cut myself and it wasnt the best idea… Hurt. But in all honesty it didnt hurt as much as i wanted it to. I wanted to feel something, i wanted to feel like i wasnt here. Like it was something different happening to me. Like it was a way out. It wasnt. It never is i guess.

“The hardest thing about this world is living in it”. Lovely.

It happened about two months ago now i guess, and the scars are still there. It itches sometimes too, especially when i think about it. Maybe thats just a mental thing i dunno. Dont ask me why i did it. It just happened. One minute i was miserable the next i was bleeding. Didnt cry didnt speak. I just let it happen. That night i revealed all to my best friends. They were there for me as they are and i havent done it since. But i cant shake something. I mean this fall started after my climb. I was doing so well when i started this blog and then…  I was not even at square one i was somewhere (still am somewhere) deeper than ive ever been before. And for all this time ive not been able to shake the feeling that it would be better if i could of just carried on not feeling anything. Cos feeling hurts. Hurts more than any physical pain could. Hurts so much i want to cry all the time but just cant seem to get the tears out. Yeah that heart mind and gut all churning and ripping themselves apart.

It hurts so much.

I dont understand how people do this. Get through it. Fight. Id rather just be a blank slate, not feeling at all and getting on with my life. Another drone. Either that or dead. Think maybe i was cursed with being too involved too emotional. Guess im like a broken toy in that way. Wind me up and watch me fall over.

Mind you sometimes broken toys can be the funnest ones. Unpredictable especially when they fall apart on you without you expecting. Least its interesting and not the same old.

Point of this post is that my future on here is unclear. Its a dark one. A real dark one im talking voldemort attacking Hogwartz dark yo. But i think i have enough to support me i just dont think ive got enough of me to support this. So thank you for all your kind words about my blog. It was nice whilst it lasted. I guess i cant connect with you right now which sucks and burns me cos i really love hearing feedback and having people comment on my posts. It means the world to me how many of you have done.

I may come back to it when i get some things sorted in December or later this month but we will have to see.  Depends on whether i have anything positive to say because right now im no help to anyone, i just dont care about life so how can i tell other people to, yano? So for now im going. If i helped anyone in this brief time then thats more than i could have hoped for.

Bye for now, please try to stay stronger and braver than i am and thank you

Xoxo

FUCK OFF DEPRESSION YOU BASTARD

SUP GEEZERS

Oops.
What?
Went and slipped and fell in to the hole again, didnt you? Deeper than ever this time twat face why did you let that happen?!
Dunno. Kinda just… happened.
What did you do?
Some stupid shit.
Like what?
Dont wanna say.
All you do do is stupid shit when youre down here you fucking numpty.
Yeah.
Does this help?
What?
Writing about it?
No. Nothing does. Just something to do thats not laying in bed at stupid oclock and thinking about it yano?
Yeah but youre writing this at stupid oclock.
Oh yeah. Thats cos the hole keeps me awake.
Thats what he said… AHEM. You havent done one of these in a while.
Thats cos i dont know what to say. I was doing well now im not. Dont want to bore people.
You want to end it again yes?
Yes.
And whats stopping you?
Not sure. Something is.
Maybe you have to find it.
I dont have the energy. Cant sleep. Cant think straight. Everything is spiraling. I dont even care anymore.
What helped you last time?
Not sure. Dont even remember. All i know is this time is worst.
Ah.
Yes. Ah.
Okay so what do we do?
Wait it out. Itll go away eventually…
Ah right.
Hmmm.
What?
Well… it comes back stronger each time. I did something stupid this time. Im worried that ill go through with the big finale next time.
Maybe.
Nah. Be rate. Sure itll all be fine. I swear to God though, if the hole makes me miss Avengers Infinity War i will kick the fuck off.

PEACE JEDI KNIGHTS
XOXO

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